i can finally feel !!!

have been working for five consecutive days this week & i am tired as heck but surprisingly enjoying the fulfilment of taking better ownership of time - as much as i love to laze around, the sweetness of rest is only truly emphatic with labour (just like the coveted one hr break after 11pm before bedtime, watching mindless yt vids that i absolutely used to treasure last yr). this rings ironically in my own ears (or eyes) but i think work has been slowly extricating my being from a state of stasis & the aforementioned desiccation.

for one, i am less apathetic about life & beginning to feel strongly about things again - which is a really good sign of recovery. happiness is crawling into bed after a long day, languid & aching but snuggled up in my trusty pink blankie, with cushions & the time traveler's wife (which is easing me out of my reading rut !!! finally, after a deadlock preceded by three seemingly promising but disappointing books. i usually try to finish a book as quickly as possible so that i don't seem like such a loser on goodreads - stagnant on a book for weeks; but i am deliberately snailing on this one bc i rly don't want it to end & i am afraid i'll hit a reading wall again). happiness is waking up with the sun while it is still relatively docile & watching its rays filtering into the kitchen gradually; happiness is sizzling my own bacon & cheese on a pan (bc i am not that alien to cooking now i.e. currently learning how to cook !!! which i am so glad i finally am) for breakfast & making my own wrap for lunch - occasionally even throwing in a salad for cleansing even though i know that the thousand island dressing defeats its purpose of existence. happiness is relishing in leisure time rather than deliberately wasting & wishing it away - the precondition of cherishing lies in its scarcity, which i now possess. (lol that oxymoron). happiness is also finding new music to fuel the soul i.e. mansions on the moon - also, is it weird that i use soundcloud as my predominant music channel/to listen to beats/alt music??? 

crude realisation that this post is pretty pointless with stale revelations that i had alrdy known i.e. happiness taking the form of simple things but i am just so happy that i am finally writing & feeling again 

(still waiting for the ultimatum but as each day inches towards that day of knowing my heart increasingly clenches like a fist & sometimes i really just pray to God to let me have my way in this & i pray so hard that this dream of mine is also his & i wonder if i am once again blurring the lines between faith & expectation but God, you know best, you know best)