stop lapsing into drift mode

finally catching a breather after the submission of three consecutive papers but my happiness has been inadvertently dampened by the first post that i saw on fb - a compilation of pictures wrt elderly people looking at their younger selves in the mirror and perhaps it was the confluence of qrion's soothing remixes in the background and the residual sadness i felt after watching jenn's recent ldr video (that made me feel her sense of loneliness) but oh my goodness i was so close to the point of tearing bc i felt such an indescribable sense of loss (for these elderly people, for myself in advance idk). i am probably not doing my emotions justice but what instinctively stabbed me was that one day i will be old and greying and i will look back to this point in my life - college as the apex of my youth and i will regret not living, not capitalising on my youth, not creating enough memories for myself to keep. i will regret merely drifting and not making the best out of what is supposed to be the time of my life. i feel like i am totally taking the learning opportunities i have here for granted - not bothering to read my texts properly on the pretext that i am tired, telling myself that i am tired of reading things that i am not interested to read - but at the same time not bothering to pick up things that i am actually interested to read bc i am just not in an intellectual mood i.e. procrastination (i am almost never in an intellectual mood i realised), telling myself that i am so done with school just bc of those few minuscule back-to-back assignments etc - it is just this sudden realisation that i have been feeding myself negative thoughts without even consciously realising that i am my own poison. i remember saying once that one of my greatest fears was peaking, but will i even be able to say that i have peaked when i am disintegrated by age???

i was honestly more motivated post-as than i am now and it is appalling bc i am supposed to feel passion in this place more than anywhere else. i am now lukewarm towards writing, lukewarm towards dance, lukewarm towards philosophy of the self etc - i rmb sitting in ppt class today struck by the notion of how the soul and body are so disconnected from each other, if you removed my soul and placed it in a glass jar it would just be a formless, incorporeal substance / so what is this face that i have been staring into the mirror everyday does it actually mean anything on its own?? it's just so scary to have to entertain the thought of my face as a mere shell.

i need to turn my habitual  'so done with school' catch phrase into a 'so into school'. i need to completely revolutionise my mindset that college is a finding place, not a drifting space. i need to reignite my passions and turn them into inexhaustible fuel. i need to start living - for the umpteen time and finally start meaning it.

i am where i worked so hard to be - it is time that i start making use of it.