sing me to sleep

pushing back the clouds of foreboding into the recesses of my head
& burying them under the enveloping canvas of good music

tonight i will not allow anything to sour my merriment
waking up tomorrow to an environment of lukewarm familiarity,
but this time, with the official integration of boys & new "family" members

ambivalent feelings, not expecting anything but praying for a memorable orientation'13
(i also pray for more house spirit hahaha)

wind's trail

today, i found myself more alone than ever

but today, i found myself more alive than ever

i am an 'effacement at the wind's hand",
i am the product of a reconciliation
of soul, flesh & still bones

people must understand that choosing solitude is not a weakness, nor is it something that should garner pity--
it is a deliberate, living choice:
as murakami once put it, "loneliness wasn't such a bad feeling. it was like the stillness of a pin oak after the little birds had flown off."

hermit in my own head

today started out with the promise of corpulent ennui
but ended kind if one negates the aftermath of guilt-tripping & pounding dilemma

started the day envisaging the end of seven speculated hours of torture- yet another personality test workshop, bemoaning the considerable myriad of personality test workshops from last year alone that were mandatory

the verdict was INSJ which was pretty accurate, especially the first syllable.
long saw myself as an introvert contrary to a former me who used to relish & recharge from a company of people, wonder if it was a gradual attraction to all things metaphoric & abstract that pulled me into an introverted scope...was it this lure that changed me, or did it enable me to find myself in the midst of that engagement?

it is as if the mind, conscious of the essence of introversion, drowns me further into my shell for no particular reason at all & on the contrary of constraining my being, it liberates my soul

maybe that is why introverts prefer solitude-- silence amplifies one's thoughts & allows one to look into the core of oneself, to examine oneself like an open book & still be granted freedom & privacy

is it only me or does reading make one feel...invincible?

the day ended kind because my batchmates who went with me for cdance sit-in session got accepted/invited on the spot, which to put it less modestly (excuse my acute honesty), was rather gratifying-- to be acknowledged to be relatively good at something that seeks one's interest (regardless of the extent of that interest) is a kind feeling

feel really inclined to accept the offer, but i really want to try for street dance first, which the teacher ic claimed is a 'waste'...somehow am rather convicted that i will choose cdance regardless but i want to live & leave with no regrets-- the teacher ic is an expert at attempting to "guilt-trip" people, i felt really bad when i mentioned that i had another probable prospect, it made me feel apologetic & ungrateful

consequential dilemmas are nasty things
but admittedly they are better than none

conformity

"it is precisely his (man's) fantastic dreams, his most banal stupidity, that he will wish to keep hold of, with the sole purpose of confirming to himself (as if it were so very necessary), that human beings are still human beings & not piano keys, which, though played upon with their own hands by the laws of nature themselves, are in danger of being played so much that outside the calendar it will be impossible to want anything."

                                                                                           -notes from underground (f.dostoevsky)  


completely free like a bird for the whole day of jip tomorrow, heart is surging with adrenaline when i envisage myself spending quality solitude in my new, & probably the most favourite part of the school-- the majestic (literally) library which mr purvis (the lit lecturer who resembled mr keating in my opinion) deemed an "asset". traced my fingers along the shelves of fictions today, the library is a treasure chest of classics which i would otherwise be too poor to afford all, in fact i am considering shelving dostoevsky for the moment to relish in some thomas hardy/charles dickens/jane austen etc

i have a good four/five hours to burn before we are all allowed to leave school
& no, i do not regret not signing up for any modules at all (all which were too science-orientated & too orthodoxed, thus failing to capture my interest), but before hiding behind shelves i have to spend time chasing teachers w the batchmates around the school tomorrow cuz the school is "cunning" & i do not wish to continue with gym, & i will not no matter how the school tries to pressurize all of us!!!

first of firsts

first day of school today,
many more firsts to come

firstly, happy birthday zeng! ♡ 

should really learn to treasure time which is slipping like sand through my fingers
wish i could hold it, hug it tight such that things will stay as they are now: where the most burdened of our worries are how long a (relatively) inconsequential talk will last & whether we are nearing our lunch break

how gentlemanly of the guys to take the hall while the girls get the pac :> (to whoever who deserves the credit for this arrangement tq) that is really nice because i don't know how we would have survived sitting cross-legged on a ruthlessly hard floor for hours on end

meanwhile, hope this awkward turtle will learn how to swim in such an alien environment

thank god that today went pretty well for a first day :>

lightness

have the scales been ripped off this ghostly heart? are they in the process of shedding their hidden claws off my palpitating muscle?

something has deposited in me tonight--intangible but struggling & for once not beaten down yet

i cannot ascertain its form but i feel a certain lightness

like i can feel invincible again
like i can crawl from this, maybe not stand but maybe, just maybe i can move away from this wreckage & rebuild it with the same knifed hands

my heart is still sinking but it has gone past the sunken stage

i don't wish to sleep because i may wake up & have that dreaded stone of a heart again

where am i

i keep confusing 'unreality' with the 'real' world
what am i grasping on to? this senselessness that pervades the air, are my very hands the accomplices (among many others) which mould it into something that will gratify my prejudicial perspective of the world? such that when my hands are no longer reaching, or out of reach, the same senselessness that made vague sense a few minutes ago become formless?

the same senselessness that killed dreams

was just telling j yesterday that i feel like everyone is struggling for a piece of the world & the world has no place for me, in which she said 'it's true, the world has absolutely no place for us, we don't belong here"

i want to believe it with every ounce of my heart
but my love is weak

took a long time to fall into slumber last night, was staring at the ceiling of my wall, watching the light dance & shadows engulf any remnant of light left with every passing car downstairs, yet the light from the street lamps reflected below never failed to bounce back after every fleeting car--

is that what faith is like?

hovered on the brink of unconsciousness half-ill between grotesque reality & killed, savage dreams,
turning ideas at the back of my head

where i had an image of a clenched fist encapsulating a hapless fruit
the clenched fist tightened around the helpless fruit
tightening, tightening
until the juice of the fruit was excreted & collected in a pool below
until all that was left, trapped in the unrelenting fist was pulp
useless pulp
bound for the bin, bound for the incinerator
bound to be ashes

& i wondered if i was the juice or the pulp

society only rejoices with the competent
& eradicates the rest

who am i to struggle against the suffocating fist?

she looked at the girl at the base of the mountains cowering in the shadows of incompetency

& she scorned at her colossal failure

she whispered ferociously with jauntiness, "let it wound you, till you bleed dry, till all that's left is a hollow cavern, let the oozing blood from your eyes & heart seep back into your pores, absorb it all, till your soul starts to scream for a respite & morphs into another lifeless being, till the incarnation is complete."

not knowing that she herself was still living in the ineffable realm of unreality, within reality
that she was merely acting like a tourist in the woken world
that she & the girl are one & the same

sovereign

lord you are still good regardless

in this battle of self-worth i pray that you will rip the scales off my ghostly heart that refuses to see your goodness

and i lift this knifed heart into your hands

invincible

spent the night listening to bedroom hymms & jotting down the great gatsby quotes, conscious that tomorrow is such an important day for many beloved people & aware that my stake is trivial in comparison to the others 

so i shove the anxious nerves back under my skin.  

trying to negate the contingency of having to deal another /unbearable/ year with chinese with invincibility--

i love how listening to florence & the machine makes me feel invincible

like i am capable of anything & everything

-- can i just say the trailer of the great gatsby ("gatsby? what gatsby?") thrills me so much & peaks when florence starts howling--

florence is golden, her voice is a deathless song 

please lord i pray that chinese will be bygones

but lord over all i pray that You will guard the hearts of all & never let them go

help us to be in a posture of thanksgiving for what You have settled for us 

tempest

emotionless effusions from the walls
but walls have ears
do not be deceived

beneath those walls is a tempest
stirring a hurricane of mangled emotions

i have ears
i absorb

maybe at the end
everything, including the broken pieces will be blown away
& to the wingless all that remains is a cavern

i live in cages

sometimes i feel like if i scream hard enough, darkness encapsulated in my heart will be surged forth & travel through my palpitating veins out of my system

then turn into ashes at my feet

other times, i feel like a little girl standing at the foot surrounded by intimidating mountains in the cage of my own mind

cowering but never being able to break free