life has already begun

i am so excited for life to begin that i have completely overlooked how here & now is life.

this is a reminder to self that life is not a specific event - life does not begin after 2nd/3rd/4th march (the tentativeness of the sacred date itself just makes everything more unsettled) 2k15, where i will finally get to consolidate the flotsam in my head (i feel alittle like the rescue crew of my own scattered ship: oh, here's a piece titled "uncertainty" floating towards me // hey i've found "dream" // oh there you are "opportunity", i've been looking out for you for so long i'd thought you would never come.) life is here and now, in this breathing moment, even if it's nearly 12 a.m. and the world is probably preparing to turn in. life is here and now, and in a second - there, "now" has been here and it is gone.

i'd started 2k14 with the resolution to stop existing and start living - pointing fingers at the giant letter A for the lifelessness i had felt. today, i've realised that it has never been its fault, because i am back at square one a year later, treading on the same spot. the fault has always been with me - they say when you point fingers at someone, there will always be four fingers pointing back at you. they are right. i am too passive for my own good. i take in things, but i hardly engage - instead, i wait, remember to pinch myself awake, then inadvertently fall back into slumber again. wake up denise!! how many hours do you have to sleep away before you realise that your youth will not last forever??? (& youth is undeniably my/our greatest asset)

now is the time for a personal reconnaissance-like expedition: to find out what i really like, what boundaries are within reach, to locate my greatest enemy and exterminate it while i can. now is indeed the time to read books that have never been assigned in class before, to watch the movies - senseless, educational, even trashy ones that i never ever had the time to do so in my years of existence. even so,  i think i read far too slowly that i chafe at my own reading speed (& am ashamed of updating my goodreads hahaha). i wish to ruminate on every word  my eyes come into contact with that i probably end up losing the whole gist of the story.

anyway, at the very least, i have found out that i prefer fulfillment to idleness, and by extension, change to stagnation. empty hours spent wasting away refreshing social media may be novel for a change, but that grace period has already expired. i was getting so exasperated with myself for doing absolutely nothing at the beginning of this week that i knew i had to job-hunt immediately after my long chat with a.p (which was absolutely lovely btw; i think above all the valuable advice i'd received from the veteran - which just completely redirected my lofty & poorly thought-out paths in mind, i've gained a friend, which is definitely more worthy than any one-off event.) even in the interim period where either times or kino have yet to call, i feel much happier (compared to slothing at home) working at c's family cafe with j & c herself, even if it's just for three hours during the madness titled "office lunch hour". ironically, this sense of fulfillment more than makes up for all the crappiness that had made me promise myself  never to step into the f&b industry again three years ago. i think even the bad that was in pp's now clouded with (at the very least) humor in retrospect. i guess even crappy work has its merits - they open my eyes to things that make experiences in school seem like an extremely watered down version - hypocrisy for one, is a recurrent theme. also, i've learnt to become an observer rather than merely a worker at a temporary job - it makes a huge difference to know that i am bigger than an existing circumstance, and it is a powerful epiphany that makes me less dreadful of yet another day of dreary work life. (having said that, i hope something more permanent will come soon - life now still feels rather temporary)