it's been twenty four days since we uttered our vows, bound each other with our matching rings before the eyes of God and walked down the aisle as one.
"...i pledge to love you in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, in sorrow and in joy, and i will always be true to you by God's grace, til death do us apart."
i think i am still reeling from the collective madness of everything that has transpired and i am still struggling to process how everything came together and came to be the reality as i know of now. 2021 felt like a year where we hustled so much, got lost in the minuscule details of choosing between grey and cream coloured tiles and consolidating guest covid p.e.t. lists in the marathon that didn't seem to end, and as abruptly as it started we find ourselves past the finish line - victorious with the fruits of our labour served on a platter to us all at once. i write this with our wedding ring on my finger and from the beautiful house that we now call our home for two - a cosy home that is warm particularly because we designed it and brought it to life together. a home that we are so proud of because it screams the marriage of our personalities and tastes. a home that has been showered with the blessings of the Most High.
and yet i am human: inherently greedy; always wanting to have my cake and eat it. despite having my cup overflow in the most important facet of my life, i still feel discontentment with myself for not investing sufficiently in my career throughout this year. in the most logically absurd way i can't really fathom or put a finger to, a part of me still feels like i've let myself go (even though i know i hadn't - given that i have gained so much more in other aspects of my life). i watch on wistfully (and in all honesty - envy) as i witness my peers take the leap of faith to tread on different, "higher" paths - higher in the senses of pay grade and growth - both personal and professional. internally i start having my own self-pity party as i lament indignantly that it was me who had been voicing out consistently that x role was my desired role - as if verbalising it meant i were entitled to it. in that pity party i sing tunes that my other self finds hard to condone in others, including harbouring a sense of entitlement despite standing on the sidelines and refusing to push boundaries i am scared of. i frustrate myself bc i truly believe that the only way to actualise a desire is to work for it, and simultaneously i know that my peers are absolutely deserving of the fruits of their hard work - in the same way i feel deserving of mine. there is enough for everyone in this world - at the end of the day, i want to show up for my friends and celebrate their wins as if they were mine. i want to choose faith over fear bc i know that no man will be able to close the doors that He opens for me. i want to invest in myself without insecurity rearing its ugly head and whispering negative comments about the people around me.
and so tonight i choose to fix my eyes upwards. i'll remember that all good things have come and will continue to come from You. i'll remember that i am merely a steward of good things and that my career will only mean something if it points the people around me to You, however that may look like. i choose to be thankful for everything that You have richly blessed me with, and i choose to believe that there is enough for everyone bc You are more than enough.
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