five seconds

today a video autoplayed on my facebook feed and it was about the five second rule to success. it talked about how this woman pulled herself out of her depression from hitting rock bottom by imagining she was a rocket on a five second countdown, ready to be launched out into space by nasa. five seconds were all it took to launch herself out of bed after a prolonged period of languishing into nothingness & self-pity. five seconds were all it took to psych herself into believing in life again, & to push her way through the mud. she mentioned that life is an accumulation of all these small decisions - the decision to get out of bed, to starting a fitness routine, to leaping at opportunities career-wise. the window period to tricking your naysayer brain into discomfort (read: growth) is just five seconds.

i think i really needed this reminder this morning. halfway through this summer i think a small part of me fizzled out. until this evening i was still in a lull. i haven't had a proper break since sem 2 started. nor one when it ended & ushered in summer'17. less than a week after my final papers, i had packed my bags and was on a plane to spain - my first sojourn to europe. what little energy i had left from the sem i spent adjusting: abandoning my first language for my fourth, roaming around alone, making new friends & planning my solo trip to madrid. a month later i flew back, rested for a couple of days before immediately diving into my current internship. i still haven't had a proper, prolonged break. it will be only a week and a half after i end before i'll be on a plane to korea for exchange. four months till i'll have approximately two weeks before junior year sem 2 begins.

& yet it never seems enough to me. i vacillate between feeling proud at my personal growth journey & feeling chafed at myself for not doing enough; i have so much potential left that i know i'm not maxing out, but why is there a part of me that is so lazy & doesn't want to move? it is always a struggle between choosing to step out of what's lull & comfortable into scary things that put me on an edge. some of these are small things - like phone screening prospective intern candidates (bc part of my task is to personally find my replacement before i leave), or reaching out to vendors (software companies) providing the omni channel solutions we need. which intern recruits her own intern replacement???? or directly liaises with some big shot ceo of a saas company to demand for the specifications we need before taking them on as our vendor??? sometimes my work is incredulous & alittle scary, but i always need to remember the five second rule - it takes five seconds to trick your brain into action, before it can realise you are doing something that scares the shit out of you. then you'll no choice but to sit & enjoy the ride.

today i had a girl crush moment i thought i had lost from rg days. few things make me so excited as seeing empowered women in the workplace (whom i look up to) band together to trail blaze a palpable vision. to see your girl goals from different time periods & sources work together in real life is such a surreal feeling, but in retrospect should not be all that surprising. talent attracts talent. birds of a feather indeed flock together. you are who (& become who) you work with. it is so important to have people to dream together with. in a sense i am so thankful we live in an age where i have these women to look up to, & hopefully one day other girls at my age will be looking up to an older version of me in the same way too. i may be still lacking in experience & knowledge in so many ways - it took eight years, or past a decade (or even two, or more) for them to get where they are now. my youth may seem like a curse, but it is my asset. i have at least eight years to get to that stage, & get there i will.