one day this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy & what i've been led to believe about myself will cement into a cold, brick wall- apathy & malaise sealed into its heart

before that happens, break down the foundations of this wall at its core

let Your love arrest me instead:
redeem me from thoughts that only threaten to drown me in this sea of inexorable sadness

drawing parallels & seeking

i think i am getting increasingly enthralled by my lit book even though it may come off as dry & unpalatable

crude epiphanies that are askew but real- relentless cold buckets of iced water slapping one's face awake

scales ripped from one's eyes when one realises that what had been deemed as obsolete- a closed-minded society regulated by societal conventions, a society where judgement was so prevalent and executed mercilessly when one failed to conform to what was "normal"- is still existent, right before one's eyes

what had "come to pass" has obstinately chose to stay, faded into the background & taken on the role of an invisible hand- buried under the choice to believe every single trace has been eradicated - that we are liberated

one particular dialogue in the novel struck a chord in me: 

"does no one want to hear the truth here, mr archer? the real loneliness is living among all these kind people who only ask one to pretend!" (ellen olenska, AOI)

it is so easy to scorn the animated antics of the characters in the book until you realise you are actually no better than them- carnal, fallible, governed by worldly thoughts 

i used to dismiss archer as overly romanticised- too romanticised for his own good, old new york as extremely hypocritical & sickening: before i drew parallels between archer & myself & the anatomy of the society then and society now 

(i really need to stop drowning in my own romanticised ideals- there is something so alluring with dwelling in things that will never come to fruition, because of the warped kind of safety unreality brings) 

i also realised that as humans, we inevitably become a hypocrite in one way or another, even if it's for just a fleeting moment- there is no running away, even if those thoughts have never escaped one's lips

(who are we then, to condemn those who are more blatantly...hypocritical than us?)

this makes me realise how lacking i am, and how much i need Your purity in my life. let me not stray from Your Rock, and let me seek You first in everything that i do. i do not want to be like a pharisee, doing works to gain man's recognition and praise. please, never let me use You as a means to any end, but be an end in Yourself

i need to be a better human- more of You and less of me, because the best of me can never compare to the least of You 

sovereign

if this place of imminent struggle is where You ordain me to be, grant me the grace to struggle freely, to struggle with the knowledge that Your hands are over & underneath- reigning sovereign & ready to cushion any fall

if You should lead me to a place of internal chaos & malaise, arrest me with the heart knowledge that Your love is more than able to fix any brokenness that is to come

shepherd

"for He is our god, & we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand" -psalm 95:7

(imprint this in the deepest crevice of your heart)

do not waver

i think i'm past the stage of "safety" & this scares me

i need to stop putting myself in such a vulnerable position

because if this keeps up one day i'll wake up & realise that my heart has exploded like confetti

help, is there any way to lock this pulsating muscle away in a casket- it has a mind of its own

jesus please be the only one who has lordship over my heart- You and no one else

surrender

fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear Christ fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear fear

above all help me to say in my heart that Your will be done 

who do i say You are? 

i say You are my Saviour, my Strength, my Provider, my Guide & my Peace- 

& that is enough to drown a sea of doubt, fear & butterflies in my stomach 

where You take me i will follow 

i surrender 

// today was a relatively good day // 

a list of things

a list of things on my mind right now:

1) you relent to impulses too easy (it's 12:17 & no prizes for guessing who has given in to penning down her thoughts instead of catching up on sleep- so hard to decide which is the better friend)

2) note to self: stop falling in love with ideas before you get crushed- warped like the mangled, carnal carcass of a twisted owl

3) again: please stop falling in love with ideas and things that are not yours & will never be

4) i know this is wrong & i should not even be thinking about this but let's be friends?

5) i must be going mad this is so unlike me

6) lord please guard my heart, please

7) Your will above all

8) lord i don't want You to be another idea that i will fall in love with- i want to fall in love with You- Your core, Your soul, Your grace, everything that is so real, it is like flesh

9) short library exploring with chloe made my day- so many books i want to read, but so many constraints: they have waited to be discovered until their pages are jaundiced & brittle with isolation

10) finally meeting with one in a mil tomorrow

11) it is so hard to do something right because we are all so vested & blinded by our self-interests-i don't blame anyone for it, but i still want to make a difference (it is so hard to be reckless) (sigh)

12) perhaps the reason why we dislike a certain group of people is because they remind us of a carnal portion of ourselves that not only repulses us, but forces us to obliterate every trace of it in the name of self-defense

13) i never carry out any grand schemes that i cook up in my head because they always lose their novelty & i am too lazy to remember them


14) denise, how are you going to wake up tomorrow?

15) i cannot decide if this is a passively i.e "you" or actively addressed & acknowledged i.e "i" list to myself so i am going to leave it as it is, goodnight