how lucky am i to have days where i am happy with myself - to feel unabashedly beautiful about how i look with that winged liner hiding beneath my very shades that complements the new work bag i'd been coveting for awhile; to feel so at one with myself & with how i am presenting myself to the world, to feel so empowered as i join a throng of other new yorkers under the morning manhattan sun - all of us walking with a sense of purpose to a deliberate destination i.e. our respective offices for work; to feel like i really know what i am doing with my life - having an overarching scheme of some sort & a vague idea of how i'm getting there: a non-profit this year, a corporate next year & a shot for the big fish in penultimate year (along with my career dreams i've also realised how my wardrobe has simultaneously started to evolve, hence probably explaining my personal phenomena of stocking up & chalking up so much $$$ for certain staples - i know it's terrible but i'm kind of a go big or go home type of girl; also my mantra for spending money is money can always be earned back but regret can't - especially in a foreign country - you feel me? ok i kid i just bought not one but two pairs of heels from zalora i'm horrible but yes money can always be earned back next sem !!! ).
how lucky am i that on days like these material goods can actually make me happy, that happiness can simultaneously emanate from both the inside & outside. summer has lifted the cloud that was cyclical, intangible sadness / nothingness that had consistently resurfaced / persisted throughout the entire previous semester. i hope i have stored enough fuel to run on happiness starting sophomore year.
stirring inside of me is a determination to return stronger & more beautiful than ever (in every single aspect of its connotation). & if boys can't handle this bolder version of me i guess i'll just wait for the workplace where a couple of years more goes a long way (i think i've realised how i'm a different breed from most girls esp wrt how i pursue clarity & i used to wonder if it was a curse but why should i change who i am for anybody just to get somebody???) i think i have finally come to my senses: if i have to feel disempowered at the mercy of someone even once again i am honestly better off alone - i've been alone this entire summer with the freedom to do whatever i want i.e. flirt if i'd wanted to & flirt sometimes i did bc i am proud to capitalise on my gift as a woman & honestly it's been nothing short of liberating. also i didn't know it myself but i must be pretty good with guys in this part of the world bc besides my intern bae i've been hanging out with mostly if not only male friends???? from settling into nyc / yss kids / boston to dc if you have been watching my vids or vlogs of some sort you'll know what i mean. realising that the problem isn't with me has definitely freed me from the delusion that it is my fault for failing to find someone i can proclaim i love. but if i ever do you can definitely count on me to say it boldly - it's what i will be waiting for this entire time, until then.
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