i am inherently not a super competitive person - i would like to win but most of the time i don't need to win, particularly if it's at something of minuscule importance. i am innately a secure person - i dislike participating in water cooler gossip (particularly if the subject is not someone i have worked or interacted with before) and i always try to focus my energies on carving out my own path ahead instead. i tell myself i am a kind person - in thoughts, words and actions i try to practice authentic empathy and stand up for what i believe is right and just.
so why do i have instinctive thoughts in my head that run counter-intuitive to the intrinsic narratives i tell myself?
i tell myself that everyone has their own stories and that may mean they're predisposed to project the lives they've only ever known on the people around them - that the only way they know how to be loved is the way they've been loved, and the only way they know how to overcome is the way they had overcome in the past. and yet - at times i still find myself judging the quality of advice i don't resonate with with latent contempt - contempt that slowly wraps and wraps itself around my heart in a chokehold until it negates whatever kindness and empathy that were originally present. and i bottle everything up until a conversation triggers me to open up on my thoughts and then there's this voice in my head that eggs me on to spill and incite discourse - not for the purpose of furthering logic, but for the end goal of getting the person on the other side to agree with my point of view and validate this contempt i have shoven deep into the recesses of my indignant heart. in doing so, i put myself on my own pedestal and end up doing exactly the same thing that the other person was doing - projecting my own thoughts and ideas on someone else, just bc they feel valid to me. why do i feel i need to be right in situations like these? we are all entitled to our own point of view, but sometimes i just find it hard to let the need to be validated as "right" go.
i tell myself different people have different finishing lines, and yet i derive happiness from feeling as if i'm ahead of the curve and conversely get incredibly discouraged when i feel i've been left behind. i tell myself that i am lazer-focused on forging my own path ahead but i still get envious when i hear about peers moving on to greener pastures. i tell myself that the world is abundant and there is more than enough for everyone, but i still fear the prospect of competition and i do feel wistfully piqued when someone whom i view as a "mentee" outperforms me, as if these are not tell-tale signs of a latent insecurity that's festering within me. it is almost as if i'm playing a game of hypocrite with myself and hiding how i truly feel with self pep talk and confident smiles on the outside.
this should end on a good note but my eyelids are drooping and i can't think straight - all i can conclude is that i am painfully self-aware of how unaware i can get on bad days, and i need to dig even deeper into uncovering what my true "i want" statement is - an "i want" statement free from vanity, pride and contempt.
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