time travel - part three

i am so grateful for work but practicality of the marketplace is slowly stripping my ability to feel, to write and to introspect. here's to not losing that facet of me that had loved to feel deeply and write freely:

read part one and part two

part three focuses on the year 2016. i am so lucky to have found someone i cherish so deeply now and for the past two and a half+ years, a man whom i am seriously considering to spend the rest of my life with. most of the time i forget how i was like before i got this lucky. year 2016 was the year i experimented the most with personal growth i.e. growth in different trajectories and the constant pushing of boundaries to see where i would break. and break i did. by the end of the year i was so barren that i called it quits and told jesus i needed to re-pivot back to the one Thing that matters most. it was then that i started to get lucky. but i am who i am today bc of all these collective experiences - heartbreaks, chopping off my long hair for the first time in years for a fresh start, feeling like i wasn't good enough and pent-up anger that spat at the world for making me feel that way when i knew my worth. it was through these experiences that i got to re-validate my self-worth again and again, and do justice to investing in myself.

part three: 

take me somewhere nice - mogwai 


[2016]


wrapped in my college jumper like a dumpling but it still felt like the dead of winter. the sound of fingers gently striking keyboards like the pattering of rain drops, breaking the otherwise oppressive silence of an unusually quiet library past nine. it was a chilly night. a night walk to starbucks and butterflies in my stomach - here it was again, this familiar feeling of a nascent something that eventually turned out to be a false alarm. silly me, but of course i wouldn't have known that. the dull ache of loneliness juxtaposed against the warmth of a boy's company. a takeaway paper cup worth seven bucks nestled in my cupped hands, fingers stretched out and parched of warmth in the chilliness of an enclosed performance hall with the ac turned on to full blast. the windows and doors were frosted from the cold. it was empty, save for us. a safe place to mutually trade stories of how prior things ended. a note of finality - yes i was done and i was proud of myself for moving on
(or so i thought). drunk on exuberance from a vulnerable conversation. a brownie bar for me from the convenience store. finally i'm not an afterthought, but someone worth remembering in the little things. maybe this was it. (it wasn't). silly me.


yes i'm changing - tame impala 


[2016]


"the circle is full and now it's closed". there was so much anger, but the suicide of a cherished member of the community completely threw things into perspective - it made me realise the way we trivalised death and held on to our petty pride at the expense of things we did that we might have regretted at a later stage. a reconciliation followed by an indefinite truce - i was no longer going to be angry, and so we became friends again. there was still alot of comfort in an old friendship that went in a special direction, ended, mended, soured and then got mended again. the lines might have appeared to have blurred again - that celebratory night after four consecutive shots (inebriated but i do remember), but no i'd changed by then - it was zhuangzi-rsque of me to have separated the physical from the emotional. inside i was hollow and felt nothing anymore. yes i'm changing, yes i'm gone. yes i'm older, yes i'm moving on. 


one dance - drake, wizkid, kyla


[2016]


this song was the song to top the charts in the usa when i was alone in new york city. my iphone wallpaper read "twenty is prime" - somewhere in the recesses of my soul i wanted to shout out to the world: LOOK AT ME! A SMALL GIRL IN THE CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF. "i feel so alive, so alive so alive!" my heart drumming in my chest as i took the metro from my workplace in franklin avenue, going above the brooklyn bridge back to halsey street back "home". even then i knew i would miss the sun setting in between two mammoth-like buildings, the warmth of a pinkish-orange hue still imprinted in my memory, so vividly.

hi, i'm back

in the time i've been away from this space on the internet that i've carved out for myself, i've:

1. completed my final 28mc semester
2. received my first ever full-time job offer 
3. accepted this job offer after considering what remains most important to me at this stage in my life
4. concurrently completed my capstone thesis that i could never have envisaged as ever being completed 
5. said my goodbyes to ten college avenue west 
6. hit my personal best semester cap despite eight additional mcs 
7. walked the stage and made my parents beam with pride 
8. gone on all three of my planned "grad" trips, my favourite being frolicking in osaka/kyoto with bae
9. watched all the korean dramas i'd staved off for my year-long 28mc semesters 
10. started work for good (screams internally: i'm no longer an intern!!!!) 
11. achieved two industry-recognised company certifications in under a month, with three more to go! and may i never tire of onward learning~

reviving this space bc today's retrospective meeting reminded me of the importance of reflection and introspection. growth has always been my guiding principle - i followed my heart and ended up here: am slowly building up my own community, but most days i've been exiting work with a light heart and tummy hurting from laughing so hard throughout the day. it is no doubt still our honeymoon phase until post-san francisco come mid-august, but i just want to take this moment to savour the now. at the end of the day, what i remember and treasure are still the small wins and little moments of boundless laughter; of being shown kindness and human warmth; of being treated as both valued and valuable. i am so lucky to be here, to be chasing after what makes me feel alive. 

a reminder to self that growth can only follow a concerted effort on my part to insert myself into uncomfortable and inconvenient places/situations. i tend to forget that, especially once i get cosy with a community that has grown on me. i also tend to shun away from difficult situations, particularly if they take a toll on my psyche. but i also know i've never regretted the eventual fruits of exposing myself to discomfort bearing growth. those have been the truest gems of my life.

another reminder to self to carve out time for people i want to keep around for a long time. 

time travel - part two

read part one here

don't let me down - the chainsmokers

[2016]

my first memory of this tune is me asking why geoff brought his bose speaker to lit hum ii class, and him introducing me to the "sick beats" of this then-new hit. it holds memories of freshman year - the nights i spent pounding out one foot in front of the other on the treadmill with a heavy and lonely heart, angry at the microcosm of this world for making me feel like i was not enough. the wee hours of the morning when the beats reverberated through the stereo like the steady pulse of a pumping heart, bringing along with it a body of bodies with their arms strewn up. eyes raised to the ceiling, i gave myself up to this rhythm of emptiness, unsure if the numbness i felt was due to the alcohol or my psyche. just tonight, i told myself, just for tonight. i would let myself go, just for tonight.


body gold - oh wonder 


without you - oh wonder


technicolor beat - oh wonder


[2016]

post-work out night walks from the gym back to the saga towers. now that the catharsis of pent-up anger was done, all that was left was just a sinking sense of loneliness. a benign kind of sadness, just like solitude's twin brother - the familiar, dull ache of sadness that was actually comfortable to dwell in. it was as if i were cajoling loneliness, my old friend: "loneliness, come sit with me in the silence of the night". with these tunes in my ears, even small actions could seem poetic in the stillness of the night. tapping my access card against the elm gate and watching it slowly open. crossing the threshold between both spaces and feeling like i was drifting back into where i belonged - alone, lonely but content. those nights spent sitting at utown green watching the lights from neighbouring towers brighten up the already starry sky. yes, i am content. yes i am mulan, in no need of any shang.


aloha - mome, merryn jeann

[2016]

this tune reminds me of fortuitous friendships in the most unlikely of places. new york city drinking nights with vincent. how were we not even friends in ync? weekends in this concrete jungle would have been so lonely without a friend to hunt for boba and get my chinese cuisine fixes with. thank God for the new haven-new york train that brought this gem of a friend here almost every weekend in the month of june. thank God for my yss summer pals who could come to new york city and spend some of their weekends with me. it was incredibly lonely being a small girl working in a big city, but i relished weekends in the month of june knowing i had company. this tune also reminds me of walking around manhattan with akash from afternoon till night - that friend from rj math class that i really couldn't stand, but somehow became friends and hung out with in a city on the opposing end of the globe from where we were. nights getting thai food, taking in the biggest blood moon i had ever seen hanging over the brooklyn bridge, talking about dreams, diplomats and raffles days. "god i love new york" is a phrase he heaved under his breath that i will remember for a long time.

through the night - iu

[2017]

of ediya cafe nights and solitary night walks from my apartment to hongje station, just to get fresh avocado juice. i remember texting you one night that the weather was perfect to take a night walk together. this tune evokes ambivalent emotions of sadness, loneliness and contentment on cold seoul nights, during the journey back to my small apartment with a korean ahjumma whom i still don't know the name of, except for rosie's 엄마. Sadness and loneliness because i could picture you so tangibly in my mind, but my hands were still so tangibly cold. i missed you so terribly much, but it was bearable at the same time, because i had you in my heart to hold. contentment because i didn't need no korean 오빠 - which had been a dream of mine when i first chose korea (in days before i met you). instead, i could go about my days knowing you were someone i could spill all my minuscule adventures to and vice versa - mostly consisting of solitary cafe dates doing online professional courses and internship searches on linkedin, korean bbq nights, pouts about the freezing cold and telling you i bought mcdonalds apple pie for supper.

my Steadfast?

"I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I'm all around you
though you feel I'm far away, I am closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know
I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest

oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go

come to Me, I'm all you need
come to Me, I'm everything
come to Me, I'm all you need
come to Me, I'm your everything
I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid
though your heart and flesh may fail you, I'm your faithful strength
I am with you wherever you go

don't look to the right or to the left but keep your eyes on Me
you will not be shaken, you will not be moved
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
just come to Me, come to Me, cause I'm all that you need"

come and saturate me, until my cup overflows

shake it out

like the old days, i'll channel all these emptiness within me into fuel - something my twenty year old self taught me how, and dance unfettered within.

sixteen year old me first listened to florence + the machine and it pulled her out of the trenches of stoicism & numbness by making her feel so powerful; twenty two year old me listened to florence + the machine this morning at dining hall breakfast and it was still the same - a kind of pure, cathartic feeling of empowerment that i don't know how to put into words.

i feel aimless, but i am not aimless. i have an overarching goal for my time here within these four walls, which is a crucial stepping stone for my time outside of these walls. it is time i stop feeling like i am a drifter. more than anyone i have a series of clear goals that cascade into one another as they take me higher & higher.

eye of the typhoon

for this final year i just want to channel all my efforts into investing in things and people who truly matter to me, to constantly ask myself the question: "does this bring me closer to where i want to be in the future?"

it is difficult having to constantly fight against the feeling that i left behind a world that was so real only to be mired in a faux one again - a pseudo world that ironically still has the ability to make me feel incredibly lacking. coming "home" to a displaced world that no longer feels like home. there are only so few people that i actually really like, relative to the sea of acquaintances or nameless faces. something that i learned in freshman year was to stop caring about the 80% of people who do not matter, & focus on the 20% who really do. the 20% of people who light up a warm fireplace in my heart. if i had to pinpoint the starting point of my growth it would be that moment. it was when i truly started soaring, & i've not looked back since. quality over quantity. friends over networks.

more than two years ago i started incorporating the gym into my life routine bc i was so angry, so furious at the world for telling me via its various manifestations that i wasn't worthy enough - through boys, professors and toxic people in a collapsed organization that no longer means much anymore. two years later and i still revisit that anger every time one foot precedes the other on the treadmill. i will return stronger, smarter, and infinitely more beautiful. 

all else is noise.

time travel - part one of many future parts to come

after a long hiatus due to work, i've discovered (to my pleasant surprise) that the words in me have yet to die -

starting this new series on songs that remind me of a particular moment in time, as they come to mind:

where are you - jung joon young, w ost 

[2017]
it was our second date at beauty world: i dreamt of your hand brushing against mine - would you reach out for it and clasp it boldly if i left it dangling next to yours? we had korean food for dinner where my bibimbap came without meat (a scam) and you donated me some bulgogi as you cheerily recounted the story of a patient defecating in the corridors of the hospital a few metres away from where you were standing (a reference to a few nights ago during your call when you sent me the image, which i thought was going to be something like a grotesque, dismembered limb, but it turned out to be poop - i remember getting ready for bed but sitting upright instantaneously as we whatsapped back and forth with neither of us going offline for a long, long time, and i felt the faintest inkling of a new relationship brewing; yet a part of me was so afraid to fall & have my feelings toyed with again). our second date made me feel like the protagonist of a korean drama - i could almost imagine this soundtrack playing in the background as we shared a bowl of matcha bingsu in a glasshouse as an imaginary camera rolled on. while parting ways i gave you a hug, which surprised you - who was this liberal girl hugging a new stranger-turned-friend on their second date? as i waited for my bus back to campus, this was the tune that made me feel like i was already tipping over into a new world - our W.

when i feel i'm into you - kim jun seok, w ost 

[2017]
i sent you a goodnight text at 2230 as you turned in early in anticipation of a 4am morning, and you marvelled at how i was going to head out to the gym so late into the night. my favourite part of the campus is the view of the lit saga towers in the backdrop juxtaposed against the black canvas of the night - with this tune engulfing my little world carved out by my headphones i would traverse across the elm courtyard and pause - admiring the stillness of the night & thinking of a new, budding "us", feeling my heart rise & rise & rise until it became one with the clouds.


i will go to you like the first snow - ailee, guardian ost 

[2017]
glimpses of yonsei, of navigating the hilly parts of seoul from my ahjumma's apartment to the humble bus 3 bus stop that was just a pole, of gongcha study dates with lilith & that "friday tradition" cheese 찜닭 place we frequented that played this on repeat from the radio's billboard charts; of that dull ache of loneliness as (daily) i solitarily trekked the long walk from yonsei's main gate to the far end of underwood international college - to my east asian international relations class which was taught by a professor i really disliked despite the eventual A+. it reminds me of a sense of wistful loss & homesickness that i associated with everything good that i had momentarily left behind, for a land i had idealised so much in my head and had fallen short in every aspect. it reminds me of the intangibility of missing you, and counting down the days till i would find myself in your arms again.

spirited away - one summer's day, joe hisaishi 

[2015]
to me, this is synonymous with the camaraderie of the saga courtyard in freshman year, and will always be. as i sat at my desk (which was facing the window looking into the opposite block) trying to concentrate on churning out my first scientific inquiry report, i couldn't help but notice a huge blank canvas being draped over the second floor of tower b - it was austin working his magic for our college's community spirit once again, and he brought along the popcorn machine as well. with the entire spirited away soundtrack blaring through the campus on a friday night, i remember ditching my report for apple juice from koufu with mars, then settling down in the grass patch with her to watch spirited away. there was so much contentment in my soul in that moment, sprinkled by the disbelief that i finally made it into my dream college and was privy to this amazing assemble under a starry night sky.

your hands are cold - dario marianelli, pride & prejudice ost

[2012]
this reminds me of my first taste of adulthood wiping plates at pan pacific with joy; a wide-eyed sixteen year old hit with the realisation that money was so difficult to earn & that we had a route out with education but some of the existing staff there didn't; pride & prejudice was our escape from the harsh working hours and incompetent managerial team; as we wiped we memorised verses elizabeth bennett would retort mr. darcy with & dreamt of mr. darcy striding towards lizzy against the backdrop of a stunning sunset - where and when was my very own mr. darcy going to sweep me off my feet? & how would my first kiss taste like? "from the very beginning, from the first moment I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the ground-work of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike" (elizabeth bennet) this was our favourite verse that gave lizzy so much character, and she was the pinnacle of the woman i aspired to be.