love?

the residue from a conversation last evening - the nature of a thought festering at the back of your head that had hitherto been only privy to you changes form when it manifests from your own mouth and you surprise yourself, surprise yourself at how weird it sounds when vocalised - "i realised i cannot truly say i have loved someone before - no, not in that sense" "oh...isn't that kind of...sad?" "i guess i just haven't found someone i would go that deep for" - to not have truly loved or felt truly loved at twenty - that hit me. fondness had always smoldered away - was always soldered thin under the solder of an overarching reason or inopportune timing, but whatever it was the glue had always been built on tenuous bricks of compromise anyway. maybe this is why memories have a stranglehold over me. for a girl who pursues absolute clarity i think i scare people away most of the time.

this thought, coupled with monday blues (especially after such an eventful weekend), made me pretty blue today, & when i accidentally smashed my earpiece on the table top while trying to plug it into my iphone i told myself f the gym & made up my mind that i was going to head down to soho to get a new earpiece from the apple store. either way i just didn't feel like returning to the apartment so soon - i wanted to sit somewhere alone to write, to think, to be undisturbed in quietness. survived on fourteen percent of battery before it finally died & i had no way of redirecting myself to union square where there are park benches so i had a change of plans - i hadn't properly solitarily shopped since forever (the times waiting for people do not count bc they were incidental / somehow i always stumbled into stores with mega discounts while waiting for people) & everywhere i looked were symbols of consumerism so i caved in - but i am so thankful i did bc it may sound exaggerated now but this romper i tried on & really, really fancied made me feel like life would be well again (don't get me wrong i am so thankful to be here & life is mostly good but when i feel like i'm in a rut it is easy to negate all the good & wallow in the bad) - my point is: this is the power of feeling beautiful, of feeling beauty emanate & exude from inside your system. when i tried it on in the dressing room i felt so chic / i could almost envisage bae jenn wearing something like that & it made me feel so happy to feel attractive in what i was wearing again (my suitcase fashion isn't exactly spectacular - mostly filled with jeans of different shades i don't need). i rmb telling v over the weekend this is the very reason why i adore make-up - the physical act of getting ready & putting on a more defined version of my face makes me feel psychologically put together. i am not cancelling my features - i am highlighting them & giving them life. this is also the predominant reason why i still bothered with upkeeping my appearances at the end of semester one when i had felt like absolute crap - i rmb telling someone who asked "even if i feel like crap inside at least i look good on the outside - can you imagine if both were crap i'll just be a shitpile."

feeling beautiful & revelling in the confidence it brings makes me feel self-sufficient & whole - i may be a half but until i find the other i will continue to feel whole. this entire experience in nyc has just been growing my individuality - the feeling of oneness with myself & the city while walking down the vast streets, the dearth of anxiety in my system even when my battery grows flat (stemmed from the confidence that i do know manhattan well enough to navigate myself back), the entire business of cooking my own lunch/dinner & doing my own laundry in a laundromat etc.

i will keep growing until nothing fazes me anymore. but for now, sleep. for a new day tomorrow.