processing

today vaguely reminds me of that time in 2017 where i had my first taste of how arbitrary and unjust the real world could be and all i could do was to give myself the night to indulge in self-pity before moving on. only this time, the cycle from denial to anger to acceptance has been made easier and silver linings abound in the form of wholesome leadership, solidarity in indignation and consolation flowers delivered to my door step. 

i want to take time to remind myself that the workings of this world are beyond my control - but i do have agency in my response to the world and i should neither deny nor undermine myself of that power. i am still empowered to chase after alternative options and i also have the power to determine whether i'd let this episode cloud my work ethic and values. 

i remember a pivotal moment in 2016 where i was so emotionally spent working with toxic people and bending over backwards to get a particular political conference in order - there was a particular girl on my team of three who was not pulling her weight at all in the lead up to the conference, and who even had the audacity to do a no-show on the actual day when i could have used an extra pair of helping hands. i was pulled on all sides and frustrated to the point of tears. but i remember telling myself that i still had a choice - i could let her trash work ethic affect the way i viewed mine and do a slipshod job just bc she was doing it as well, or i could stay true to my intrinsic values. i made a choice that day - my work ethic is my work ethic and no one will be able to take that away from me. 

why do i do the work that i do, and who is it for? 

circling back to the fundamental purpose that i keep losing sight of - every piece of work is Your work. i am here to do Your work and to do it well, such that people see You when they look at me - they will see Your hand moving in everything that i do and they will know: i am set apart bc i am of You.