some days i feel like i am falling deeper into a rut more than others: the discrepancy between what i had envisaged i would begin achieving here juxtaposed against the reality of circumstantial roadblocks; the copious amounts of free time compared to semesters back home; the pressure to make my semester here count when i know that the tuition fees here are a notch cheaper on paper than back at home & i'm being done a disservice with the automatic school fees transfer system here; the inertia to keep trying when everything just looks so bleak - yes i know i know i know i shouldn't blame my environment & i'll be able to make the most out of whatever little opportunities here if i put my mind to it but how do i get out of this rut i'm feeling??; how hard it is to make authentic friends here as opposed to the wealth of friends i can fall back on back home & have amazing conversations with - not just emotionally uplifting but intellectually as well; i miss feeling intellectually stimulated (& even drained) all the time - how do i deal with the subpar academic courses with hugeass class numbers, (half of my courses having) apathetic and/or arrogant professors constantly disguising their sense of superiority with jokes bordering on crass - who digress their own lesson plans themselves or interrupt students who are trying to express their thoughts with their borderline snarky jokes just to ignite waves after waves of laughter from fellow classmates???? - or even better, ignore their students & leave them feeling completely stupid raising their hands uprightly in class for more than half a minute (& subsequently stifling their voices with the dearth of acknowledgement bc they aren't persistent enough? i would like to believe i am a fighter but now there are days in class where i really do not bother). the lesson plans here are also half-assed bc the profs do not follow closely to the pages they assign - the dates of all my notes are so mismatched bc the notes i take from my readings of that particular day according to the lesson plans are not what is covered during that seminar - but way ahead.
during my semesters back at ync i would curse at the academic rigour of daily 120 page readings in preparation for the next day of classes & continuous back to back class discussions every single lesson but here i feel so starved of quality conversations - of being forced to think on my feet, of feeling like i've been encouraged by my profs to speak up even when i feel my points are lacking, of feeling respected by my professors when i speak up & of feeling validated by my classmates who would bounce off my points & steer the discussion into something value-adding. to be honest i cannot fathom how the quality of education at supposedly one of the topmost tertiary institutions in this country can be so lacking & i feel alittle conned by my expectations of this entire experience almost a month in. i have not even taken into account the biggest part - how hard it has been to be away from the warmth of home & my love, or how they worry for my safety every day bc of the entire nuclear tension issue that has been plaguing the news every two days. i keep coming back to the question if this entire experience is worth it, & i haven't found an answer to that yet.
i started my personal growth journey with new york in the summer of 2016, & learnt that i could thrive in a big, metropolitan city that i speak fluently the language of. in the summer of 2017, i challenged myself to up it a notch - to live alone in a city whose first language was my fourth, & became conversationally eloquent (from a foreigner pov) after a month of assimilating with the spanish people there. i am now on the top rung of my growth ladder - i have settled in to as organic a way of life a foreigner can live here (living off campus in a heartlandish neighbourhood, cooking dinners for myself & going for jogs on the neighbourhood jogging track etc.) & successfully navigated myself alone around a country i (still) do not speak the language of: but why do i still feel so incredibly empty & unfulfilled inside?
but you know what? i'm a fighter. i will search for the beauty of this place, & continue working towards what i desire to accomplish here - anything that will help me continue to grow as an individual, & pave routes into my future.
No comments:
Post a Comment