somersaults in my head

i want to be everything good present and future i want to have it all and it's possible to have your cake and eat it that i think sometimes i feel so stifled by my own expectations of myself no no no don't rest on your laurels god opens doors of opportunities to those who hustle and earn their keep keep growing don't stop all these platitudes "you are first a daughter of god and not your own strife" i know but would being a daughter of god without hard work still be a fulfilling life and an edifying one? go go go you can do this you are kickass and a go-getter as if i wouldn't be me anymore if i stopped my endless pursuit of personal growth no no no don't break down on me you are strong that's who you are -

i think i need a hug?

from seoul: puedo ser feliz

"puedo ser feliz, caminando relajada entre la gente" 

think this line from shakira's "la bicicleta" encapsulates my current psychological state - the feeling of contentment and tranquility while walking in symphony with the crowd on seoul's busy streets, amongst people who hold a completely different passport from me. the feeling that mirrors how i had felt in my solitary walks in new york. in hong kong. in different parts of spain. the feeling that stems from knowing that i had become one and have now surpassed my discomfort. that i have invested duly in myself and am reaping the rewards. that i am one step closer to becoming a more global individual. language is my way to feel connected and to connect with people, and seeing the confluence of different languages familiar to my ear in a seemingly homogenous metropolitan city always feels absolutely magical - as if i got into a time capsule and went back to a moment in my life where i used to be surrounded by that language or culture, the feeling of being in a nice kind of flux. i used to chafe at ync's propensity to keep things "open-ended" - why name a predominantly political major "global affairs", when the introductory course (according to many) does not accurately reflect the bulk of its integrity? i am now beginning to see how this major fits me like a glove - i enjoy politics all the same, but as i keep my eyes peeled for potential capstone ideas, maybe - just maybe, i wouldn't do my capstone on politics per se afterall. everything is political, but with my increasing fascination for products of globalisation - continuously evolving businesses, rapidly changing music juxtaposed against the universality of certain types of tunes and aforementioned observation of languages etc, i think i will find a way to explore this fascination with the mandatory and dreadful capstone looming ahead.

to a large extent i've been disillusioned with korea, but i know this has not been a wasted trip. i am an idealistic realist, and i like seeing the positive side in everything i do. the copious amounts of spare time here has allowed me to invest in things that are important to me - skype conversations with my bae, exploring more opportunities back home, picking up new quantitative skills and building my reserve for rest - which i will definitely need once next year picks up. and of course, getting to know the beauty market here, and honing on my skincare routine. (on my spendthrift habits on skincare: i told bae once before that money is fleeting but face is forever, wouldn't you agree with me?)

approximately three weeks left till i am bound for home and i guess i am just filled with thankfulness. the future ahead looks promising but is still so disconcertingly uncertain. i am content bc i've tried my best though, to reach out and capitalise on opportunities, and i am still preparing myself to be ready for these opportunities when they knock on my door. i hate the absence of clarity, but one thing remains clear for me: all the closed doors in my life led to other better open ones, bc God indeed is the wisest and knows the best for me. i spent a few nights ago just penning down in detail what the lord had done from me every since he gave me a prophetic promise in 2k14 i.e. to take me from "strength to strength and glory to glory". "what others would take ten years, you would take only three". "are you in any leadership roles? because i see you will become a leader one day". leader? me? i had hitherto strayed from any high profile leadership roles in rg and rj bc i just didn't think i had the quality for it. and here it was - a man of God from church was telling me so surely that i was going to be a leader someday, and that i had the quality for it. in retrospect - maybe i was an unpolished diamond then bc i will unabashedly say that my ultimate overarching career goal now is to one day (in the distant future) helm an established mnc. i still don't know how i will get there, but i think i will be able to make it, someday.

the doors that He subsequently opened for me (and of course He did make me wait, through aching hearts and the occasional hot tears) were all in perfect timing. my scholarship application to nac (which i put in the most effort bc i wanted so hard to be a literary editor at that time in my life) was a complete failure (well obviously it failed bc there are obviously so many more people out there who are passionate about the arts scene). while all my friends whom i saw on equal footing got into ync, He made me wait until (literally - i still remember it was 5.55pm when i received the call) the last moment when the waitlist was stipulated to close (and meanwhile, i got rejected for all biz orientation camps i applied for bc ~obviously~ He had already planned for me to get into my current school). my spanish scholarship failed on first try while all my other entry-level spanish classmates that i knew got it (of course it had to fail for me to even get the opportunity to intern in new york city, ~duh~). and of course all the doors He opened for me: getting the spanish scholarship and my rare 2 months !!self-sourced!! stint at sephora for summer this year (won't go into the details but even that was miraculous), along with all the other opportunities and giant-slayers He has placed in my life. how can i not trust Him now? afterall, if i had to codify my life in six mere words, it would be:

work hard and pull heavenly strings.

when i look back at my life - including how i'd met the current love of my life - it was all God working His thing in His perfect timing.

I used to wonder what my calling in life could be - if i had never felt it was my natural inclination to do community service or go on missions to evangelise etc., what could i possibly do for a living that will glorify Him? corporate never seemed like a place where God would have a place in. and it's precisely bc of that i think perhaps if i ever do make it big in the corporate world next time, i would want to use that position to help and mentor people, just like christ would.

versions of myself

to forever be as multi-faceted and vibrant as photographs taken on good and bright days;


to never forget the power of chasing after growth - the way my heart would rise, rise and rise, threatening to burst out of my chest from the sheer joy of knowing that i am becoming a better version of myself with each passing day;


to give constant thanks to my mightiest giant slayer: Him who fiercely fights for me such that i need only to be still, whom i only need to pull heavenly strings to open doors to high places beyond all that i can ask or think;

and to you - to always be patient, loving and kind.

from korea: keeping my head above the water

some days i feel like i am falling deeper into a rut more than others: the discrepancy between what i had envisaged i would begin achieving here juxtaposed against the reality of circumstantial roadblocks; the copious amounts of free time compared to semesters back home; the pressure to make my semester here count when i know that the tuition fees here are a notch cheaper on paper than back at home & i'm being done a disservice with the automatic school fees transfer system here; the inertia to keep trying when everything just looks so bleak - yes i know i know i know i shouldn't blame my environment & i'll be able to make the most out of whatever little opportunities here if i put my mind  to it but how do i get out of this rut i'm feeling??; how hard it is to make authentic friends here as opposed to the wealth of friends i can fall back on back home & have amazing conversations with - not just emotionally uplifting but intellectually as well; i miss feeling intellectually stimulated (& even drained) all the time - how do i deal with the subpar academic courses with hugeass class numbers, (half of my courses having) apathetic and/or arrogant professors constantly disguising their sense of superiority with jokes bordering on crass - who digress their own lesson plans themselves or interrupt students who are trying to express their thoughts with their borderline snarky jokes just to ignite waves after waves of laughter from fellow classmates???? - or even better, ignore their students & leave them feeling completely stupid raising their hands uprightly in class for more than half a minute (& subsequently stifling their voices with the dearth of acknowledgement bc they aren't persistent enough? i would like to believe i am a fighter but now there are days in class where i really do not bother). the lesson plans here are also half-assed bc the profs do not follow closely to the pages they assign - the dates of all my notes are so mismatched bc the notes i take from my readings of that particular day according to the lesson plans are not what is covered during that seminar - but way ahead.

during my semesters back at ync i would curse at the academic rigour of daily 120 page readings in preparation for the next day of classes & continuous back to back class discussions every single lesson but here i feel so starved of quality conversations - of being forced to think on my feet, of feeling like i've been encouraged by my profs to speak up even when i feel my points are lacking, of feeling respected by my professors when i speak up & of feeling validated by my classmates who would bounce off my points & steer the discussion into something value-adding. to be honest i cannot fathom how the quality of education at supposedly one of the topmost tertiary institutions in this country can be so lacking & i feel alittle conned by my expectations of this entire experience almost a month in. i have not even taken into account the biggest part - how hard it has been to be away from the warmth of home & my love, or how they worry for my safety every day bc of the entire nuclear tension issue that has been plaguing the news every two days. i keep coming back to the question if this entire experience is worth it, & i haven't found an answer to that yet.

i started my personal growth journey with new york in the summer of 2016, & learnt that i could thrive in a big, metropolitan city that i speak fluently the language of. in the summer of 2017, i challenged myself to up it a notch - to live alone in a city whose first language was my fourth, & became conversationally eloquent (from a foreigner pov) after a month of assimilating with the spanish people there. i am now on the top rung of my growth ladder - i have settled in to as organic a way of life a foreigner can live here (living off campus in a heartlandish neighbourhood, cooking dinners for myself & going for jogs on the neighbourhood jogging track etc.) & successfully navigated myself alone around a country i (still) do not speak the language of: but why do i still feel so incredibly empty & unfulfilled inside?

but you know what? i'm a fighter. i will search for the beauty of this place, & continue working towards what i desire to accomplish here - anything that will help me continue to grow as an individual, & pave routes into my future.

finally, a break

it's been awhile since i've lit a candle, put on some good o' tunes on my speakers, got myself a glass of choya & wrapped myself under the covers - just to pause & sit in the quietness of the night, to look back at the past few months - remnants of summer 2k17.

two words: thankful & proud.

thankful bc halfway i lost sight of god alittle - one day i awoke forgetting what my new year's resolution even was, when i'd established from the beginning that the crux of this year would be to learn how to walk with god & not in retrospect. there was hardly any linearity in our relationship - a few days to peak & another few days to plateau; coming full circle to first Love, then paying lip service again & inevitably the entire cycle of rinse & repeat. in the eyes of the world, how can binding myself to a Being so seemingly intangible - almost like blind faith, be sexy? or convenient?

in spite of & still, He had & has been faithful.

in my relationships. in panning out my summer plans impeccably. in showing me favour. in blessing me with the camaraderie of new friendships - both abroad & at my short stint at work. in blessing me with wisdom - both godly & secularly. in pointing me towards giant-slayers &/or role models to look towards in my professional life. in grounding my heart to the unchanging anchor - the steadiness that is Him. the word that encapsulates it in mandarin is 踏实. i think that's what god has been for me. where i am & this path that i have treaded thus far - yes indeed i'd worked for them & bloody hard at that, but the final call had always been His. i made my petitions to god & pulled heavenly strings, knowing so steadfastly in my heart the opportunities i were going to get even before i got them. this spanish scholarship. this trip to spain, even when financial difficulties arose (my scholarship money only got credited after my trip). this internship from the moment i reached out via a backdoor that i wasn't even sure was going to work. my upcoming study abroad to korea. doing things with Him meant i knew the places i got put in were & are still divinely ordained. that my personal & professional growth are as important to Him as my spiritual one.

thankful also bc through these past months He has taught me to love like i have never done before. love is patient, love is kind...it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails. cliches will always remain cliches until they are searingly felt by the heart. (we will be more than alright, my love, if we always feast our eyes on Him, alright?) i've learnt it is so pertinent to begin the battle knowing which side you're fighting for. for us. in god. always.

proud bc i know what i want to achieve in life & i've thoroughly invested in myself this summer to be inching closer towards that overarching goal. immersing myself in an organically spanish environment. travelling & living alone once again, this time with no familiar faces during my sojourn whatsoever. becoming conversationally eloquent & realising it's possible with practice to think in spanish (rather than consciously translate back & forth from english). reaching out for opportunities via backdoors whom are strangers in themselves. doing real work working people are hired to do. speaking with strangers, vendors, & powerful people over the phone/in person for the projects i handled. doing both the clearing of modular credits (via spanish summer school) & building my skillset in what i believe is the next big thing (via my internship) all in three months. all this while juggling my romantic relationship concurrently with my career goals. afterall, family & career are both equally important to me & i'll like to think i've duly invested in both.

don't know what the next four months will be like re-adjusting to a new country i don't speak the language of at all, but it's when i feel most uncomfortable that i'm growing the most.

five seconds

today a video autoplayed on my facebook feed and it was about the five second rule to success. it talked about how this woman pulled herself out of her depression from hitting rock bottom by imagining she was a rocket on a five second countdown, ready to be launched out into space by nasa. five seconds were all it took to launch herself out of bed after a prolonged period of languishing into nothingness & self-pity. five seconds were all it took to psych herself into believing in life again, & to push her way through the mud. she mentioned that life is an accumulation of all these small decisions - the decision to get out of bed, to starting a fitness routine, to leaping at opportunities career-wise. the window period to tricking your naysayer brain into discomfort (read: growth) is just five seconds.

i think i really needed this reminder this morning. halfway through this summer i think a small part of me fizzled out. until this evening i was still in a lull. i haven't had a proper break since sem 2 started. nor one when it ended & ushered in summer'17. less than a week after my final papers, i had packed my bags and was on a plane to spain - my first sojourn to europe. what little energy i had left from the sem i spent adjusting: abandoning my first language for my fourth, roaming around alone, making new friends & planning my solo trip to madrid. a month later i flew back, rested for a couple of days before immediately diving into my current internship. i still haven't had a proper, prolonged break. it will be only a week and a half after i end before i'll be on a plane to korea for exchange. four months till i'll have approximately two weeks before junior year sem 2 begins.

& yet it never seems enough to me. i vacillate between feeling proud at my personal growth journey & feeling chafed at myself for not doing enough; i have so much potential left that i know i'm not maxing out, but why is there a part of me that is so lazy & doesn't want to move? it is always a struggle between choosing to step out of what's lull & comfortable into scary things that put me on an edge. some of these are small things - like phone screening prospective intern candidates (bc part of my task is to personally find my replacement before i leave), or reaching out to vendors (software companies) providing the omni channel solutions we need. which intern recruits her own intern replacement???? or directly liaises with some big shot ceo of a saas company to demand for the specifications we need before taking them on as our vendor??? sometimes my work is incredulous & alittle scary, but i always need to remember the five second rule - it takes five seconds to trick your brain into action, before it can realise you are doing something that scares the shit out of you. then you'll no choice but to sit & enjoy the ride.

today i had a girl crush moment i thought i had lost from rg days. few things make me so excited as seeing empowered women in the workplace (whom i look up to) band together to trail blaze a palpable vision. to see your girl goals from different time periods & sources work together in real life is such a surreal feeling, but in retrospect should not be all that surprising. talent attracts talent. birds of a feather indeed flock together. you are who (& become who) you work with. it is so important to have people to dream together with. in a sense i am so thankful we live in an age where i have these women to look up to, & hopefully one day other girls at my age will be looking up to an older version of me in the same way too. i may be still lacking in experience & knowledge in so many ways - it took eight years, or past a decade (or even two, or more) for them to get where they are now. my youth may seem like a curse, but it is my asset. i have at least eight years to get to that stage, & get there i will.

an excerpt

love is patient, love is kind...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails. there was the heart of the common ground we both had lost, but found as we put ourselves secondary to the Anchor we forgot was (and still is) holding us both. & the lord melted our hardened hearts & shifted our focus from "me", to "us". the notion of us. the notion of us i thought i had internalised until it was put through the trial of fire and refined under flame. let us listen, let me listen & cease to speak. we were finally talking with each other.

so this is what it means to love with the Love You have showered onto us. the Love that is not self-seeking, not easily angered, that is patient and kind, that always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. a love so unconditional it keeps no record of wrongs, of who gives more, but brings us both back to first principles, to a place where we were both always giving, always understanding, always praying & always loving (before this label of love made us complacent).

now i understand why i love kissing you so much: it is an exclusive action expressing love, reconciliation and oneness. one of the best moments in life felt like last night, when the storm cleared & we sat beneath a sky exploding into fireworks, just having a sacred, ineffable moment with each other.