anthem

You will lift my head above the mighty waves, 

You are able to keep me from stumbling,

& in my weakness You are the strength that comes from within,

good shepherd of my soul

take my hand & lead me on 

come & coexist

reminder to self that languidness & happiness are not mutually exclusive

calendar girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive

january, february, march, april, may, i'm alive

june, july august - 

"this place is a shelter"

this is a place of unadulterated quietness - the queer kind of quietness that emanates when the lift door closes in a crowded place & inhibits your breathing space: you are entrapped, but the feeling of safety anchors your soul & you feel claustrophobic no longer.

this is quietness that is borne from a feeling of rest - that is birthed from hope, not resignation.

this is quietness that carries you out to sea & swallows you whole - but you float instead of fight, & avail yourself to be eaten whole.

this is the kind of quietness that is gentle & yet demands to be heard,
the kind of quietness that is of the heart & cannot be simulated, nor replicated
on whim.

this is the quietness of hope.

(87 days, but You are my quietness; You are my Hope)  

+65 tunes

(bc i couldn't find it in me to study after eleven & i was feeling impulsive as heck - but ahh did it make me feel really happy)

sinking // floating

some days i wake up with this sinking feeling in my chest & feel like i really am not going to make it.

(but I will call upon Your name // & keep my eyes above the waves // when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace // for I am Yours, & You are mine 

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders)

i really cannot do this alone. 

"the world is unfinished"

i am so prolific with happiness that i feel like i can implode - & should i burst like confetti (hypothetically) out of this rare overflow (& in doing so, self-destruct), i feel like for once, my soul will not despair at the remnants of what is left of me, but will rejoice at the convivial scatter of colourful streamers that serve to commemorate a happy death.

alvin pang's short workshop today (held in sch) was so incredibly inspirational - maybe because Passion was an esteemed guest & its aura had diffused into the valves of my heart. i really enjoyed seeing passion & invincibility exude from his personality & outlook not only on literature - but on life in general i.e. to make a future for yourself rather than wait for it passively, as if opportunities fell from the sky - like shells in a war. i don't even know him personally (unless today's short chat counts) but i really felt a sense of ineffable camaraderie, i really did (or maybe bc i was just excessively happy). 

i think that if he retains an arcane impression of me (in the long run, which i highly doubt but-), it will be a vague memory of a sheepish girl handing him his book to be autographed twice. it was incredibly embarrassing but i am so glad that i had managed to pull a counterfeit, thicker skin over my reddening face & get the task done. as i watched him sign on another page of the same book (that i had previously asked him for an autograph a yr+ ago), i felt so inexplicably consumed by happiness - i was so full, so satiated, i really thought that i could have choked on breathing in happiness. (happiness comes in many different shades but this is by far my favourite kind of happiness) 

stayed back w jj & a new friend to chat for awhile with him (which was honestly pretty daunting bc he is so smart!!!!) but what made my heart sing inwardly was how seriously he took all of us - our perspectives & our ambitions. idk, maybe he is just the kind of person who can make you feel important merely by looking at you seriously in the eye & addressing your question(s), your hopes & your ambition(s). i feel more heartened about something that i have been considering for quite awhile, & today just cemented it further when he told me that if i ever joined the trade, i can "come and look for me(him)". 

this episode today effectively made my day whole - i could not stop smiling, no, beaming the moment i set foot out of the classroom. it was happiness that refused to be contained (& had no reason to be). i think perhaps people thought i was mad but i really didn't (& still don't care) what they thought bc such days are scarce & i need to live them to the fullest. 

i need to remember how i had reserved unveiling the signed book in a quiet place (with as little human interaction as possible). i felt like a child awake & bouncing in jubilee on christmas morning, eager in anticipation to unwrap a promising present.  i could not wait until home so i had carefully retrieved a.p's book from my beaten & worn out kino plastic bag (with the blue coating frayed at the edges) at the back of a relatively empty bus with charlie lim's "there is no love" in my ears. (it just felt perfect to saturate myself in everything which was what i had perceived - & still do, as perfectly sgporean). i need to remember how i had tenderly flipped through the beginning pages & felt my heart collapse in utter bliss when my eyes glossed over what he had written - albeit short & spontaneous. he wrote:

For Denise, again 

"We resort to words

the comfort of them

testing the silence

for echoes" 

i need to remember how i had run them over my tongue an innumerable amount of times until their weight had completely osmosed into my soul, & how my heart died & went to literary heaven.

p.s: also, today it struck me that "happiness" is my favourite word for describing happiness - the emotion. there may be many synonyms that may come off as more sophisticated than this seemingly incompetent adjective, but it is precisely bc of the simplicity of this word that makes it beautiful & thus fully encompasses its true meaning - afterall, happiness is often at its peak when it is unadulterated.

love

"a new command i give you: love one another. as I have loved you, so you must love one another." (john 13:34) 

"bless those who persecute you, bless & do not curse." (romans 12:14)

it!!is!!so!!incredibly!!hard!!to!!love!! & most of the time i find myself swimming in a mire of carnal thoughts; yet at the same time it reminds me so poignantly of Your unmitigated love for me that so readily negates my iniquities & turns them from scarlet to white.

lord, i make a deliberate choice to honor You,
to (try to) be set apart for, no - because of You.

lead me with Strong hands