expression

just returned from tbg 2016 and i am still reeling from the immense, ineffable feeling of how important art is: how important context is; how important culture is; how important finding a medium of expression that feels so you is; how it is really these little things that keep us sane & alive - dancing vicariously through the international/local acts today made me realise how i've not been pursuing the things that light me up on the inside enough; how it has been such a long time since i have felt like i really pushed myself to the limits in expressing myself - i've been so dormant & so cautious in pursuing these things that i love that i've forgotten how much they actually mean to me.

expression - the word that encapsulates this season i am in. 

proverbs 4:23

'calcify, calcify, calcify', all the while the voices in my head rang, 'one more is bonus but without is also fine'.

the first track on my sound cloud playlist in sync with the thud of each foot placed forward on the treadmill - 'expression': how apt a name for the first track (first now & then) i had turned to as an assertion of independence & found to be more than sufficient - to still feel so characterised that if i have to be a track this is definitely it. the mirror is so fittingly placed. you are beautiful. you are attractive. you are a strong, independent entity. you are complete - in Him, yes you are complete. what a cathartic moment it is, feeling the fatigue - of the moment, of the physical, psychological & emotional evaporate with the steam of invincibility rising again from within, emerging; pushing through; triumphing, to feel its manifestation in the lightness of steps with my gaze transfixed all the while ahead. i am flying in tune with 'expression' - i am the expression.

i am human, with the capacity to love but more often than not enamoured with the idea of love. i don't want a golden calf, a mere object i channel and pin all my affections on. i don't want any objects of worship, for the sake of having something to worship.

i will be the walls of jericho, broken asunder by the will of god alone.

snow white

suddenly dawned on me why i have always disliked snow white so much - she is the diametrically opposing archetype of girl goal mulan, the ultimate projection of weakness and idiocy i.e. she pines for a prince from the opening of the classic, puts her entire faith in a bunch of dwarfs she has never met before, is absolutely dependent on (& hence vulnerable to) the kindness of people around her, never attempts to carve out anything on her own accord & is ultimately poisoned by a shiny apple bc she never learns how to say no / has completely no sense of discernment wrt people -

some days i feel like mulan but the reason why i hate snow white with such a vengeance is bc i've realised on days like these, i feel just like snow white - wrapped under my covers in inertia, tired from trying to be mulan all the time.

edit 23:03: had rly good chai, found my nail color that just screams !! denise !!, just stumbled upon some rly feel good indie music & my room smells like a honeysuckle bouquet thanks to my illuminated candle - i am ready to be mulan again (after all, mulan saved china before she found shang)

Your praise will ever be on my lips

truly, what would i do without the knowledge that You are sovereign above all, and will never withhold Your blessings from Your beloved children.

what would i do if i didn't have You, in times of utter despondency or when faced with the crumbling walls of a faux & self-perpetuated optimism. 

what would i do without praise as my sole anthem & weapon, in times of wretchedness? 

i cannot fathom. 

self pep-talk

i will find beauty & inspiration in everything around me. i will proclaim the goodness of god over my life every day. i will tell the good stories. i will stave off any forms of negativity that seeps & plagues & aches in crevices inside the psyche but never value-adds & instead destroys & cremates. i will live with conviction that i am meant for great things. i will smile with my eyes & laugh with my heart. i will stand firm & learn how to say no, even if it means something inside me wavers & dies a little inside. i will be first independent, before anything or anyone else. i will be bold in chasing the things i believe i deserve. above all, i will put myself on the trajectory for continuous improvement - to never stop working on myself; to never stop learning; to never stop feeling good about personal progress, & to continue doing things which make me brim with happiness.

eighteen of my favourite feelings part ii

recess week is finally here & i now have time on my hands so here is the continuation of the next six:

7.  finally nailing something rly difficult

the eureka moment when light tears through the cloak of clouds fogging up my brain & the formless figures suddenly reorganise & shape themselves into something coherent i.e. how i had felt the night before last thursday's qr exam - finally understanding how to enact functional commands on rstudio past midnight (thanks dave if you ever see this). more than that, it is the immense relief emanating from the clenched fist uncurling in my chest & the sinking pit in my stomach evaporating into thin air - the prospect of finally getting a good night's sleep. this is also (usually) a prelude to point two, which calls for a combo.

8. when i am so genuinely, incandescently happy that i just cannot help smiling at everyone & everything

the rare feeling of having my cup overflow: exuding happiness in its unadulterated & most distilled form that i cannot help but smile; to feel my heart beating in my chest with such an invigorating vengeance to live despite the bad; to mouth a quick prayer to god telling Him that i am so thankful to be alive.

everyday i pray to god for little pockets of happiness and sometimes i get more than my lot.

9.  immersing & consequently losing myself in a good book

feeling so at one with the words & characters that i feel i can almost reach out into the pages & hug them: to momentarily forget & transcend the now in the present for the now in then, to feel so understood by someone - even if that person is fictional, for once in a really long time.

“i believe in fiction and the power of stories because that way we speak in tongues. we are not silenced. all of us, when in deep trauma, find we hesitate, we stammer; there are long pauses in our speech. the thing is stuck. we get our language back through the languages of others. we can turn to the poem. we can open the book. somebody has been there for us and deep-dived the words.” (p. 9, why be happy when you could be normal - j.w.) 

one of my most favourite quotes ever

10. surrounding myself with people who are on the same frequency as me i.e. -100 humour

i think life is already hard as it is & laughter should thus be purely recreational & instinctive: mindless laughing at idiotic things is my favourite - if you tell me a joke/point something stupid out to me & i start squatting in the middle of the road that we're walking on, gasping for air (bc i am laughing too hard), you will have succeeded in making me truly happy momentarily.

i rmb once (during the post-As mbs stay with my fav rg people), jal & i both spotted an avocado lying in the middle of the supermarket looking so pitiful & misplaced that we just could not stop laughing / or how i nearly suffocated from laughing when they proceeded to discreetly situate a bag of rocky mountain marshmallows near my face such that i almost face-fived it when i turned around, just bc i had mentioned the night before that i was sleeping on marshmallow cushions i.e. ultra soft mbs cushions). these little things sound so stupid when verbalised in words, but my humour is unabashedly negative hundred (aggravated by how visual a person i am - my imagination just goes crazy on the inside)

11. surrounding myself with like-minded people

i read somewhere in a thought catalog article about extroverted introverts having days when they feel like talking to everyone & days when they do not want to be contacted at all. on days reflecting the former clause, i really love the feeling of surrounding myself with people who have similar perspectives/ideals/humor/beauty&fashion tastes/interests/inclinations/passions/work-ethic etc. as i do bc time spent together usually culminates in high-quality spontaneity & bouncing off each other's ideas i.e. content creation?? in this day & age where it is so easy to feel lonely in a crowd, feeling at one with people reminds me how human interactions can actually bring a lot of good.

13. long & tight hugs with people whom i reciprocally love (keyword: reciprocal)

i never realised touch is my greatest love language (even surpassing quality time which is quite a feat if you know me well enough) until i found out last semester, when it gradually dawned on me the value of physical touch in instantaneously bridging the figurative distances between two people - regardless of romantic/platonic status. (i'm referring to small gestures rather than ... the kind of gooey, inextricable, slimy version of touch). this came even as a surprise to me bc i don't come off as a very touchy person at all but i guess it works conversely for me: i am highly selective precisely bc physical touch is so precious to me.

as such, i love the feeling when physical touch & quality time converges in the form of long & tight hugs (also backhugs !!!!) - they instantly warm my heart & make me feel so loved & full of love.

& who, afterall, doesn't want to feel loved?

my take on independence & love

january has been quite a ride -

in this season i am convinced that god is teaching me how to be truly independent: in rj days i had prided myself on my independence & ability to be stoic to everyone - especially people who didn't carry the guts to break down my social walls (i realise that most of the time i do reward bravery). i didn't have anyone special bc there was hardly any real loneliness - or perhaps it was bc my sole priority was to get my grades in order. i was the less obnoxious version of vivie warren, the perceived "new woman" in no need of any men. in retrospect, that was such an idealistic & faux version of independence bc how could i have called it real independence when nothing could have moved me except my idealised, romanticised version of what i had thought comprised love? it was independence that was not tried nor shaken. 

now that i am here in the now & having to reconcile my notion of independence with that inclination to be cared for by someone (esp in times of acute loneliness that was & still is a package deal of college freshman life), of having to pick up the pieces of finding & losing, i am discovering that true independence is made up of feeling assured of my self worth on good days while simultaneously juggling the dull ache of loneliness & need for company on bad days, of turning that occasional sinking feeling at the prospect of having no chest to lie on into fulfilment through working on myself - working on my skill sets, my health, my fitness, my confidence etc. independence is about making the best out of what i currently have on my own so that i will be ready when the time comes. this independence is about co-existence: accepting that yes indeed i do need someone in my life who can treat a lady right but also simultaneously standing my ground that (regardless) i will be strong for myself & pull my own weight. i think i should start espousing the beauty of strength & its convergence with vulnerability (instead of the beauty of vulnerability alone) - the vulnerability to accept the fact that to feel loved at one point in life is necessary but also the strength to push on with or without love. 

i don't know how my post escalated to something so personal but it has been quite an emotional weekend & having to say good bye to my best guy friend who has been such a pillar of support in my college life hasn't been easy & it triggered a lot of thinking of what independence truly means to me. i will be fine - as i was running on the treadmill at the gym just now & looking at myself in the mirror with fatm in my ears, i started affirming in my head every single good thing about myself as an entity & there came a rising feeling in my chest that whispered how this (if kept up) will be more than enough fuel for me to run on.