but what am i so afraid of? of peaking? of losing out & missing any prized opportunity that will come my way? why am i so terrified of comparison - no, why am i so afraid of faring poorer than someone - anybody - else, that everything must become a competition, a race that i must eventually emerge victorious, even if the yardstick of victory is relative?
the line is blurring between trying & trying for the sake of it - half the time i don't even know why i am chasing after something when i know full well that prestige may be grandiose but is ultimately poor fuel. or perhaps the line has already been blurred.
also, is passion alone sufficient to survive? this brings up the question that infuriates me: why am i going to spend four years closely examining a specific discipline & spiritually wasting away my hours to satisfy/benefit a corporation in the future which i currently do not even have a clue about??? of course i already know the answer (which makes this a rhetorical question) & also do acknowledge that perhaps this itself is birthed out of self-benefit but i just have to put an aimless lament out here to justify this rising indignation chafing against my chest. how i wish to outwardly protest that "i will not bow down to society's demands !!!" but truth is i am already on all fours in preparation for the revered emperor to make his way through the palace gates.
it has been a week since results day & i feel intimidated by the power of that single slip of paper - or rather the power of knowing the alphabets on that slip of paper. it feels like so much has transformed ever since, & i am almost like a different person now.
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