just a passing feeling but still

have this burning desire to walk around the campus at night & dive into a really deep conversation with someone (just anyone who will be able to connect on the same emotional level as mine) from this college specifically but i realised with a dull ache in my heart that there is truly no one whom i feel will get me at the crux of this inanity that is driving me insane bc i cannot put a finger to what i am feeling or why i should be feeling this way. i think i am at this point where my threshold for flippant relationships has been maxed out - what is the use of saying hi to everyone everywhere when at times like this i cannot even count on one hand people whom i'll be able to share such thoughts with?? also, i am feeling rather disappointed that presupposed anchors feel like they are merely flotsam at sea - which leaves me with such an acute loneliness bc beyond all that daylight chatter, who can i really count on?? maybe this is part & parcel of transition & settling down but the interim period i.e. here & now feels like crap & i merely have words & the xx for company.

i know this cloud will pass me by when day breaks but now i am still under its cover & i am soaked to the bone.

edit/ 3:05 a.m: so thankful for old friends beyond these immediate walls who uplift me with their company

coexistence

social interactions are so inexhaustibly exhausting but i think i am slowly forming a vague idea about what this place is about - the overarching college tagline that encompasses the essence of coexistence i.e. asia & the world is starting to strike a parallel with my new found propensity for coexistence within my psyche itself. my domineering introversion can now invite its extroverted counterpart for (what now almost feels like) cohabitation.

4.8.15, 9 a.m. / 2h boat ride in laos 

(i wrote:)

"foliage. the smiles of the local community at the passing boat which houses this bunch of rowdy college teens. me. recharging. more foliage. the way the roots are anchored to the bottom of the river bed - some shrubs fully submerged & some rearing what little token of resistance, of a fight to breathe above the murky mekong. the breeze - the cool of the wind glazing over my face & ruffling through my hair. the smiths in the background. excess exuberance. vociferous people. not me. the abandoned sampan. the useless tire dangling from the boat - either rendered completely invalid or extremely relevant i.e. man overboard. the inner quiet & invincibility rising from my chest. 

how this all feels so familiar, like the dawn of j1 in my secret garden at rj, resting on the peripheries. i may be in a different environment, with completely different people, but i am still the same. even the gap of years are futile in reforming where my psyche gravitates towards.

breathe soul, breathe, as you take in a drag of solitude, & the indescribably, satisfactory feeling of pen on paper, of alienating yourself (by choice) from the heart of social interaction." 

+ 

9.8.15, 12.30 a.m. / post-social night

is college opening this pair of latent eyes or lending me a pair of new ones? last night feels almost unreal bc it was truly my virgin experience of going to the zenith of social activity i.e. an in-house mixer - something i had prided myself on being absolutely apathetic about/had vehemently set in my heart not to participate during jc/post-as bc i truly saw no point in establishing flippant relationships hovering on the edge of drunkenness/warm bodies clumping together in reckless abandonment to really loud house music. & the twist is that i truly enjoyed it. i surprise myself by admitting that i really enjoyed dancing with new friends under the slight influence of an induced high from alcohol (note: i was still extremely sober despite the high bc self-protection is still extremely prized in my dictionary) with flashing lights that reduced visibility to near zero bc it was just so blinding. there was something about giving myself up to the beats (& beats are rly my thing) - the communion-like feeling of being whole with a crowd (i have almost always felt alone in a crowd, so this was truly a first in a long, long while.) yet, what i simultaneously loved about it was (& is still) how consent was still ultimately mine to give, that as opposed to oppressive peer pressure, i could still be truly proud of personal decisions that might have been contrary to what was popular/normalised in this budding culture i.e. not to swear/smoke/get drunk (present tense still applies).  

jc me would have scoffed at college me & perhaps even moralised about the danger of being compromised esp since alcohol is infamous for clouding judgement etc but college me attributes this to necessary growth that is more akin to the real world than excessive sheltering. 

juggling personal christian values & standing firm in them while simultaneously exploring the world beyond my shell; finding that times for quietness & times for expending my social battery may not be mutually exclusive -

there is a point for convergence, for coexistence. 

~ drifting ~

i feel unsafe precisely bc this is such a safe community
(bc the word 'safe' is so subjective & bc i cannot help but sit on the fence)

(perhaps this is what growth feels like & i'll need larger pants)

fusion

somehow knowing that i am back to the arts route is like balm to my irresolute heart: perhaps all this while i have been staving off the hunger towards this intrinsic predilection & hardening my mind to feast my eyes on alternative distractions - just so that the alternative path would not have hurt so much. i do not regret choosing pragmatism though - opening my eyes to the options available then and making an unwavered decision based on practicality, which was the next best route i could have taken.

even though waiting so earnestly with bated breath was agonising to the point of hot tears, it had sowed in me seeds of groundedness that i had always shunned away from (i think i am almost a different person in that aspect compared to rj days). i am just so thankful that god has given me this opportunity to reconcile both ideals and new-found practicality - this is indeed (in my opinion) the best confluence of both worlds.

nevertheless, it still feels like i am taking a plunge - but what a ride it will be, that i am certain of.

arrival: promised land

today marks the fulfilment of the second clause in His long-standing promise that had seen me through the arduous past year & the wait that had ensued: He has taken me from

"strength to strength, & glory to glory". 

a closing door flung open, a shredded rope hauled to shore. 

this is the ultimatum - the promised land brimming with milk & honey.

wanderer

god just let me settle somewhere i am tired of being neither here nor there

(i've waited for four months for an inconclusive conclusion & i know that i am acting like a child - moses waited for forty years, yes - but i am not moses & i will never be moses / i don't even need the promised land anymore just lead me to green pastures & still waters.)

float

i am in a box with its edges blurred out: traversing through the abstruse, watching the new lend a different dimension to the old, even when they are in essence the same.

one thing i am sure for now: i am carving in stone, not casting in stone.