it's been awhile since i've lit a candle, put on some good o' tunes on my speakers, got myself a glass of choya & wrapped myself under the covers - just to pause & sit in the quietness of the night, to look back at the past few months - remnants of summer 2k17.
two words: thankful & proud.
thankful bc halfway i lost sight of god alittle - one day i awoke forgetting what my new year's resolution even was, when i'd established from the beginning that the crux of this year would be to learn how to walk with god & not in retrospect. there was hardly any linearity in our relationship - a few days to peak & another few days to plateau; coming full circle to first Love, then paying lip service again & inevitably the entire cycle of rinse & repeat. in the eyes of the world, how can binding myself to a Being so seemingly intangible - almost like blind faith, be sexy? or convenient?
in spite of & still, He had & has been faithful.
in my relationships. in panning out my summer plans impeccably. in showing me favour. in blessing me with the camaraderie of new friendships - both abroad & at my short stint at work. in blessing me with wisdom - both godly & secularly. in pointing me towards giant-slayers &/or role models to look towards in my professional life. in grounding my heart to the unchanging anchor - the steadiness that is Him. the word that encapsulates it in mandarin is 踏实. i think that's what god has been for me. where i am & this path that i have treaded thus far - yes indeed i'd worked for them & bloody hard at that, but the final call had always been His. i made my petitions to god & pulled heavenly strings, knowing so steadfastly in my heart the opportunities i were going to get even before i got them. this spanish scholarship. this trip to spain, even when financial difficulties arose (my scholarship money only got credited after my trip). this internship from the moment i reached out via a backdoor that i wasn't even sure was going to work. my upcoming study abroad to korea. doing things with Him meant i knew the places i got put in were & are still divinely ordained. that my personal & professional growth are as important to Him as my spiritual one.
thankful also bc through these past months He has taught me to love like i have never done before. love is patient, love is kind...it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails. cliches will always remain cliches until they are searingly felt by the heart. (we will be more than alright, my love, if we always feast our eyes on Him, alright?) i've learnt it is so pertinent to begin the battle knowing which side you're fighting for. for us. in god. always.
proud bc i know what i want to achieve in life & i've thoroughly invested in myself this summer to be inching closer towards that overarching goal. immersing myself in an organically spanish environment. travelling & living alone once again, this time with no familiar faces during my sojourn whatsoever. becoming conversationally eloquent & realising it's possible with practice to think in spanish (rather than consciously translate back & forth from english). reaching out for opportunities via backdoors whom are strangers in themselves. doing real work working people are hired to do. speaking with strangers, vendors, & powerful people over the phone/in person for the projects i handled. doing both the clearing of modular credits (via spanish summer school) & building my skillset in what i believe is the next big thing (via my internship) all in three months. all this while juggling my romantic relationship concurrently with my career goals. afterall, family & career are both equally important to me & i'll like to think i've duly invested in both.
don't know what the next four months will be like re-adjusting to a new country i don't speak the language of at all, but it's when i feel most uncomfortable that i'm growing the most.
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