there was actually a period about a month ago where this precarious balance got tipped - nayo had caught two different viruses from school in the span of two weeks, meaning she passed it to everyone in the household except my husband, recovered for a few days, and then started running a high fever again (which turned out to be influenza a). i was out cold for a few days and struggled with a horrible, phlegmy cough for approximately three weeks after. work was stressful and i felt i could neither pause to properly rest, nor take care of my sick kids, bc taking prolonged leave in this line of work always comes at your own expense. and so i dragged my sick body to the office, to customer meetings, to work gatherings etc., bc nayo being "sick" at home simultaneously meant that i had lost the option to work from home.
it had been such a long while since i had felt so blue about everything that i actually thought i had sunk into borderline depression. i woke up daily with a sinking feeling in my heart about the day ahead. the days felt dreary and the nights felt overwhelmingly stimulating for my exhausted shell. i harboured so much mum guilt from shoving the family care responsibilities to my husband instead of being there for my kids during the day. yet it felt like it was hard to be present at work - partly bc i was still sick and hardly recovering, and bc i felt any moment that i could muster some "downtime" had to be re-channelled into caring for my little ones - particularly the baby of the family who used to be so cheerful but for the first time in her tiny, infant life looked absolutely defeated (she had lost that little, playful sparkle in her eyes while running a high fever). i felt so emotionally and physically spent that i even entertained the option of quitting from corporate life entirely. it had seemed so attractive to just put an end to this suffering and catch a breather.
which brings me back to the reel that i chanced upon today. to summarise the gist of it, it describes juggling motherhood with young children as seasons that you fade in and out of, and how it's okay to fade out of certain seasons in your career when child rearing gets especially tough - just so that you'll continue to stay in it and not exit the workforce entirely. bc trying to get back in after a prolonged exit will be even more challenging. it describes the concept of glass balls and rubber balls: how most often the rubber balls are work-related and will bounce back, but family and maintaining healthy relationships are not - like glass balls, they shatter once you deprioritise these aspects of your life. marcus also brought up an interesting point - building a career is like investing: the goal is to stay in the game long enough to reap the compound rewards. we both agree that it's important not to pit motherhood (or parenthood) against our careers and frame them as zero-sum, or the outcome will always be resentment from sacrificing one for the other. most of all, i do feel a sense of responsibility for modelling the kind of woman i want my girls to grow into: i want them to grow up normalising that career and family can exist in tandem, and to continue doing the hard things in life (like forcing myself to drive on the weekends even though i much rather be a passenger princess, or staying in a career where we live quarter by quarter - both of which used to comprise my greatest fears in life).
what i enjoy about the career that i have now (despite it being high stress) are the possibilities it unlocks - it feels empowering knowing that i have a chance to catch up on the monetary opportunity costs from slowing down my career to have kids, simply bc the rewards are asymmetrical. closing deals are non-linear. i no longer cut back on that $8 latte bc i have tasted how much more efficient it is to save (and re-invest) money by making more money, instead of scrimping on the little pleasures in life that help me romanticise the mundane day-to-day living.
