by His grace and His grace alone

19th feb 2023: today marks the day of my public declaration of faith & commitment to Him who is omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent - Him who makes my cup overflow irrespective of circumstances. 

this is a copy of my baptism testimony which i read out to an audience of approximately eighty+ people today - sharing it again in hopes that it encourages someone else here who has not heard it: 

    "i accepted Christ in 2011, but by 2016 the novelty of a transformative, conversion prayer had worn off. old friends who knew sophomore year me in 2016 would describe me with the following adjectives: “bold” and “unfettered”. i was extremely purpose-driven - but my purpose was entirely of the world. my main goals were to (1) explore all plausible, desirable partner options within my tiny college population to get out of single-hood and (2) to bolster my resume with extracurricular activities for what I termed as a “big-fish” internship in junior year. on the outside, i looked like i had my act completely together. friends were applauding me for being “mulan”-esque and a complete “go-getter” for boldly going after both of these things. 

but on the inside, i was like scattered sand. i had pushed God to the peripheries because thinking of Him was inconvenient for what i had wanted to achieve in life. inside, i was suffused with a choking bout of numbness i couldn’t quite shake off. as i wrapped my arms around myself and rocked myself to sleep on bad nights, i thought about how nice it would be to have someone physical to hold me. i didn’t want to think of God - my omni-potent and loving Father-in-Heaven, whom i knew (in my head, yes - but not my heart) had the ability to satisfy even the thirstiest of hearts. how could i, when touch was my love language, but i could not touch and be touched by someone who lives in the heavens, the stars, the seas - whose omni-presence was more than i could bear, whose boundlessness i couldn’t kiss nor tangibly feel? and so i lost myself to the shadows of chasing after things i knew wouldn’t satisfy, after sinful pursuits in the name of personal growth, after fallible people like myself, and got disappointed again and again by prospective love interests who couldn’t commit, who didn’t seek after my heart as fervently as i had romantised in my head. i only prayed for the want of things, not for the want of Christ Himself. 

    matthew 6:33: “but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” 

    and one day, i broke. by the end of the year, i had gotten so emotionally spent from chasing after all these worldly things which didn’t satisfy that i literally felt i had a gaping hole in my heart. as the new year fireworks erupted at the close of 2016, i told God that life without Him always seemed better until it became emotionally tiring and utterly empty, and pledged that i wanted to do things together with Him and not in retrospect anymore. in that moment, i pivoted my heart: i was going to seek Him as the End Desire Himself, and no longer as a means to things which i desired. 

    there is so much joy in knowing that one is finally walking right with God. being anchored in Christ means that i no longer have to resort to sinful pursuits to fill me and make me feel whole, because i am already whole and made complete by Him and His work on the cross. putting my trust in Christ means that my cup will always overflow irrespective of circumstances - because He is the abundant fountain of Love who truly satisfies. there is so much freedom in knowing that in our hearts we plan our course, but it is God who establishes our steps. there is so much comfort in knowing that whatever door He opens no one can shut, and whatever door He shuts, no one can open. my purpose in life now is to glorify Him in whichever secular spaces He has placed me in: to be set apart so that people around me might wonder what my secret-sauce is, and come to their own realisation that it is God behind the works. 

    and just to complete the loop: two months after i told God i would pursue Him and Him alone, God placed the love of my life in my path. we are currently married and expecting a new addition to our beautiful family this year." 

it still feels surreal that i finally (after years of sitting on this decision) bit the bullet and did it, but my heart is so, so full - i am so blessed to have had m, both families and even friends from our community group show up and bear witness to this special personal declaration of faith. today also marks the next step of being officially incorporated into the body of christ which m & i both resonate with. i am so thankful that we made that decision to take the first step towards anchoring ourselves in a new church community we can confidently call our own about a year ago. it has been so fulfilling thus far to be able to do life in a way we know honours Him and sets a good foundation for our marriage.