these few days i've been waking up with a sinking feeling in my chest, feeling beaten down by the poor market climate, by the multiple doors slamming in my face, by the voices in my head echoing the world's view that i'm not good enough, not relevant enough, not experienced enough etc.
here comes the feeling i've thought were of days past:
feeling left behind by the world and daunted by the widening gap between where i am and where i want to be professionally.
flashback to the post-jc days where i was swirling yoghurt and cashiering at kinokuniya while my peers were pursuing corporate internships with prestigious organisations; to when i was put on the waitlist for my dream college and didn't know where i'd eventually land up - while my peers were already knee-deep in preparations for their rag & flag performances; to days when i was still single and in pursuit of a romantic partner, but could not find anyone who deemed me worthy enough to commit to.
this season feels like one for the books - another example that i can stash away into my book of "feeling left behind by the world".
i think this is precisely why this season has been difficult for me - it cuts deeply into my greatest insecurity of feeling like i've been left behind, while everyone else seems to be bounding ahead with ease.
but in the midst of being in the thick of this valley, God i hear You - a quiet voice whispering:
'this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from jerusalem to babylon:
build houses and settle down, plant gardens and eat what they produce...also seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which i have carried you into exile. pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper...
when seventy years are completed for babylon, I will come to you and fulfil My good promise to bring you back to this place.
"for I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord, "and i will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you", declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." '
- jeremiah 29:4-14
i may feel like i'm currently circling wastelands, but even in this season You are asking me to settle down, enjoy what i have, seek You earnestly and wait on Your timing.
and in that glorious timing of Yours, You Lord, You will personally escort me back to the desired place of my heart.
so i will wait. as You have always done, i will wait for You to open that one door that no man, thing or circumstance will be able to close. that one door i will wait on, even as all the other doors close shut in my face.
i will plant and eat, and seek both the peace and prosperity of this place of exile. even in this place, You have made me so rich.
You have given me our dearest daughter n, who is the most precious little human being i have ever come across - she is our little bundle of joy who is worth infinitely more than the greatest riches, and whom money cannot buy;
someone i wholly love and trust to journey this valley with, who can take care of both n and i and bear the financial burden of our family alone, should this wintery season extend into the months ahead;
my former bosses and work friends who are rooting for me and finding ways to either advocate for me from their positions of power, or hire me back - the people in this world who can still see my value shining through and constantly remind me of that - despite what the rest of this world tells me - that my skillsets are still relevant, still worthy, and still in demand;
the support of family and friends (close friends, cg mates etc.) outside our little family of three - in the form of words of encouragement, career advice and even working through interview preparation and case studies with me;
enough in my bank account to wait out this season of exile;
and most of all, i still have You - You who goes before me, You - my biggest giant slayer, You - the creator of this universe. You who pulls heavenly strings for me that i need only be still in a season of striving.
i will wait for this season to be yet another testimony towards Your realness and Your goodness. as You have always been.
in the words of a former colleague whom i bumped into yesterday just before my interview: "i'm rooting for you, denise".
even from this place of exile, i still have so many people rooting for me. even when i feel like i don't have much going for me in this one area of my life, i look around and i find - i am still so, so wealthy.
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