monologue in my head

tuesday night: i allowed myself to lie in the grave of consuming insecurities - soil by soil they were tossed upon me. i could do nothing but lie there as waves of apathy hit me, clung onto me, pulled me, away, out into sea. just consume me, i said, as if i don't already know what you're telling me. all my life i've felt like i've been constantly struggling to keep it all together, as if, as if i was not trying hard enough to make everything work simultaneously. dance? i didn't want to dance. i just wanted to lie there, to sit in the silence, throw my hands into the air & give in to the flow, just for that night. but dance i did, & being around positive people was exactly what i needed to feel like i could rise again.

a little setback is nothing - & i will be able to pick myself up again. if anything i will build my definition of self on being able to rise after the fall - after countless falls.

wednesday night:

the mirror in the gym is my best friend & my battlefield. 

"invest? so much for investing, when sometimes hard work just doesn't pay off."
"the world runs on a wholly different tangent from what you want it to be."
"this is stupid, why am i trying to hard again?"
"the world thinks you have your shit together but you actually don't."
"give it up."

"shut up. you're a fighter. now pick yourself up & fight."

"work. all the more you should work doubly hard." 

"don't let one inconsequential stumbling block get you down."

"failures & feeling like a failure are necessary in life." 

"what's more important is picking yourself up, so stand up now, & now & now"

"you can do this denise, continue to invest, continue to hustle." 

"now who was the one who successfully took on new york alone again?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who successfully made her nyc boss really happy with her work?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who got stranded in hong kong for > three nights, 

but managed to handle everything by herself, just like a true adult?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who was resourceful enough to navigate herself to visit even out of reach tourist places while stranded in hong kong, even without a cell phone connection/data?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who successfully claimed insurance for the 

typhoon episode in hong kong & thus have an additional five hundred in her bank?"

"me!"

"now who will believe in herself bc these experiences just point to how kickass she is?"

"me!"

"now who will continue investing in herself?"

"me!"

came out of the gym with this reverberating line in my head:

"believe in yourself bc no one else would. invest in yourself bc no one else would. sell yourself bc no one else would." 

i am inherently a sloth, but ending the day feeling like i've given my best & sweated out all the 'mopeyness' of life remains one of my most favourite feelings ever.