having it all, just not at the same time

thinking back to my teenage years i'd spent so many moments wishing i were living in somebody else's body - the body of someone more brainy brimming with effortless charisma and leadership stature, living the life of someone who came home to a big house while being driven around in a flashy car that would make people look upon me with envious eyes, with the same kind of gaze that i'd use looking on as a endless stream of continental cars rolled into the school's driveway to pick up their daughters, in an era without private hire. much of my teenage life was lived from a position of scarcity and an acute awareness of what i was lacking based on the standards of this world. 

i wish i could go back in time to wrap my arms around my younger self and let her know that one day she would be able to start living life on her own terms. that one day these societal labels would matter less once she starts being able to decide and define for herself what these terms of success should be. that one day she would be able to live from a position of abundance and be content with the life that she has created for herself. that one day she will be so grateful to be living life in her own body, without wishing to be living the life of somebody else. 

the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the grass is truly greener where you water it. the other day i escaped the chaos of home to join my team for drinks. everyone seemed so surprised that i made it out alive and were so warmly welcoming. it felt good - i'd missed the feeling of being a part of something bigger. the mood was exuberant bc nearly everyone had hit or exceeded their numbers. collectively, we were a rocket ship and i'd missed the feeling of being onboard one. as we all raised our glasses in celebration of a fantastic financial year and the money made, i couldn't help but wonder how much i was missing out, just so that i could take time off to birth and nurture a new human being. 

it's such a human emotion - to have the world on your own terms and still yearn for what's missing bc you want to have it all. i read somewhere that "you can have it all, just not at the same time". the recent mornings after sending nayo to school have been so grounding. i've been enjoying getting my iced mocha on my walk back home before taking over my shift with natty until noon. as i cupped natty's face in both of my palms and felt her chubby, warm body against my chest, i remember thinking that i am so lucky to be living this life. to have this little family of four which we have created together. to have a partner i can do the hard things in life with. to have our two adorable girls - the cutest human beings i've ever laid my eyes on. to still be in a career where i have so much room to grow, despite the cost from slowing down to have two kids. to be on this paid break that sometimes feels like a vacation bc we have ample help. to be able to spend and give freely but still be living below our means. to be grounded in a church community who are our literal neighbours. to be living in this location that we have not stopped raving about since moving in four years ago. to have a new circle line station coming up at our doorstep.

we are so lucky to have this life as we know it. 

we are so lucky that we are able to feel content with what we have,

and go through life acutely aware of our abundance rather than lack. 

holding on to you, 

the incarnation of our love - 

our adorable little dumping. 

whenever i feel greedy and want to have it all,

at the same time.

whenever i feel my heart sinking as i watch

peers from the same starting line

make vertical career progressions

or lateral career moves into new territories.

i pause and watch on 

as you coo at me 

and stretch your chunky limbs,

while looking deeply into my eyes -

locking my gaze with

those big, round and gleaming eyes. 

i cup your moon-shaped face in my palms 

and take in 

that cheeky toothless grin 

mirroring my smile.

my heart swells.

like a balloon it grows bigger and bigger.

until it feels like it's about to explode. 

in that moment, my heart and head both remember: 

i am where i need and want to be.

the grass is indeed greener 

where i water it.

this is our garden of eden,

blessed by God and manifested

from our books of what constitutes an ideal life,

in the beauty of His time.