i miss feeling truly alive

i miss solitude, i miss spending quality time with people who know my need for placidness even when i am around them, i miss 2k12 with the bunny roaming around 'm&s' & 'times', or stopping by for cheap ice-cream in marina square after work, or even jip period where i could go off by myself to seek my own quiet spot in the school, untouchable

& watch time elapse as people, languid bodies, drifted fortuitously about, while i sat back to watch them drift from afar - there is a distinct difference in being a spectator instead of a participant

or maybe it's because people can be really tiring to keep up with, especially relationships you would rather not keep

(smarting eyes but praise the lord i am finally done with ihist term assignment + my part of gp proj, i can cry relieved tears in the midst of fatigue & accumulative exasperation) 

(old) photos of the sea never get old

people

“I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them.”

-sylvia plath

it scares me how one can never know how real a person is and i just get so exhausted when dealing with people sometimes i wish i could have more solitude, because at the very least i know that i can trust myself, even if i am existing in another realm of the world: i rather believe in the idea of myself than an idealistic conception of fallible people who are inherently carnal

still struggling to find an anchor point but the moon just gets fuller: the currents get stronger & i can't find anything in me, or in the seaweed-strewn sea to hold on

instead the clammy hands of the weeds estrange me: they choke me & leave me utterly repulsed

nothing keeps me 

(& i cannot help feeling i've been played to subject myself to this predicament, all the 'promises' coined with mere air, the hyperbole of rejoicing: all these empty things which were instrumental in my decision, all these empty things which vanished into nothingness like the substance of their wretched beings, yet this place of struggle is where You ordain me to be- h e l p) 

headfirst

i am like Newland Archer, i fall in love with ideas

i dive headfirst into something without knowing that the ground had always been hard

sometimes i wonder which of my days are not spent enrapturing myself in an artificial construct,
cushioned by my own bubble of unreality that only i have access to

maybe that is why somedays when i wake up,
i still feel queer, the aftermath of reality undealt with:
as if the things that had passed, the things that had been lost,
they had never been gone at all

more than conquerors

i had a pretty blessed day in school today for a first day:

enjoyed a hilarious SEA lecture,

learnt that my rsp scholarship got renewed after they had examined my msp results (hahaha the irony was when results were mentioned) 

surprised dear juey with cake & polaroid with a bunch of (mostly) "strangers",

was wide awake & comprehended econs tutorial, 

got to bond with a few of my dance mates for a brief moment

and am currently listening to hillsong on a (supposedly) work-ladened night

(but am doing everything except work)

i really miss leafing through the great gatsby with a mug of hot tea on a rainy night & feeling truly alive,

or jotting down plath quotes in my "state of new york journal" in fascination of morbid thoughts that others would have shunned away like an imminent plague 

sigh 

but philippians 2:13 has been my victory song 

and i'm a conqueror through christ

reign

save Your people lord, bring them back, bring them back,

before they lose the heart to return

i think i finally understand this song verse "break my heart for what breaks Yours"
my heart is crying for all the lost souls, my heart is crying "come back, come back"
i can only imagine how much harder it is for You lord

i guess it hurts more when they were the ones to guide me back on that straight & narrow road when i faltered, & now i feel so helpless

i have no clue how to
i don't even know if i can, i struggle to take ownership of my own faith myself, who am i to exhort, to champion a revival in these cadaverous souls

i can only pray for Your hand to be upon them,
for the stirring of souls

(i love how listening to hillsong's zion brings so much godly peace into my heart)

went for cell today after so long, i am so glad for a community that treats one as if one has never "left"
this has only convicted my soul to pull away from a life of lukewarm passiveness, but lord let us not be complacent

pretzel & book scavenging with dear joy after cell today, it was good feeling like nothing had changed

purity

been parading around today with a cavern in my psyche

am unsure if it was the cumulative product of self-conflict, or if it seemed abrupt because i hadn't noticed it growing in my lungs

on deciding whether to appeal for isle, i had questioned my agenda for applying for it in the first place,
& i honestly do not know myself if i actually have another agenda buried under wraps that even this heart cannot detect

yes, i wish to serve, but some part of me keeps telling me that i don't deserve to because i am not sincere enough, some part of me keeps whispering that i've only but fallen in love with the idea & not the act itself

i have learnt enough to know that falling in love with ideas is my pitfall

if i am waging an internal war, fighting in a plume of smoke within the recesses of my head
how can they take me seriously if i am not 100% convicted that my motives are pure?

lord cleanse my heart & let everything i do be solely out of glorification
let everything that i do be done in love

turn my eyes to see Your face

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, 

where ever You would call me 

feel like i'm wasting my time away at certain designated, mandatory periods of my life, but You have ordained me in these circumstances, & i can only hope for a change of heart: help me to say with conviction that Your will be done

feeling the pressure of increasing workload burdening my frail shoulders, feeling like i don't have enough time to pursue my interests (extremely sucky timetable at play, for one)-- i can no longer afford plath & fatm nights, but i still want to thank god for the all the lovely, hilarious people in my life who make life more reckless than the box i feel like i am conformed to, & i pray things will stay this way

been studying with cheryl after school for the past few days, somehow the idea of spending prolonged durations of time in school does not repulse me as much as it did last year

hillsong nights are the best, love how they lead me to Peace, but i should be more careful, least they become peace in itself

"but we have treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of god & not of us"
-2 corinthians 8

i miss 2k12 with the bunny, i miss feeling unafraid of falling in love with the idea of morbid things (not at our own expense of course), i miss how we memorised p&p quotes while wiping plates at work 
 rabbit hole & pizza date during march hols please?