on leaving

final day at a certain place tomorrow:

i have to leave, i have to leave bc i am feeling out of my skin in a place that was supposed to make me most myself. 

it is absurd to feel afraid of becoming myself - in that place, i morph into a docile, quiet wallflower who is cautiously inching through landmines - apprehensive of treading on people's toes. (i also think i accidentally made an enemy literally treading on one lol) i am so tired of blaming myself for the lack of chemistry between another person & myself; perhaps i am unused to having people loathe me for no apparent reason that it becomes almost unbearable now. this inherent clash between upholding christian values & battling demeaning thoughts packed away in the deep recesses of my head makes me feel so spent after every work day (which is also compounded by the physical lethargy from working long shifts). maybe i am just a mess when i have to deal with unreasonable human interactions - i believe that i am well-equipped to take constructive criticism rather stoically, but irrational ostracism??? not really??

but working here has made one specific thing unequivocal: as much as i dislike moving & change in general, stagnation - its antithetical counterpart, is a greater enemy. i'd always thought that this was only figurative, but it turns out that it is literal as well. i feel like time crawls when i spend every second stationary. it is actually quite amazing that time actually does passes by, bc in retrospect i cannot fathom how harsh it must have been to be trapped in something so relentless as the continuity of (seeming) stasis. 

most of the time, i will myself away, or feel like a part of me is evaporating, effacing into those shelves that surround me. being in that place with almost apathetic people (though there are also people who make me feel like i am myself again - like rlly nice seniors // comrades in almost similar predicaments - though i feel like i am bearing the brunt of all that hostility // h.r // the friendly store director who rmbed i was reading murakami's kafka in the pantry a few days before & casually enquired abt my progress during working hrs a few days after - he even offered to spoil the ending for me lol) makes me feel like my core is being sublimed until all that is left is a physical shell which smiles at (some specific) people who will (always) conveniently stare through me. (sudden epiphany that the people who are cold to me are all those who are in the same position as me but more experienced - now this makes more sense - but seriously, are they afraid that i will steal their ricebowl from them as a temp staff???) (& i always ask myself why do i even try // what the heck is wrong with you people?! manners before seniority?! // *in miranda sing's accent* HATERS BACK OFF !!!  - but it's alright bc i will not be obligated to do things against my will from tmrw night onwards !! heck yes !!!)

i am also slightly angry that this place, which had once been my source of magic, is now ironically the very perpetrator for robbing me of my confidence, but this too shall pass.

so you ask me why i have to leave so soon??? 

p.s excuse the abrupt change in font; will fix that probably tmrw or some other day bc blogger mobile is awfully inconvenient - also need my beauty sleep to be fully armored to deal with people tmrw 

//edit//

i am done with this trepidation & god bless doubly the souls who wished me luck/made my last more favourably memorable