fusion

somehow knowing that i am back to the arts route is like balm to my irresolute heart: perhaps all this while i have been staving off the hunger towards this intrinsic predilection & hardening my mind to feast my eyes on alternative distractions - just so that the alternative path would not have hurt so much. i do not regret choosing pragmatism though - opening my eyes to the options available then and making an unwavered decision based on practicality, which was the next best route i could have taken.

even though waiting so earnestly with bated breath was agonising to the point of hot tears, it had sowed in me seeds of groundedness that i had always shunned away from (i think i am almost a different person in that aspect compared to rj days). i am just so thankful that god has given me this opportunity to reconcile both ideals and new-found practicality - this is indeed (in my opinion) the best confluence of both worlds.

nevertheless, it still feels like i am taking a plunge - but what a ride it will be, that i am certain of.

arrival: promised land

today marks the fulfilment of the second clause in His long-standing promise that had seen me through the arduous past year & the wait that had ensued: He has taken me from

"strength to strength, & glory to glory". 

a closing door flung open, a shredded rope hauled to shore. 

this is the ultimatum - the promised land brimming with milk & honey.

wanderer

god just let me settle somewhere i am tired of being neither here nor there

(i've waited for four months for an inconclusive conclusion & i know that i am acting like a child - moses waited for forty years, yes - but i am not moses & i will never be moses / i don't even need the promised land anymore just lead me to green pastures & still waters.)

float

i am in a box with its edges blurred out: traversing through the abstruse, watching the new lend a different dimension to the old, even when they are in essence the same.

one thing i am sure for now: i am carving in stone, not casting in stone.

read it

feeling relatively misunderstood & inane & chafed to the brink so read this if you do not understand how this psyche of mine works, bc this is so spot on (despite the dubious looking link, i promise):

http://hipsterinfj.tumblr.com/post/10500211264/bears-repeating-how-to-understand-an-infj

wondering if i form my personality type or if it forms me 

personality types

since i am in the season of exploring the relationships i hitherto have with people (bc uni is coming up & i am thrilled to expand my circle of friends - i think perhaps the extroverted element in me is finally fighting back) but it always comes back one full circle i.e. to myself, i have been reading up so much on anything that has to do with mbti personality types - particularly those revolving around my designated personality type, in order to find out more about myself which i have never been quite able to frame into words. for the most part, they are uncannily accurate that i almost feel like they have been crafted using myself as the prototype??

since i am kinda in a writing rut & my brain is spewing incoherence from sheer lassitude (i actually have an epiphany regarding personality types but i'm sure that if i try to explain it now it will come out as garbage bc my eyelids are so heavy), this is myself in thirteen bullet points:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/koty-neelis/2014/08/13-signs-youre-a-classic-infj/

(also, pretty bummed out that i'm not getting into lolita (yet) as much as i had envisaged/would have liked to)

promised land

where is the promised land? 

i have been imagining two diametrically opposed scenarios at once & i feel alittle like a faux version of moses who pretends he hears god but everything is too abstruse to be definitive & perhaps he has mixed up his impression of the promised land & maybe there is no godliness in his heart, no desire for glorification but only avarice for the coveted milk & honey (sidenote: i laughed even in my seriousness at that ref). if only i could know what was on god's heart for me now call me impatient but i feel like this wait is expending my self-established armistice bc i recall how hard it was but i gritted my teeth & hardened my heart on an alternative decision so there could be some closure - maybe finality will come tomorrow but for tonight -

i really wish i could have my cake & eat it - for once. the ultimatum may perhaps not be the ultimatum anymore but i still want it, even if it means experiencing a dilemma like never before. 

(even the rays of the setting evening sun are relentless & scorching in an indoor bus interchange. if nature is already harsh & fighting till its last breath, i can only envisage the harshness of a wrong decision in the real world. either way, it will be both a blessing & a curse.)