picking up, picking speed

i took a deep breath & listened to the old brag of my heart. i am, i am, i am.

- sylvia plath

onwards

an exponential amount of expletives, many heart-felt conversations with different people, hot tears, hugs & finally - literally setting alight the angry & aching mess of my emotions scribbled on pieces of paper from my journal later: it can only be an upward trajectory from here.

now that i have fully processed everything & accepted that life (which is encapsulated by what c said at dinner earlier "adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street, then getting hit by an airplane") can be f**king unfair even for those who work earnestly & take pride in their work, in many ways i am glad i experienced & learnt it before entering the work place - after all, i aspire to keep growing & my trajectory of growth did take an unprecedented twist but it is nevertheless still growth in every sense of the word. i came out feeling like my entire college life hitherto had been invalidated by things out of my control & by no fault of mine; feeling like i had been living a lie of some sort in believing the best of various institutions & people; feeling like my world was collapsing inwards & folding me in - how could i process it in a rational way when i had always used my portfolio to justify to myself (& to others) why i was in every aspect capable & worthy of the opportunities i desired, or why i didn't need a boy in my life as long as i had my professional growth to count on? corporate relations/fr are collectively a niche skill set & not being able to find solace from the people around me who had kind intentions but were just unable to relate wrt the personal ramifications (bc you will not know what corporate bashing looks like until you have experienced it for yourself) honestly made me feel so misunderstood - to them i may have looked like an overreacting fool but to me (& my personal reputation) it is a gross understatement to say the implications are real - they palpitate in me & i live in fear for how everything now will come back to haunt me. but it has not been in waste. the best thing about education (ranging from academics to the entire holistic package) is that it is something that no one - no person, no institution etc. will be able to take away from you. in the grand scale of things, i am bigger than any organisation. and with god i know i will be unstoppable. this is just a stepping stone to greater things, for closed doors only show me to the straight paths that He has in store for me - plans to prosper me & not to harm me. 

through this entire formative experience i have tried, tested & succeeded in acquiring niche skills that will ultimately set me apart from the others who have not had these experiences. without this collective experience i would not have tested my psychological limits & emerged stronger; would not have gained the confidence i have to make me into the young woman i am today (i think it is a general consensus to say i've grown so much from rj days); would not have had the confidence to ace both interviews to secure an internship in nyc (& new york by itself was another crazy formative experience that i wouldn't trade for anything else); would not have been able to say i had stepped up to something that had scared the crap out of me & conquered it through & through (at least for things within my sphere of control). learning that i am good at this & can be better. learning that i now know how to use my girlish charm in a way that advances my professional interests - 

i am proud of myself & i should be proud of the work that i had done, despite these things beyond my control. 

without this experience i would not have met the person who taught me the ropes in the first place i.e. rendering everything above truly invalid, nor would i have gotten so close to so many people who had been through absolute crappiness with me & whom i know i can count on now to have my back. friendships cannot be measured, & god knows how important they are to me. i am still thankful, nevertheless. 

it can only go upward from here. 

just me, god & my big dreams

holy is the lord revealed before my eyes,

& my burdened heart can scarcely take it in

...

now i know,

i have seen

the glory that cannot be unseen

i am changed

& changing still

as i look upon You lord & believe

these ghosts of my past -
i keep bumping into them everywhere
i turn -
in common spaces, in dreams, in shelved memories:
memories that heave in the spaces of my lungs,
bringing a wistful ache as they flash past
before my eyes,
a book of ineffable memories,
like the flickering of a traffic light.
not an ache of regret, but
an ache to remind me i probably wasn't
good enough for any of them,
to want me enough,
to stay.

but today as i strode out of the library,
headphones perched & heart refocused
on my self once more,
on first & foremost,
working on my relationship
with You -
i wasn't enough because i had
crowded You out of my heart -
looking for Love in the faces of other
potential lovers around me,
not in the one Face above me.
these faces were merely mirrors
that shattered with the breaking
of every illusion.

for who else would thirst after me
like You do?
who else would want me,
not for the polished front i put up -
but for the nights i cry myself to sleep,
the nights i let my giants consume me?
who else would want the best for me,
& is in the position to grant me
these opportunities, to open doors,
whose Favour is all i need?

looking back, You have always gone before,
& You will always go before me,
to fulfil Your promise of taking me
"from glory to glory" -
from one level to yet another
level of glory -
such a ceaseless promise.
& so i will trust in You
to make my paths right,
to ride & rise on Your wings,
& to say yes to the doors
You will open before me.

elohim

in Your strength i can crush an army;
with my god i can scale any wall.
god's way is perfect.
all the lord's promises prove true.
...
for who is god except the lord?
who but our god is a solid rock?
god is my strong fortress,
and He makes my way perfect.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
enabling me to stand on mountain heights.
He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

You have given me my shield of victory;
Your help has made me great.

(2 samuel 22:30-36)

to walk with, & not in retrospect

i have been like scattered sand - yes, i am bold & will go after things i desire, but what i had desired was to find love & affection in fallible human beings, corporeal human beings whom i hoped would be able to satisfy my propensity for carnality - as i wrapped my arms around myself & rocked myself to sleep on bad nights i thought of how nice it would be to have someone physical to hold me, not how nice it would be to be immeasurably satiated by the incorporeal God, my lord whom i knew (in my head yes, not in my heart) has the ability to satisfy even the thirstiest of hearts. i refused - how could i when touch is my love language, how could i touch & feel loved by someone who lives in the heavens, the stars, the seas, the soil beneath our feet, whose omnipresence is more than i can bear, more than what i can fill in the spaces between my fingers, or my outstretched arms, whose boundlessness i cannot kiss nor tangibly feel? & so i lost myself to the shadows of pursuing after insatiable things, after fallible people like myself, & got disappointed again & again by people who lost interest, who couldn't commit, who didn't seek after my heart as fervently as i had romanticised in my head. i only prayed for the want of things, not for the want of christ himself. i had desired to find a partner who will devote his heart to God, but have failed to realise that he too will look for someone after God's own heart, not after the things of this world, things i had fiercely been in pursuit of. i have always thought the problem doesn't lie with me - but to a large extent it does, it does, it does: unless i find back the anchor of my heart that is You, & You alone, i will never be satisfied.

looking back on my journal entries, i remember the times that i had lived & breathed of You, during my a lvl days. those were the hardest of times, but they were also the best of times, particularly in terms of the immense wealth i had in my soul & spirit. on the eighteenth of october 2k14 i recall a leader from church taking the time to pray for me, prophesizing that You will take me from 'strength to strength & glory to glory', adding that You will take me from one level of glory to a higher level of glory. until i went back to that particular entry tonight i had always thought You had fulfilled that promise utterly - the first clause when i survived the ordeal of alvls with so much grace left to spare, the second when i finally got taken off the waitlist at the last moment it was stipulated to close. it was such an arduous wait i thought it was more than i could bear - for someone who loved clarity so much i had shed so many hot tears not knowing the tenability of my future with unwavering certainty until the last moment. i always thought the chapter of that prophesy had closed then - but now i can see that it was just the tip of the iceberg, the former 'glory' preceding the latter 'to glory'.

since then You have indeed taken me higher & higher: from learning the ropes of fundraising to raising close to the 20k mark on my own; from eschewing from every events-planning related commitment (except for gym concert'12 which i was coerced to be a part of) to organising (come this mid-january) my fourth political conference to date, from feeling at a complete loss wrt summer plans after my application for the santander scholarship fell through last december to the bestest of bestest time in new york city & (if all goes well) spain this coming summer. i have always forgotten You in the moments leading up to these victories & only remembered in retrospect, but You never have.

life with You in the peripheries until things go awry is such a convenient life to live. but as we waited for the fireworks to erupt at the close of 2k16 & i marvelled at how You have taken the brokenness of my best college orientation buddy (who left) & completely transformed his grades & perceived self-worth, as we both agreed that a life lived without You seems better until it gradually gets so incredibly emotionally tiring & utterly empty, as we both pledged individually to begin growing in You come 2k17,

for once in my life i anchor my new year's resolution in You: to do things together with You, not in retrospect.