float

i am in a box with its edges blurred out: traversing through the abstruse, watching the new lend a different dimension to the old, even when they are in essence the same.

one thing i am sure for now: i am carving in stone, not casting in stone.

read it

feeling relatively misunderstood & inane & chafed to the brink so read this if you do not understand how this psyche of mine works, bc this is so spot on (despite the dubious looking link, i promise):

http://hipsterinfj.tumblr.com/post/10500211264/bears-repeating-how-to-understand-an-infj

wondering if i form my personality type or if it forms me 

personality types

since i am in the season of exploring the relationships i hitherto have with people (bc uni is coming up & i am thrilled to expand my circle of friends - i think perhaps the extroverted element in me is finally fighting back) but it always comes back one full circle i.e. to myself, i have been reading up so much on anything that has to do with mbti personality types - particularly those revolving around my designated personality type, in order to find out more about myself which i have never been quite able to frame into words. for the most part, they are uncannily accurate that i almost feel like they have been crafted using myself as the prototype??

since i am kinda in a writing rut & my brain is spewing incoherence from sheer lassitude (i actually have an epiphany regarding personality types but i'm sure that if i try to explain it now it will come out as garbage bc my eyelids are so heavy), this is myself in thirteen bullet points:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/koty-neelis/2014/08/13-signs-youre-a-classic-infj/

(also, pretty bummed out that i'm not getting into lolita (yet) as much as i had envisaged/would have liked to)

promised land

where is the promised land? 

i have been imagining two diametrically opposed scenarios at once & i feel alittle like a faux version of moses who pretends he hears god but everything is too abstruse to be definitive & perhaps he has mixed up his impression of the promised land & maybe there is no godliness in his heart, no desire for glorification but only avarice for the coveted milk & honey (sidenote: i laughed even in my seriousness at that ref). if only i could know what was on god's heart for me now call me impatient but i feel like this wait is expending my self-established armistice bc i recall how hard it was but i gritted my teeth & hardened my heart on an alternative decision so there could be some closure - maybe finality will come tomorrow but for tonight -

i really wish i could have my cake & eat it - for once. the ultimatum may perhaps not be the ultimatum anymore but i still want it, even if it means experiencing a dilemma like never before. 

(even the rays of the setting evening sun are relentless & scorching in an indoor bus interchange. if nature is already harsh & fighting till its last breath, i can only envisage the harshness of a wrong decision in the real world. either way, it will be both a blessing & a curse.) 

pragmatism

if i was illusioned and too idealistic for my own good in the past - an obstinate child who had enclosed herself in a temporal, romanticised bubble redolent of personal ideals,
i have woken up.

perhaps i may have fallen prey to society's tyranny over the individual or may simply have undergone a change of heart - either way, only now do i realise that i do not actually love what i like to the extent of being a martyr for it.

chase my dreams? follow my heart? capitalise on my passion(s)? all these are hefty ideals which can only lead to the ultimatum of "all or nothing". i am not prepared to end up with nothing. i simply do not love them that much. yet, this does not discount the pleasure of revelling in these things which i still treasure. they are tools of recreation & i intend to magnify their worth by reserving them for leisure.

(passion absent of opportunities will forever remain as a latent inclination, a throbbing in the heart that yearns for actualisation but is denied of a concrete, corporeal body.)

for once, i think my heart is reconciling with my rational head.
for this i am thankful, thankful that i can perhaps stop waiting so earnestly anymore.

a season of waiting

feels really good to wake up with a heart full of faith, especially after a cloudy night of feverish thoughts which tell me i am not good enough & thus am singled out to wait, once again (as if this is a measure of my worth??? but late night thoughts are often more warped than fresh thoughts which come with the dawn of a new day).

was leafing through my journal just to ascertain how true & good god has been to me - his sheer providence during the madness of a level days & his promises which were prayed over me, time & again. one particular promise (which had been prophesied over me two weeks before the actual a levels) has been the bulwark of my faith:

he will take me from strength to strength & glory to glory (if i believe) 

the former clause of his ultimate promise has already been fulfilled last year,
& i am still awaiting the latter of his ultimate promise, for the ultimatum.

this is no longer just prepping myself for false hope & aggravating the back-breaking fall that may succeed. this is believing that god does not do a work halfway, but sees it to its glorious fulfilment.

(do not tell me not to hope, bc hope is all that i have left before the door really closes)

i can finally feel !!!

have been working for five consecutive days this week & i am tired as heck but surprisingly enjoying the fulfilment of taking better ownership of time - as much as i love to laze around, the sweetness of rest is only truly emphatic with labour (just like the coveted one hr break after 11pm before bedtime, watching mindless yt vids that i absolutely used to treasure last yr). this rings ironically in my own ears (or eyes) but i think work has been slowly extricating my being from a state of stasis & the aforementioned desiccation.

for one, i am less apathetic about life & beginning to feel strongly about things again - which is a really good sign of recovery. happiness is crawling into bed after a long day, languid & aching but snuggled up in my trusty pink blankie, with cushions & the time traveler's wife (which is easing me out of my reading rut !!! finally, after a deadlock preceded by three seemingly promising but disappointing books. i usually try to finish a book as quickly as possible so that i don't seem like such a loser on goodreads - stagnant on a book for weeks; but i am deliberately snailing on this one bc i rly don't want it to end & i am afraid i'll hit a reading wall again). happiness is waking up with the sun while it is still relatively docile & watching its rays filtering into the kitchen gradually; happiness is sizzling my own bacon & cheese on a pan (bc i am not that alien to cooking now i.e. currently learning how to cook !!! which i am so glad i finally am) for breakfast & making my own wrap for lunch - occasionally even throwing in a salad for cleansing even though i know that the thousand island dressing defeats its purpose of existence. happiness is relishing in leisure time rather than deliberately wasting & wishing it away - the precondition of cherishing lies in its scarcity, which i now possess. (lol that oxymoron). happiness is also finding new music to fuel the soul i.e. mansions on the moon - also, is it weird that i use soundcloud as my predominant music channel/to listen to beats/alt music??? 

crude realisation that this post is pretty pointless with stale revelations that i had alrdy known i.e. happiness taking the form of simple things but i am just so happy that i am finally writing & feeling again 

(still waiting for the ultimatum but as each day inches towards that day of knowing my heart increasingly clenches like a fist & sometimes i really just pray to God to let me have my way in this & i pray so hard that this dream of mine is also his & i wonder if i am once again blurring the lines between faith & expectation but God, you know best, you know best)