languid

it's only january and i already feel so spent

i think j2 takes things to a whole new level: new set of stringent expectations from self on self, keep reminding myself that there is no need to strive because of my identity in christ but sometimes the line blurs between constant self-improvement and an unequivocal lack.

day six // in progress of pulling back those translucent curtains that obscure necessary ugliness  // there is a certain tragic irony when the only way to forget is to remember- to deliberately rub oil on a lacerated wound and remember the reason for eschewal, and to know that this will benefit in the long run - and i take heart in knowing that i am not alone

also keep forgetting to live in the moment in the midst of shuffling from one relentless activity to another, it's like i have to inwardly shout at myself most of the time to stop existing and start living, to appreciate the small beautiful things, to play my favourite tunes from 8tracks/ipod and pretend that i am invincible once again, to remember the things that i love and do them well- the fact that i forget is really telling of how i am merely just drifting.

last day of juggling tutorials with the dreaded sats, it's been exhausting carrying a balancing scale that never reaches an equilibrium on my shoulders

i am pretty messed up for sats & basically everything school related, but i have a Hope
& that Hope is an anchor for my soul

You are enough

my eyes are closing but i feel compelled to pen down these thoughts & internalize them in the process before they drift out of the recesses of my head (prospects that your heart isn't fully convinced about do not wait long to leave) 

1. ideals are shams (wake up sleeper)

2. seek not the product of the maker but the maker Himself: to chase only after the Father's heart 

3. lord, have my heart, have it all 

4. to be stoic to everyone except You

2k14 will be arduous (first week of sch feels like it has already been three terms) but psalm 23 shall be my armour

& nothing formed against me shall stand 

thankful

i had the most splendid two days in a long while


friday: faremel with the cell

the holidays make me inclined to recoil into my comfortable, introspective shell: where all i have to do is crawl back into my own skin. the product of propriety means exercising facial muscles against their will, which can get extremely tiring especially when those very voices are the perpetrator for spinning walls & dull, throbbing headaches. hence, in all honesty, my opinion of "faremel" was relatively far from sanguine- the prospect of having to interact with a big group of people was exhausting in itself, but i am so so glad i went, because i need to remember that this is how love feels like.

spent the afternoon + night with a very spechul bunch of god's people. only limtay would lengthen a bunch of helium balloons till they shot beyond a high ceiling (& seemed to go on for infinity). only limtay would let go that seemingly infinite string of balloons with a straight face while singing frozen's let it go. only limtay would treat a bunch of balloons like they were flying a kite. only limtay would pretend they were shooting a vogue photoshoot in the middle of a muddy field with a slight drizzle. only limtay would do whatever they felt like doing at that moment, even if they marred the public's first impression of them. so many things that only limtay would venture to do, so many queer things that make this cell an unorthodox one (in other words, extremely attractive because unconventionality is attractive)

this is why my cell is so spechul: (all photo credits to zann the amazing resident photographer who captured every single light-hearted moment because it's the little things that speak the loudest)

(disclaimer: it's a jacket underneath bcuz santa has a belly)

hpbd hunz

(zxnn.weebly.com)

interacting was tiring, but what pulled at my heartstrings was that almost everyone was as tired as i was at the end of the day - that even though we are seemingly unique in so many different ways, (most of us) felt the same things & could empathise with one another on something so subjective as personality types. it is always a warm feeling to be able to understand without trying.

ohana: so thankful

today:

chinese combined christmas service today has reminded me how meaningful chinese worship songs are - when english words have been overused until they are spent, trying to describe god's love in another language becomes rather novel

brought sh for service today & it is one of the things i am thankful for,
for more reasons than one

today also reminded me of fop'11- 6.8.11 which was the watershed moment of my life

在那黑暗中与祢同行

让我纪念祢的恩典

impressions

light dances on those translucent, white curtains-

there is something so magical about these curtains.

they are unmitigated & astoundingly pure;

i marvel

at the way they are pervious to the wind 

and let her mould them into corporeal forms.

because they look so happy, 

my heart sings along with every ephemeral change

i know their ultimate purpose is to conceal,

but with every strand of consciousness,

i still choose to believe in what i see-

the contrary will be too wrenching.

with doggedness, i pursue the view before me

i have only enough strength to continue forth.

i know one day i'll have to stop,

draw these curtains back

and face the ugliness of a world stripped bare of ideals.

but i am intransigent; 

or rather, i am too weak, & this is my mechanism of displaying strength.

//

a list of things/impressions of my week thus far:

1. monday was wonderful: finally caught up with j after a long, long time. went back to the place we spent the "zenith" of our nov-dec holidays at, and it felt like time-travelling because everything seemed virtually unmitigated by time- the christmas decorations were similar & even the layout of the temporary stalls in the center of the mall were uncanny. was predicatably hit by a wave of nostalgia, because everything seemed so imperfectly perfect then when in retrospect. beef pie & hot chocolate in buck's classy christmas paper cup, mandatory m&s & times visit-- these are the little things that i will remember.ended off the evening with a tour of the school & taking extremely professional pair-fies (instead of selfies), especially the ones with the legendary sir. s. raf who was of course, in marble.

2. snd workday on tuesday was extremely blessed. we were all so spent by the end of it but learning all four dances (technically three because one belonged to our group) in the darkening amphi & panicking half-way through almost every dance with the music because of a forgotten step or two made the experience really enjoyable :-) learning & singing the batch'14 song as a "sample size for the j1s next year" reminded me so much of orientation & why i am so blessed to be part of this (new) journey. ended the day with comm dinner at j8's rooftop, which ended with a bang because of charades where (mainly) the girls went mad while the guys sat and laughed at us. some instinct tells me that these are the things that will comprise "nostalgia" in time to come. 

3.vacillation between reading, sleeping & studying for sats on wednesday before math, & a deepening impression that vociferous boys cook up a racket in a supposedly placid place so that you will notice them, but it often backfires because 1. noise is a mega turn-off, and associating oneself with a turn-off inevitably makes one one too 2. personally, i'll be more likely to notice quiet people 3. swearing right in front of me thinking it makes one look like a badass...i'll reserve my comments. 

4.finally finished murakami's norwegian wood today & i came to a self-drawn conclusion that i shall be avoiding murakami books for awhile. in the novels that i've read by him thus far, i've often been struck by the fluidity of his words & how he uses them (not even bombastic words but somewhat simplistic ones) with dexterity to create impressions that i've always lacked words to express myself, but through his books i've found myself falling prey to something. the way he normalises issues that are perhaps acceptable in japan are sort of a taboo not only in this society, but in the Word that i've been called to (try) to live by. everytime i am reading a murakami novel, i begin to find myself accepting these standards that are inherently warped (to me at least), and it's only when i contextualise them that i realise that they are anomalous in the form of a vice. i need to stop before the lines between the kingdom of the god and the world blur into one.

5. i also think that i need to stop drifting between "neither here nor there" and start living. 

reticence

   .

what made me feel incandescently happy & invincible throughout the night 

1.the fault in our stars (troye sivan) 

2. soldier on (the temper trap)

3. box of stones (benjamin francis leftwich)

4. calender girl (stars)

5. this place is a shelter (olafur arnalds) 

6. falling in love at a coffee shop (landon pigg)

7. 3 rounds & a sound (blind pilot) 

8. holly home rd (brolly)

9. vultures (folly & the hunter) 

10. rabbit heart (florence & the machine)

11. there is a light that never goes out (the smiths)

12. stop this train (john mayer) 

13. belong (cary brothers) 

14. the suite (downton abbey)

15. what it is (kodaline)

16. a pound of flesh (radical face)

17. medicine (daughter) 

18. dead hearts (stars) 

19. what the water gave me (florence & the machine) 

20. hold still (sleeping at last) 

beginning of an end

i don't know how to put this into words because even though words are beautiful, reticence can supersede in the absence of words

for once this really feels highly personal & i am not going to dwelve into the specifics because i don't think i've felt this way before in a long time: when everything is so apt and the heart feels so much conviction of the Savior's love, but at the same time, the soul feels so stoic and the magnitude of the revelation is not being translated into the orthodox intangible, ineffable wave of emotions 

to sum it up, i got prayed for by a leader i'd never seen before after answering the call (which even though i was afraid, i felt so compelled to answer), & he prayed over three aspects of my life that i'd been struggling with for the past few weeks 

& even though my soul still feels stagnated, i know that something has been stirred, and this is just the start to the end of struggling,

because "it is finished". 

late night decision

i will not, not because i can't, but because "anomalousness" is priced far above anything else, & i have decided that i will not compromise my stature as "denise" to gratify my ideals- i will not risk cheapening myself, i will not reduce my worth to be merely a name on a list. i do not want to become merely "another" person, as if i am a repetition of someone else.

i am neither needy nor desperate, and something in me feels compelled to shout that to the world, to ears merely closed off to what they wish to hear. i am merely a victim of ideas. even now, part of me screams that i am over-thinking and over-reacting, that it is nice to be vulnerable in such a way, that to be vulnerable is to be beautiful. but no, not in this way, not when you strip the only protective layer of "fun" to discover that what's left is merely to be classified, like a common specimen that cannot stand alone but must belong to a bigger group. 

no, i want people to remember me as the girl who is always different. i want people to be able to say, "oh, that denise? well she's not like the rest". i want the boy from the future who is going to form my future to be able to love these parts of me without trying, and i am determined not to settle for anything less. 

the heart and brain being two different organs are difficult to reconcile, but i hope they will do so soon.