now that i have fully processed everything & accepted that life (which is encapsulated by what c said at dinner earlier "adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street, then getting hit by an airplane") can be f**king unfair even for those who work earnestly & take pride in their work, in many ways i am glad i experienced & learnt it before entering the work place - after all, i aspire to keep growing & my trajectory of growth did take an unprecedented twist but it is nevertheless still growth in every sense of the word. i came out feeling like my entire college life hitherto had been invalidated by things out of my control & by no fault of mine; feeling like i had been living a lie of some sort in believing the best of various institutions & people; feeling like my world was collapsing inwards & folding me in - how could i process it in a rational way when i had always used my portfolio to justify to myself (& to others) why i was in every aspect capable & worthy of the opportunities i desired, or why i didn't need a boy in my life as long as i had my professional growth to count on? corporate relations/fr are collectively a niche skill set & not being able to find solace from the people around me who had kind intentions but were just unable to relate wrt the personal ramifications (bc you will not know what corporate bashing looks like until you have experienced it for yourself) honestly made me feel so misunderstood - to them i may have looked like an overreacting fool but to me (& my personal reputation) it is a gross understatement to say the implications are real - they palpitate in me & i live in fear for how everything now will come back to haunt me. but it has not been in waste. the best thing about education (ranging from academics to the entire holistic package) is that it is something that no one - no person, no institution etc. will be able to take away from you. in the grand scale of things, i am bigger than any organisation. and with god i know i will be unstoppable. this is just a stepping stone to greater things, for closed doors only show me to the straight paths that He has in store for me - plans to prosper me & not to harm me.
through this entire formative experience i have tried, tested & succeeded in acquiring niche skills that will ultimately set me apart from the others who have not had these experiences. without this collective experience i would not have tested my psychological limits & emerged stronger; would not have gained the confidence i have to make me into the young woman i am today (i think it is a general consensus to say i've grown so much from rj days); would not have had the confidence to ace both interviews to secure an internship in nyc (& new york by itself was another crazy formative experience that i wouldn't trade for anything else); would not have been able to say i had stepped up to something that had scared the crap out of me & conquered it through & through (at least for things within my sphere of control). learning that i am good at this & can be better. learning that i now know how to use my girlish charm in a way that advances my professional interests -
i am proud of myself & i should be proud of the work that i had done, despite these things beyond my control.
without this experience i would not have met the person who taught me the ropes in the first place i.e. rendering everything above truly invalid, nor would i have gotten so close to so many people who had been through absolute crappiness with me & whom i know i can count on now to have my back. friendships cannot be measured, & god knows how important they are to me. i am still thankful, nevertheless.
it can only go upward from here.
No comments:
Post a Comment