18th may

thank you everyone who made me feel so loved today

listening to the birthday soundtrack bunny j burned as part of my bday present & feeling really blessed in retrospect

got to spend time with different pockets of people who live in special compartments in my heart, who celebrated for & along with me (along with my best friend food of course)

i.e beloved og on thur morning, half of one in a million on fri afternoon, dance batchmates, cellmates & family today

read through all the heartfelt cards & am still feeling really touched: my existence is more tangible than i thought-- maybe i am more than a tourist in the waking world

wrapped up the evening with really good worship & soaked in the love of god in all its glory- a gift in itself

thank you everyone so much

i think i finally feel alive again, even if it's just for today

soul-preservation

exhaustion

it was so acute yesterday evening, then  i really wished i could have obliterated everyone around me with a twitch of an eyelid such that all would be placid and kind again

all those mindless chatter, deliberate yet seemingly fortuitous drifters

a smile to the lips but inside, could anyone tell i was dying,
reeling,
from the sudden epiphany that the arteries of my heart will never be fused with the arteries of any acquaintances in school to create a concoction similar to a magic potion, a potion that is truly alive on its own & stirs with an inexorable rhythm

an acquaintance who will not only fully comprehend but genuinely revel in things people denounce & dismiss

felt so sickened that i felt so lonely standing at the brink of an unfolding new world, being unable to enter because no one knew it existed, because my physical being was compelled to follow the sources of racket instead

thought about how i am not afraid to be alone, but afraid to be lonely

thought about how few people actually know this side of me exists, that the rest are all but a hoax,
a hoax conceived for self-protection that integrated & became a part of me (on the outside at least)

i miss having time alone to myself, quality time not spent fretting on anything but time just spent doing things i like, things that make me feel like i am alive again, things that allow me to fall in love with the idea of doing other things

sought the bunny j out in the midst of all the hullabaloo, glad i did because our nights were made
(reassurance of like-mindedness, reassurance of the need to stay anomalous for the sake of soul-preservation)

one thing i constantly forget:  c a r p e  d i e m

i need to make the most out of what i have

keeping up

the world spins on while i stand in the middle of the hullabaloo

adopting a passive role of watching, of detaching 

& admonishing my wearied soul for being so weak-willed in everything, for liking so many things but being competent at none 

thinking of the future scares me i cannot envisage myself fitting into anywhere

lord grant me courage to face my giants  

thursday was the worst day of the week, nothing colossal went wrong but i just felt like a violated & exposed hermit crab--all i wanted to do was to retrieve into my shell because interacting with people on a daily basis can be so tiring don't you think? 

found myself wishing i could mute every single person whose happiness took the grotesque form of noisy loudness, i really cannot fathom how some people think the way to attract somebody's attention is through making gorilla-like clamors or nonsensical statements that will elicit the phrase "trying too hard" (empty vessels indeed make the most noise)

everyone seems to enjoy mindless chatter and unproductive conversations but maybe it's because i'm anomalous (if i am it's something i will like to pride myself on)

on a bright note, today was pretty blessed

had a swift impromtu meet up session with joy & hannah because of othello tickets

cannot stress my inclination towards impromptu meet ups because spontaneous sessions are borne out of genuine relationships (which makes me miss rabbit hole impromtu dates so much)

(sorry for the incoherent post, my mind is whirling from fatigue)

long day ahead tomorrow, good night, sleep tight
& let god love you tonight xx

// trying to carpe diem my way through every weekday but it's getting really exhausting to keep up //

stagnant

feel like i am not living life to the fullest:

i am neither working hard nor playing hard, i am just drifting in between, missing the feeling of being alive & constantly running back to relish in the momentary remnants of remembrance, yet finding myself incapable of reenacting how it feels to have one's heart singing like a bird, having its first whiff of air outside the enclosure of a cage 

i am doing a little bit of so many things that in the end i don't even know what i am doing

having one of those nights where i wonder what i am actually doing with my life, how my friends are all going to go to wonderful places & i will just be stagnated in one spot, being mediocre, feeling mediocre - aimless, only capable of falling in love with ideas 

i miss the school library but until i finish my lit texts i am not going to set foot into my favourite place (but i really dislike how i regard lit work as secondary, as a "waste" of time in comparison to other more "pertinent" subjects, when the primary purpose of taking lit this year was to prevent such a situation)  

can we all just go back to december 2k12? 

i miss murakami nights, i miss reading classics with stolen hotel tea stash, i miss visiting kino & feeling like a traveller finally going places, i miss going for cheap ice cream with my favourite people, i miss feeling enchanted with joy in m&s/times i miss everything but the only way to go from here is forward

(conquered 2.4 with 1F & had my celebratory glass of apple juice from the fruit stall for accomplishing my goal, perhaps i should really start setting smaller goals for myself-- instead of really hefty ones where i lose heart then end up comparing with people & we all know where it goes from there) 

reticence

the kind of silence i will relish in, is one which permeates with an air of inexorable understanding, despite the lack of utterance

perhaps the lack of words is the crux of comfortable silence: maybe words will never be able to do justice to pensiveness that can only be sent through telepathic brainwaves & retrieved through the wired arteries leading to the heart

// class camp tomorrow, let us all fall in love with the idea of reading 'age of innocence' under a blanket of stars

(my heart sings when i'm around like-minded, unconventional people)

i miss feeling truly alive

i miss solitude, i miss spending quality time with people who know my need for placidness even when i am around them, i miss 2k12 with the bunny roaming around 'm&s' & 'times', or stopping by for cheap ice-cream in marina square after work, or even jip period where i could go off by myself to seek my own quiet spot in the school, untouchable

& watch time elapse as people, languid bodies, drifted fortuitously about, while i sat back to watch them drift from afar - there is a distinct difference in being a spectator instead of a participant

or maybe it's because people can be really tiring to keep up with, especially relationships you would rather not keep

(smarting eyes but praise the lord i am finally done with ihist term assignment + my part of gp proj, i can cry relieved tears in the midst of fatigue & accumulative exasperation) 

(old) photos of the sea never get old

people

“I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them.”

-sylvia plath

it scares me how one can never know how real a person is and i just get so exhausted when dealing with people sometimes i wish i could have more solitude, because at the very least i know that i can trust myself, even if i am existing in another realm of the world: i rather believe in the idea of myself than an idealistic conception of fallible people who are inherently carnal

still struggling to find an anchor point but the moon just gets fuller: the currents get stronger & i can't find anything in me, or in the seaweed-strewn sea to hold on

instead the clammy hands of the weeds estrange me: they choke me & leave me utterly repulsed

nothing keeps me 

(& i cannot help feeling i've been played to subject myself to this predicament, all the 'promises' coined with mere air, the hyperbole of rejoicing: all these empty things which were instrumental in my decision, all these empty things which vanished into nothingness like the substance of their wretched beings, yet this place of struggle is where You ordain me to be- h e l p)