when times get hard, i take in the scene of what has become my present world - a cheeky grin, two tiny ponytails made out of wisps of hair, the echo of bubbly laughter and the familiar feeling of homecoming as a family of three. i remember that life is so much bigger than work. she reminds me that life is so much bigger than work, or even a career. that a job at the end of the day - however insurmountable its challenges may seem, is just a job.
i have heard from multiple people that it's been incredibly brave of me to pivot into something so aggressive like a hunter tech sales role in this ruthless climate, particularly right after becoming a new mother.
the journey has been rigged with its fair share of challenges and stress - but ironically, it is motherhood that grounds me in the midst of this difficult journey. at my work i am always dispensable. but i am anchored in the fact that i am irreplaceable at home. one of my favourite feelings after a hard day of work is watching n's face light up and hearing the cutest "mama" as i push open the front door. that instantly puts everything into perspective.
the road's been tough bc i am only four months in. the beginning is always tough, but it will get easier with time.
the narratives we tell ourselves are so important in shaping how we perceive and act.
when i feel like giving up is an option, i'll remember that i worked so hard just to be here and have this life that i now live. that there are many others who are working equally hard so that they can have a shot at being in the same position that i now take for granted.
i'll remember that however difficult it's been, i am exactly where i want and need to be. that other paths may seem easier or more lucrative, but those are not paths i would have wanted to be on anyway. i am slowly manifesting the life that constitutes the truest and most beautiful version of this life i want to live.
i love this little family we have created and i feel so blessed to be able to be live out this dream of pursuing my career in tandem with parenthood. the grass is greener where i water it!
(i hope i'll find an answer to whether this career is for me soon, but even if it turns out this isn't what i'm meant to do, i would have lived knowing i gave it a shot and it wasn't for me.)
i'll remember that the Lord is my provider and giant-slayer, and remember why He has opened this door for me in this secular marketplace (to be set apart, like salt and light).
i will say goodbye to the sinking feeling in my chest or the "sunday scaries" from unproductive overthinking.
"just do it" shall be my new professional mantra that i will pursue to block out all the white noise. i am reminded of this quote that has stuck with me since i came across it a few years ago:
“inaction breeds doubt and fear. action breeds confidence and courage. if you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. go out and get busy.” - dale carnegie
i will confront and conquer my fears until i no longer feel fear anymore. and this is perhaps why i am here and what will be my most valuable gain out of this role. it is to conquer everything i've been scared of professionally, until they no longer scare me anymore.
i hope that one day i'll look back at this entry with not a shred of fear left, and pat myself on the back for holding on even when i couldn't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
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