stop lapsing into drift mode

finally catching a breather after the submission of three consecutive papers but my happiness has been inadvertently dampened by the first post that i saw on fb - a compilation of pictures wrt elderly people looking at their younger selves in the mirror and perhaps it was the confluence of qrion's soothing remixes in the background and the residual sadness i felt after watching jenn's recent ldr video (that made me feel her sense of loneliness) but oh my goodness i was so close to the point of tearing bc i felt such an indescribable sense of loss (for these elderly people, for myself in advance idk). i am probably not doing my emotions justice but what instinctively stabbed me was that one day i will be old and greying and i will look back to this point in my life - college as the apex of my youth and i will regret not living, not capitalising on my youth, not creating enough memories for myself to keep. i will regret merely drifting and not making the best out of what is supposed to be the time of my life. i feel like i am totally taking the learning opportunities i have here for granted - not bothering to read my texts properly on the pretext that i am tired, telling myself that i am tired of reading things that i am not interested to read - but at the same time not bothering to pick up things that i am actually interested to read bc i am just not in an intellectual mood i.e. procrastination (i am almost never in an intellectual mood i realised), telling myself that i am so done with school just bc of those few minuscule back-to-back assignments etc - it is just this sudden realisation that i have been feeding myself negative thoughts without even consciously realising that i am my own poison. i remember saying once that one of my greatest fears was peaking, but will i even be able to say that i have peaked when i am disintegrated by age???

i was honestly more motivated post-as than i am now and it is appalling bc i am supposed to feel passion in this place more than anywhere else. i am now lukewarm towards writing, lukewarm towards dance, lukewarm towards philosophy of the self etc - i rmb sitting in ppt class today struck by the notion of how the soul and body are so disconnected from each other, if you removed my soul and placed it in a glass jar it would just be a formless, incorporeal substance / so what is this face that i have been staring into the mirror everyday does it actually mean anything on its own?? it's just so scary to have to entertain the thought of my face as a mere shell.

i need to turn my habitual  'so done with school' catch phrase into a 'so into school'. i need to completely revolutionise my mindset that college is a finding place, not a drifting space. i need to reignite my passions and turn them into inexhaustible fuel. i need to start living - for the umpteen time and finally start meaning it.

i am where i worked so hard to be - it is time that i start making use of it.

sovereignty

feel like i am regressing into that cycle (once again) of actively seeking an ideal & being crushed in consequence / pinning the incorporeal on a physical vessel like building a temple to house a particular idol which represents a particular ideal, just so that my unfulfilled affection will & can be concentrated or confined to a central place of "worship". 

i am tired of actively seeking & trying to find fulfilment in human relationships when i know that they can never truly satisfy. i am tired of trying and wishing i could be lord over certain aspects of my life which i desire to see positive changes. god, i look up: bc truly, who can compare to You, who moves my heart the way You do? 

Your love is an end in itself - i have wandered enough. lead me beside still waters. 

-

resolutions are so incredibly hard to keep, nor are labels easy to retrieve once they are stamped - especially in times of loneliness and a singular craved presence.

(god forbid that history repeats) 

traversing

i think i am slowly finding myself again. 

(to anyone who will ever read this: on the contrary, i can be pretty good at conversations if we are not talking about how bad the haze is rn/the weather/how college is so tiring etc i.e. frivolous conversation starters. rather, come talk to me about things which matter to you - your feelings/your faith/your fears/your struggles/your passions - i promise that i am much better at these conversations.)

i am bursting with happiness

virgin movie night in the saga courtyard with eyes peeled on "spirited away", coupled with the tremendous joe hisaishi soundtrack and perfect weather - i have always envisaged the epitome of college nightlife as an outdoor night movie screening with people splayed on the grass patch - with juice, popcorn and nachos: tonight was perfect.

i have never felt so incandescently happy for such a long time - i adore how the fond memories associated with "spirited away" i.e. princesses sleepover are converging with newly-made memories of my best night thus far in ync and fusing into one giant bubble of intangible fondness. also, my suitemate just knocked on my door to hand me a packet of cold milo for energy to last through the night (since my best night is ironically characterised by impending deadlines for assignments but heck them for i am so happy) & it really just compounds the feeling of happiness and thankfulness beaming in my heart. this night has been so incredibly blessed with little pockets of happiness and my heart is so, so full. 

(thank You - for my cup overflows)

just a passing feeling but still

have this burning desire to walk around the campus at night & dive into a really deep conversation with someone (just anyone who will be able to connect on the same emotional level as mine) from this college specifically but i realised with a dull ache in my heart that there is truly no one whom i feel will get me at the crux of this inanity that is driving me insane bc i cannot put a finger to what i am feeling or why i should be feeling this way. i think i am at this point where my threshold for flippant relationships has been maxed out - what is the use of saying hi to everyone everywhere when at times like this i cannot even count on one hand people whom i'll be able to share such thoughts with?? also, i am feeling rather disappointed that presupposed anchors feel like they are merely flotsam at sea - which leaves me with such an acute loneliness bc beyond all that daylight chatter, who can i really count on?? maybe this is part & parcel of transition & settling down but the interim period i.e. here & now feels like crap & i merely have words & the xx for company.

i know this cloud will pass me by when day breaks but now i am still under its cover & i am soaked to the bone.

edit/ 3:05 a.m: so thankful for old friends beyond these immediate walls who uplift me with their company

coexistence

social interactions are so inexhaustibly exhausting but i think i am slowly forming a vague idea about what this place is about - the overarching college tagline that encompasses the essence of coexistence i.e. asia & the world is starting to strike a parallel with my new found propensity for coexistence within my psyche itself. my domineering introversion can now invite its extroverted counterpart for (what now almost feels like) cohabitation.

4.8.15, 9 a.m. / 2h boat ride in laos 

(i wrote:)

"foliage. the smiles of the local community at the passing boat which houses this bunch of rowdy college teens. me. recharging. more foliage. the way the roots are anchored to the bottom of the river bed - some shrubs fully submerged & some rearing what little token of resistance, of a fight to breathe above the murky mekong. the breeze - the cool of the wind glazing over my face & ruffling through my hair. the smiths in the background. excess exuberance. vociferous people. not me. the abandoned sampan. the useless tire dangling from the boat - either rendered completely invalid or extremely relevant i.e. man overboard. the inner quiet & invincibility rising from my chest. 

how this all feels so familiar, like the dawn of j1 in my secret garden at rj, resting on the peripheries. i may be in a different environment, with completely different people, but i am still the same. even the gap of years are futile in reforming where my psyche gravitates towards.

breathe soul, breathe, as you take in a drag of solitude, & the indescribably, satisfactory feeling of pen on paper, of alienating yourself (by choice) from the heart of social interaction." 

+ 

9.8.15, 12.30 a.m. / post-social night

is college opening this pair of latent eyes or lending me a pair of new ones? last night feels almost unreal bc it was truly my virgin experience of going to the zenith of social activity i.e. an in-house mixer - something i had prided myself on being absolutely apathetic about/had vehemently set in my heart not to participate during jc/post-as bc i truly saw no point in establishing flippant relationships hovering on the edge of drunkenness/warm bodies clumping together in reckless abandonment to really loud house music. & the twist is that i truly enjoyed it. i surprise myself by admitting that i really enjoyed dancing with new friends under the slight influence of an induced high from alcohol (note: i was still extremely sober despite the high bc self-protection is still extremely prized in my dictionary) with flashing lights that reduced visibility to near zero bc it was just so blinding. there was something about giving myself up to the beats (& beats are rly my thing) - the communion-like feeling of being whole with a crowd (i have almost always felt alone in a crowd, so this was truly a first in a long, long while.) yet, what i simultaneously loved about it was (& is still) how consent was still ultimately mine to give, that as opposed to oppressive peer pressure, i could still be truly proud of personal decisions that might have been contrary to what was popular/normalised in this budding culture i.e. not to swear/smoke/get drunk (present tense still applies).  

jc me would have scoffed at college me & perhaps even moralised about the danger of being compromised esp since alcohol is infamous for clouding judgement etc but college me attributes this to necessary growth that is more akin to the real world than excessive sheltering. 

juggling personal christian values & standing firm in them while simultaneously exploring the world beyond my shell; finding that times for quietness & times for expending my social battery may not be mutually exclusive -

there is a point for convergence, for coexistence.