just me, god & my big dreams

holy is the lord revealed before my eyes,

& my burdened heart can scarcely take it in

...

now i know,

i have seen

the glory that cannot be unseen

i am changed

& changing still

as i look upon You lord & believe

these ghosts of my past -
i keep bumping into them everywhere
i turn -
in common spaces, in dreams, in shelved memories:
memories that heave in the spaces of my lungs,
bringing a wistful ache as they flash past
before my eyes,
a book of ineffable memories,
like the flickering of a traffic light.
not an ache of regret, but
an ache to remind me i probably wasn't
good enough for any of them,
to want me enough,
to stay.

but today as i strode out of the library,
headphones perched & heart refocused
on my self once more,
on first & foremost,
working on my relationship
with You -
i wasn't enough because i had
crowded You out of my heart -
looking for Love in the faces of other
potential lovers around me,
not in the one Face above me.
these faces were merely mirrors
that shattered with the breaking
of every illusion.

for who else would thirst after me
like You do?
who else would want me,
not for the polished front i put up -
but for the nights i cry myself to sleep,
the nights i let my giants consume me?
who else would want the best for me,
& is in the position to grant me
these opportunities, to open doors,
whose Favour is all i need?

looking back, You have always gone before,
& You will always go before me,
to fulfil Your promise of taking me
"from glory to glory" -
from one level to yet another
level of glory -
such a ceaseless promise.
& so i will trust in You
to make my paths right,
to ride & rise on Your wings,
& to say yes to the doors
You will open before me.