i have been like scattered sand - yes, i am bold & will go after things i desire, but what i had desired was to find love & affection in fallible human beings, corporeal human beings whom i hoped would be able to satisfy my propensity for carnality - as i wrapped my arms around myself & rocked myself to sleep on bad nights i thought of how nice it would be to have someone physical to hold me, not how nice it would be to be immeasurably satiated by the incorporeal God, my lord whom i knew (in my head yes, not in my heart) has the ability to satisfy even the thirstiest of hearts. i refused - how could i when touch is my love language, how could i touch & feel loved by someone who lives in the heavens, the stars, the seas, the soil beneath our feet, whose omnipresence is more than i can bear, more than what i can fill in the spaces between my fingers, or my outstretched arms, whose boundlessness i cannot kiss nor tangibly feel? & so i lost myself to the shadows of pursuing after insatiable things, after fallible people like myself, & got disappointed again & again by people who lost interest, who couldn't commit, who didn't seek after my heart as fervently as i had romanticised in my head. i only prayed for the want of things, not for the want of christ himself. i had desired to find a partner who will devote his heart to God, but have failed to realise that he too will look for someone after God's own heart, not after the things of this world, things i had fiercely been in pursuit of. i have always thought the problem doesn't lie with me - but to a large extent it does, it does, it does: unless i find back the anchor of my heart that is You, & You alone, i will never be satisfied.
looking back on my journal entries, i remember the times that i had lived & breathed of You, during my a lvl days. those were the hardest of times, but they were also the best of times, particularly in terms of the immense wealth i had in my soul & spirit. on the eighteenth of october 2k14 i recall a leader from church taking the time to pray for me, prophesizing that You will take me from 'strength to strength & glory to glory', adding that You will take me from one level of glory to a higher level of glory. until i went back to that particular entry tonight i had always thought You had fulfilled that promise utterly - the first clause when i survived the ordeal of alvls with so much grace left to spare, the second when i finally got taken off the waitlist at the last moment it was stipulated to close. it was such an arduous wait i thought it was more than i could bear - for someone who loved clarity so much i had shed so many hot tears not knowing the tenability of my future with unwavering certainty until the last moment. i always thought the chapter of that prophesy had closed then - but now i can see that it was just the tip of the iceberg, the former 'glory' preceding the latter 'to glory'.
since then You have indeed taken me higher & higher: from learning the ropes of fundraising to raising close to the 20k mark on my own; from eschewing from every events-planning related commitment (except for gym concert'12 which i was coerced to be a part of) to organising (come this mid-january) my fourth political conference to date, from feeling at a complete loss wrt summer plans after my application for the santander scholarship fell through last december to the bestest of bestest time in new york city & (if all goes well) spain this coming summer. i have always forgotten You in the moments leading up to these victories & only remembered in retrospect, but You never have.
life with You in the peripheries until things go awry is such a convenient life to live. but as we waited for the fireworks to erupt at the close of 2k16 & i marvelled at how You have taken the brokenness of my best college orientation buddy (who left) & completely transformed his grades & perceived self-worth, as we both agreed that a life lived without You seems better until it gradually gets so incredibly emotionally tiring & utterly empty, as we both pledged individually to begin growing in You come 2k17,
for once in my life i anchor my new year's resolution in You: to do things together with You, not in retrospect.
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