to give in to the flow

zhuangzi was right - the world is far too vast & too complex to be weighed down by the concretisation of things that cannot be concretised by & into mere labels. i could never understand how his life philosophy could be a perpetual whirlwind of abstrusity when i first entered college but now i think i know better & gradually understand; as i find myself growing & exposing myself to the obscurities in the world in thought & action do i realise there is indeed no manichean world, only the shelteredness of a bubble-like environment intending to deceive you into thinking there exists one ruled by labels & structures, to trick you into conforming to the falsity of absolute morality & order.

jesus teaches us to condemn the sin & not the sinner: in the same vein, it is possible to feel for the action but not for the person. it is possible to not feel & feel all at once. it is the other half of the feeling that twenty is prime. it is also possible to deceive your heart into thinking it is a momentarily a fireplace - loneliness makes it all possible, but i will not damn loneliness to the depths of hell bc it teaches me things about myself that i have hitherto not known. i am just thankful for communication & a truck ton of honesty, with myself, & with the people around me.

i am a complex being - paradoxical, confused, a language person, a visual person, a touch person - amongst many others that i may not have found words for. but i am so human, & for that i am thankful.

winter break

make plans, concretise, do something - if only to feel better, to feel more alive. just don't stay idle & let your thoughts roam free to disempowering places. be your own rice.

on the emptiness of touch

i close my eyes
& all i can see,
in the sea of blackness,
of nothingness -
emptiness from touch belonging to a time
already parted from the world that is
again
solely mine.
all i can see is
the fusion of two lips
filling the crevices of each other perfectly;
from afar we would have looked
too close, too connected - unreal.
doesn't matter who,
just the what -
just the sensation of
"all things mellow in the mind".

--

even now i miss -
roll out the carpet to fill the gaping hole
in my chest, for want
of returning to the sensation of
being held
from the back,
just like twin foetuses in bed,
your hand in mine,
the other engulfing my waist,
dreaming together;
but whose hand doesn't matter,
it could be yours, or yours.
what matters is the tightness of its grip in mine -
the sensation of finally someone not letting go.
fleeting, yes, but let me dream -
even if it is merely
until daylight.

on ending the semester

looking back after every semester over the past three semesters of college thus far i've always been in awe of how i've emerged - stronger, alittle wiser, alittle bolder, alittle clearer about how i've come to understand myself, & how writing about it has never failed to reconstruct abstruse thoughts into more concrete like structures, & how certain old habits still die hard - my fondness for lowercases & my adamant dislike for punctuations bc they break the fluidity of the streams of consciousness in my head such that separating thoughts into sentences would render them inorganic -

but this semester had been particularly trying - emotionally, academically & even interpersonally - having to deal with loss, mourning, the fierce rigour of concussing with the sciences (which i'd hitherto eschewed from the moment i could), toxic people, inertia, failure (or feeling like a failure, feeling like i was holding up the ceiling & it was finally crashing), traversing through grey spaces, facing my fears - 

i think in this semester i've lost count of how many times i had gotten so angry with myself for being such a paradoxical character - confusing myself (& confusing others ??) bc i could never find a solution to reconciling both dichotomic strands of myself; deciding in the end that i'll go with the flow & go ahead until it stops feeling right - how do i reconcile my inclination towards structure with a simultaneous desire to grow & abandon myself into free-falling - to try new things & to live, live & live in the moment without letting sense & sensibility kill every attempt at giving myself up to the feeling that 20 is prime, that being in the prime years of my life gives me free lease to do whatever the hell i want, to experience whatever i can get my hands on & to never stop growing, to try a myriad of things so that i'll make more informed choices in the future, even if it means listening to the freudian voices in my head as long as they still feel somewhat right - 

this semester i've learnt to speak up in class alittle more, to believe in my abilities (even though half the time i still feel like an imposter with nothing substantial to offer to the world), to stop crippling myself with expectations (in all plausible aspects) - to try, give it my all & let it rest at that - sometimes people (including profs.) like what you have to offer & some don't, & sometimes you win but other times you lose - i am here to receive an education & it is invariably for me, not to cripple me by restricting how i experiment with my words, thoughts or ideas - & definitely my perceived self-worth i.e. the entire grades = self-worth battle we all go through. 

i've learnt that nothing is static - certainly not i: every semester i find myself alittle more liberal than i had been the previous semester; my thoughts & conception of what remains acceptable & not have constantly evolved & expanded & i'm thankful for old friends who see that side of me & still embrace me for who i am & have become. i am constantly pushing boundaries (these structures) within me (in more ways than one) & realising that it is indeed increasingly possible to separate the emotional from the physical (even though touch is my ultimate love language), or to let live in the moment without defining which stage of life i'm at. i guess you could say i am happy with where i am, even though where i am will definitely keep changing, like everything around me. 

i've learnt that touch is an incredibly dangerous love language to have - do i harbour fondness for the person who gives me the hugs & cuddles i pine for, who can hold me when i am in need of someone to hold etc., or for the sensation of feeling like i am loved & valued? through the various suite parties i've been to i've realised that even with alcohol i am still cognizant of my surroundings (albeit incredibly tired) - i know what i am doing, but experience my threshold for what's acceptable & not lowering by a gaping notch (as celine explained to me last night with her ubc knowledge: alcohol lowers inhibitions more than it lowers sobriety i.e. we may still be sober but find unacceptable ways of behaviours increasingly acceptable bc we are gradually doing away with the societal constraints we put upon ourselves to act with propriety). i end up hugging & holding hands with platonic guy buddies a lot when we're dancing - & the fact that i remember all these after waking up from a whirlwind night is just indicative of how i've never been completely drunk before. but i guess that will be the way i express love & friendship to people i care about in a world void of societal constraints, & i am not abashed to admit this, even though i definitely don't come across as a touchy person (touch is an important love language to me precisely bc i don't go around hugging people i am not familiar with? but if i like you as a friend i'll probably wrap my arms around your neck if you're a straight female (bc backhugs! r! the! best!) - i wish i could do it with male buddies too but i guess i wouldn't want to send the wrong signals so i'll only do it when i'm terribly inebriated perhaps).  

i've learnt that kindness is probably the most important trait i am looking for in a prospective partner - i've overlooked it for so long but through & through i've realised it's the subtle trait that determines if something feels right or not. i believe the marker of a right relationship should be feeling like the other person brings out the best in me - that is: making me think of god (whom i also tend to forget very easily) - to be able to talk about god as a friend & to be able to joke about our relationship with god without taking offence; of being a kinder person, especially towards my family whom we all tend to show our nastiest side towards (which is why i absolutely hate it when people throw around the word 'family' so easily - no, if we meet just once a week we are not a family, if we are a community of individuals who don't really know each other we are also not a family - family's only family if you are completely yourself around them i.e. the way you talk to your parents after a terrible day at school, or when your hormone levels are sky-high wonky bc you are on your period etc.), and making me feel most myself i.e. when i can express my opinions freely without feeling like i'm being slighted, when i don't feel like i have to pander to anything to make you like me, when i can show you my quirks & laugh about it without feeling i have to be ashamed about it. kindness seems to be the basis of love - it's so important that someone is genuinely kind bc it really shapes the way they see the world, and the way they treat people, including strangers. on an abrupt & alternate note: i've also learnt that even after things are done & dusted that there will always be something special about the first of experiences. 

i've learnt that it is a blessing to be able to come home to something - that material riches are ultimately still secondary to the way i feel so loved when my mum brisk-walks out of her room when i come home, or when my dad calls me his "lucky star" & "dear girl". money is important but marx frames it well when he says it should merely be a means to an end. in the end, love is still what grounds me & fills me up inside. 

& finally, of the little things: i've learnt that when i listen to certain tracks they unlock a hidden part in my soul that drives the way i feel, love & act; & how music is a social activity - it really strengthens friendships, which i am so thankful for. i've learnt that the gym is my battlefield where i will ultimately emerge victorious - i guess you could say it's second to only jesus, whenever i feel like i flop or a blob i'll pray and/or go for a workout & then feel like i can do life again. i've learnt that my favourite view in college is overlooking the saga towers from the elm courtyard at night after a good workout session & cigs after sex/bublé/oh wonder in my ears - there is just something about seeing the community & physical space i live in light up / the stillness of the night juxtaposed against the bright lights emanating from rooms with people still awake at 12 midnight, & the moon (bc penprase & bc i've never looked at the moon in the same way ever since) (i gym at such an odd hour bc i love to end my day feeling like i've invested in myself through & through). i've learnt that supper is still my favourite meal & happiness is as simple as nissin's tomyum cup noodles past midnight. i've learnt that suite parties are the best kind of parties bc it is the only time i can reconnect with my ultra busy friends and/or finally make friends with acquaintances i keep seeing around school. i've learnt that four shots in under fifteen minutes will make me throw up, but through that i've also learnt that friends who let you lean on them (literally)/ feed you water when the sleepy drunk you is on the verge of making a bed out of the floor/ pull your hair out of the sink when you're throwing up/ see you back to your suite & even cycle you back when the distance is a ten minute walk within the campus / clean up your unceremonious puke on their floor without annoyance at its inconvenience or disgust - they are all keepers. i've learnt that (perhaps) i can actually do (basic) astrophysics (& now i also know what exoplanets are & how they work, which i am quite proud of). i've also learnt that i am perhaps a more determined person than how i perceive myself to be. i've also learnt that it is possible to cram 23 topics into two days if i put my mind into it (& camp at the library from morning to the wee hours of the next morning). i've also learnt that in a warped way i can now appreciate examinations for forcing me to go through content i'd otherwise be too lazy to absorb. i think i really appreciate the half-&-half emphasis on both papers & exams - i was lucky this semester to have only two finals, out of four. it's a good balance between learning how to think for myself & mastering content i.e. feeling like i've walked away from an entire semester with concrete knowledge & definitions. in a way it is a microcosm of the paradox inherent in me - the strife between needing structure & freedom simultaneously. 

it's funny how it's so human to complain when the going gets tough but having conquered the semester: at exactly the halfway mark i will still proclaim deep down that this place feels so right. 

monologue in my head

tuesday night: i allowed myself to lie in the grave of consuming insecurities - soil by soil they were tossed upon me. i could do nothing but lie there as waves of apathy hit me, clung onto me, pulled me, away, out into sea. just consume me, i said, as if i don't already know what you're telling me. all my life i've felt like i've been constantly struggling to keep it all together, as if, as if i was not trying hard enough to make everything work simultaneously. dance? i didn't want to dance. i just wanted to lie there, to sit in the silence, throw my hands into the air & give in to the flow, just for that night. but dance i did, & being around positive people was exactly what i needed to feel like i could rise again.

a little setback is nothing - & i will be able to pick myself up again. if anything i will build my definition of self on being able to rise after the fall - after countless falls.

wednesday night:

the mirror in the gym is my best friend & my battlefield. 

"invest? so much for investing, when sometimes hard work just doesn't pay off."
"the world runs on a wholly different tangent from what you want it to be."
"this is stupid, why am i trying to hard again?"
"the world thinks you have your shit together but you actually don't."
"give it up."

"shut up. you're a fighter. now pick yourself up & fight."

"work. all the more you should work doubly hard." 

"don't let one inconsequential stumbling block get you down."

"failures & feeling like a failure are necessary in life." 

"what's more important is picking yourself up, so stand up now, & now & now"

"you can do this denise, continue to invest, continue to hustle." 

"now who was the one who successfully took on new york alone again?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who successfully made her nyc boss really happy with her work?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who got stranded in hong kong for > three nights, 

but managed to handle everything by herself, just like a true adult?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who was resourceful enough to navigate herself to visit even out of reach tourist places while stranded in hong kong, even without a cell phone connection/data?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who successfully claimed insurance for the 

typhoon episode in hong kong & thus have an additional five hundred in her bank?"

"me!"

"now who will believe in herself bc these experiences just point to how kickass she is?"

"me!"

"now who will continue investing in herself?"

"me!"

came out of the gym with this reverberating line in my head:

"believe in yourself bc no one else would. invest in yourself bc no one else would. sell yourself bc no one else would." 

i am inherently a sloth, but ending the day feeling like i've given my best & sweated out all the 'mopeyness' of life remains one of my most favourite feelings ever. 

flux

this makes me feel like i'm in a flux, a good kind of flux

想通了

just returned from the gym after a two week long hiatus bc the past two weeks have been (i think) the craziest academic season i've experienced thus far from this college & i have missed this feeling so much - tucked in bed after a hot shower with sore limbs knowing that i have ended my day investing in myself through & through - health, beauty, confidence etc.

i am slowly owning my name & making it mine: 凯励 - the former a character for victory (& glory); the latter for hard work. i know good names are given in hopes of becoming prophetic destinies, but to think it encapsulates perfectly my mindset for this season of my life. i will constantly strive towards victory, with nothing but pure, unadulterated hard work. i am twenty, & twenty is prime. 

walking back from the gym, my heart could do nothing else but soar from its chest. i have a far from perfect life, but life now (i can't speak for the future but at this very moment) feels so, so right, & i am content. i have a loving family, & parents who look forward to my homecoming every weekend / i have mended the relationships i thought i was ready to give up - & if one day (god forbid) i ever lost the chance to, i know i wouldn't beat myself up over being too petty, or too naive to think that life is predictable & people live forever. death is a sobering thought, & it teaches me & the people it leaves behind how to carpe diem the shit out of life / i survived writing a full-blown chemistry lab report involving something as complex as nmr spectroscopy when i hadn't taken chemistry since i was sixteen / i can finally tell you who the heck tocqueville, durkheim or weber are - heck i can even tell you who khaldun is & explicate his philosophy of social organisation, or tell you why marx is actually not as crazy as the future leaders who took & warped his philosophy make him sound. knowledge is such an empowering thing - studying for mst was crap but finally seeing the light span from a tunnel into an entire spectrum remains one of my most favourite feelings ever / i exceeded my laughter quota today: miks came over & we all had such a great laugh as old friends; charis' shoulder is still as sturdy as ever for an exhausted me (who ran from classes to classes/work for seven consecutive hours) to lean on, & soh has been over so many times she already feels like an honorary member of our college / i had a good workout at the gym / i am independent, with nothing to weigh me down, i am free to fly & do as i please, i am free to be myself, free from having to curate my actions for the sake of someone else, or make myself any lesser, or pin the way i perceive myself on a counterpart

 - there are so many little things to be thankful for. 

if busyness has taught me one thing it's that i get stupid thoughts in my head when i am idle. decided to take on the final project before calling it quits, & i can foresee how much busier i'll become but i am actually beyond hyped to put myself out there again, even if it inevitably entails feeling out of my element again. feel the need to scream this out but !! how liberating it is to no longer give a damn about something so inconsequential like blue ticks that used to peeve the crap out of me !! or whether my messages are being reciprocated with equal intensity !! how liberating it is to be freed from pining itself, even though half the time i could never put a finger to what i was pining for. a hand to hold? the prized sensation of two separate lips fusing into one? i don't know. i was constantly finding an idol to pin all my lost affections on, but of course idols never satisfy. though this is not to discount the quality of the company - they were all good while they lasted, & i am thankful for all of them. they were all nothing, but while they were happening in real-time they made me feel pretty damn alive to be able to feel again. 

interests are fleeting but education leading to self-empowerment is forever. i don't know what took me so long but it's this realisation that education is the only thing that will be unwaveringly for you, in multiple senses of the word. love will come when it comes, & i will wait for it - but i am done pursuing it. 

i know my worth, & i will not let the world determine it on my behalf.