-

~ 2am feels but good voices really do get to me ~ (somehow it seemed improper to announce this on a blatant social media platform like twitter so i am at my public refuge once again) (also, a not-so tacit admission that it has always been my little dream to sing tgt with a special someone in the future, & perhaps this is the year to start keeping my eyes peeled) 

remembering faithfulness

a rare, late night solitary worship with songs that had tided me through the arduous 2k14, songs that had reminded me then to look up from my own limited hands. 

it is as if i have been transported back into that specific period of time: bethel tunes softly emanating from the bedside speaker; the dim glow from the lamp illuminating the room & consequently dispelling the shroud of morning darkness; the occasional, solemn declarations against engulfing spasms of fear. they bring me back to the posture of absolute surrender that i have already forgotten - 4.45 am moments reserved for remembering the One who always went (& will always go) ahead of me (before burying myself in dreadful, last-minute memorisation tasks of notes that i had hitherto not even looked through, all the way until breakfast/the ominous journey towards the ish.) 

it is so convenient to forget Your faithfulness, especially when these memories are clouded by the haze of retrospect - but as for tonight/this morning, i will remember still, 

& i will give my thanks. 

all hail jap lit part III

i can hardly contain myself electronically leafing through book despository at nearly 2am in the morning without feeling the urge to add every single jap lit book that i don't own to my cart; maybe it is the night that makes me incredibly sentimental all over again but my heart is crying out with love for this beautiful, almost incorporeal creature which has impressed itself on my heart more than any guy has (ever) done so in probably my life time. (i think its subtlety is like poison that kills me inside slowly)

chanced upon this quote in my infatuation & the effect on myself was like a single spark on kerosene:

"time is what matters. as time goes by, you & i will be carried inexorably into the mainstream of our period, even though we're unaware of what it is. and later, when they say that young men in the early taisho era thought, dressed, talked in such & such a way, they'll be talking about you & me. we'll all be lumped together....in a few decades, people will see you & the people you despise as one & the same, a single entity."

(spring snow, yukio mishima) 

i am still quite awed at how (specifically) jap lit astutely puts into words vague impressions/thoughts/emotions that i have never found fit to express them through my own medium - for fear that they would be misapprehended // that i would owe these ideas their due justice. it is just so incredibly beautiful?? also, just like how p&p of 2k12 was the object of camaraderie between b.j.& i, jap lit is its successor in sealing this bond of divine friendship that has lasted for over ten + years (& in faith, many more to come). in fact, the memory of our recent walk in the park at dusk with spazzkid's truly in our ears makes me feel warm now as much as it had felt surreal then) 

also, since i am at it, this is my company for the night:

IV from emmuree on 8tracks Radio.

on a sidenote: i may look apathetic about my own racial group in contrast but i promise that i am still trying to give it a chance despite the agony that emanates from the clamor of cny songs blaring from hidden speakers. i have been watching disney's mulan during my free time & i can safely say that it is easily my favourite disney movie, partly bc of the chinese element that renders it unorthodox (from other disney movies). however, i must admit that it is more so bc mulan is such a strong, independent woman & is loved for being one, which i think is really important.

p.s: forgive the abrupt change in font (again), i've tried but it turns out blogger & 8tracks are kind of incompatible tgt 

on leaving

final day at a certain place tomorrow:

i have to leave, i have to leave bc i am feeling out of my skin in a place that was supposed to make me most myself. 

it is absurd to feel afraid of becoming myself - in that place, i morph into a docile, quiet wallflower who is cautiously inching through landmines - apprehensive of treading on people's toes. (i also think i accidentally made an enemy literally treading on one lol) i am so tired of blaming myself for the lack of chemistry between another person & myself; perhaps i am unused to having people loathe me for no apparent reason that it becomes almost unbearable now. this inherent clash between upholding christian values & battling demeaning thoughts packed away in the deep recesses of my head makes me feel so spent after every work day (which is also compounded by the physical lethargy from working long shifts). maybe i am just a mess when i have to deal with unreasonable human interactions - i believe that i am well-equipped to take constructive criticism rather stoically, but irrational ostracism??? not really??

but working here has made one specific thing unequivocal: as much as i dislike moving & change in general, stagnation - its antithetical counterpart, is a greater enemy. i'd always thought that this was only figurative, but it turns out that it is literal as well. i feel like time crawls when i spend every second stationary. it is actually quite amazing that time actually does passes by, bc in retrospect i cannot fathom how harsh it must have been to be trapped in something so relentless as the continuity of (seeming) stasis. 

most of the time, i will myself away, or feel like a part of me is evaporating, effacing into those shelves that surround me. being in that place with almost apathetic people (though there are also people who make me feel like i am myself again - like rlly nice seniors // comrades in almost similar predicaments - though i feel like i am bearing the brunt of all that hostility // h.r // the friendly store director who rmbed i was reading murakami's kafka in the pantry a few days before & casually enquired abt my progress during working hrs a few days after - he even offered to spoil the ending for me lol) makes me feel like my core is being sublimed until all that is left is a physical shell which smiles at (some specific) people who will (always) conveniently stare through me. (sudden epiphany that the people who are cold to me are all those who are in the same position as me but more experienced - now this makes more sense - but seriously, are they afraid that i will steal their ricebowl from them as a temp staff???) (& i always ask myself why do i even try // what the heck is wrong with you people?! manners before seniority?! // *in miranda sing's accent* HATERS BACK OFF !!!  - but it's alright bc i will not be obligated to do things against my will from tmrw night onwards !! heck yes !!!)

i am also slightly angry that this place, which had once been my source of magic, is now ironically the very perpetrator for robbing me of my confidence, but this too shall pass.

so you ask me why i have to leave so soon??? 

p.s excuse the abrupt change in font; will fix that probably tmrw or some other day bc blogger mobile is awfully inconvenient - also need my beauty sleep to be fully armored to deal with people tmrw 

//edit//

i am done with this trepidation & god bless doubly the souls who wished me luck/made my last more favourably memorable  

conserve // preserve // observe

i have so many misplaced emotions pent up in my chest but i just cannot find the right words tonight to string coherent sentences without inadvertently conjuring an impression of myself as a spoilt child who is disillusioned with the world - a child who has yet to put her second foot forth but is already whining about how tough this journey has been. 

(she has dirtied her brand new, sparkling white sneakers when her foot first struck damp earth, subsequently -haplessly- landing in a muddy puddle) 

(perhaps that is just what i am; still a child) 

nevertheless, i will preserve my self-worth, even if it is all that i have left. 

!!! no one can make me feel irrelevant without my consent !!!

ayinukonik: thoughts & feelings

what i have deduced from approximately five days of work thus far:

the bad: 

(i shall start with the bad so that the worth of what's good will be amplified & leave a sweet aftertaste)

i feel poisoned, back at square one with the discrepancy between ideals and whatever that's set before me. this is not working out to be even half the glory of what i'd envisaged and so carefully mapped out in my head.

(a) for one, i feel absolutely hideous in the uniform. most of the time when  (my new friend e, if i am lucky) & i am "uncaged" for our one hour & fifteen minutes respite aka lunch/dinner break, i find myself lowering my head while striding through the crowds - praying that no one will spot me and recognise me from afar, esp if they are not friends but mere acquaintances. i do not need the uniform to fortify the dreary feeling of looking like a midget. as i'd told s & j before, confidence level in uniform has hit an all-time low of negative 20%, thank you v much ______.

(b) feeling (pretty) small in the same physical place which had used to make me feel so invincible & intellectually empowered. i think that the acuteness of this tenable feeling (tenable bc this is what being a solitary newbie at a foreign workplace feels like) will & is slowly thawing off with every working day, but it nevertheless still feels like crap to be fearful of a place which had once brought me so much solace. getting lost then felt like the confluence of wanderlust & camaraderie (with the physical space), but getting lost now (both literally & figuratively) just makes me wanna crawl up into a ball & hide myself from disapproving eyes.

(something visceral tells me that working at a favourite place merely kills its former charm bc you realise that the image projected is called a projection for a reason - but it is too late & i have got to make the best out of it.)

(c) feeling invisible (or wishing that i were invisible, just like "kenji the ghost" - i think he is my new fictional idol in this juncture of my life) for most of the time in the staff pantry. people's happiness is just too loud. the effusive & vociferous laughter which are not mine just makes me want to will myself away bc they make me feel so lonely. (not that i feel close enough to want to join them, or am hankering after their friendship, esp with the inherent old-new staff divide. having said this, i am not taking pity on myself bc self-pity is something i loathe; read on before you jump to conclusions please)


(d) basically i am just disillusioned in general. the charm of the physical place has not altered, but it is knowing the people who run this physical space & seeing through their habits which ruin its incantation-like value. this is a place which sells probably the largest no. of books in the country but it seems like only a small handful of people care about reading. perhaps i am being too harsh & applying the same standards i have on others (which is wrong, i know) but something in me just cannot live well with that. even so, i just want to put a disclaimer out there that the people are not so bad as my words have framed the general impression of them. even within the experienced staff, there is kindness & occasional beauty - that feeling of affirmation or warmth from knowing that they are trying to put me at ease. this makes the bad more forgiving, i guess.

the good:

(a)(i)  feeling absolutely ugly in the uniform with a confidence level hitting negative 20% also means that i feel almost like cinderella spinning into her dazzling blue ball gown (with pixie dust encircling her) whenever i change into own comfortable clothes, & subsequently feel more like me again. working at _____ has shelled my confidence level considerably, but it always comes back in stronger waves whenever labour time expires & time becomes mine again.

(b)(i) while exposure to the behind-the-scenes has nearly killed the allure of this bookstore (what i absolutely love about ______ is the authentic & unconventional japanese feel that it emanates, which runs concurrent with my increasing enchantment with japanese literature), it has also simultaneously made up for that emaciated favourable impression by opening my eyes to the serenity of its closure. getting to see the shutters come down, signalling its closure & still be able to walk within its grounds with hardly a soul in sight is one of the most enthralling feelings ever. this is what i mean by a solitary expedition; this is my favourite version of losing myself, even if it is for a short moment.

(c)(i) learning how to be invincible while invisible is a pretty damn good feeling. choosing solitude by deliberate choice has always made me feel indefeasible, ever since jc days. shoving in my earphones with my favourite soundcloud beats while reading a jap lit novel in the middle of a crowded pantry & subsequently finding myself transported into another realm with its storyline is my way of feeling self-assured again. no one can make me feel irrelevant !!!! no one can relegate me to the peripheries without my consent !!! (i may look pitiful, even pathetic, to the crowd but i am damn sure that i am not & that is what matters.) of course, this only happens when my newbie comrades are not around aka different breaktimes/shifts/workdays.

(d)(i) also, my newbie comrades are really lovely people, even if i don't know them well enough yet. this makes me vow to myself to treat newbies right & well when i get a little more experienced in the future (provided i don't quit lol). i think that there are many learning points from the bad too. the bad makes me remember who is or have been good to me, so that i can reciprocate my goodwill next time when i become a customer again.

(ii) long & tiring working hours just compel me to treasure my off-days & after-working hours fiercely, which is something that i haven't done since a level days. after weeks of floating around feeling like an aimless bum with no prospects, i need to appreciate the fact that there is finally some structure now; afterall, there is good in structure too (even though it may not be what i'd imagined it to be; also i believe that God has placed me here for a reason - my original reason was & is to learn more about the retailing aspect of the publishing industry, but i am still quite certain that He has other plans for me to grow me here too - afterall this job is a result of nearly three weeks of almost idle waiting & fervent prayers for His favour. maybe learning to love is one? it is so hard to suppress the rising feeling of indignance at mistreatment // feeling exploited // feeling like someone is not worthy of assuming a haughty presence in front of me & making me feel small just bc of seniority - most of the time i cannot help but find myself thinking that if their physical outlook fails to add value to their overall appeal, then they should all the more use good character to compensate for what they cannot help, which is a really bad thought. yes, maybe learning to love is why i am here.)


(on a completely irrelevant note: if i am definitely not a feminist bc i believe that there are indeed some things that males can do better than their female counterparts e.g physical fitness, for one; yet i still strongly believe in the inherent worth of being a female - which entails feeling empowered, strong, individualistic etc, & also get angered by insensitive comments of males thinking that it is their prerogative to have females serve their needs...what am i really?? a 21st century New Woman ???)