♡

Thursday, 6 August 2020

"as a collective" - how i'll remember my first year of work

it's been slightly more than a month since we have "graduated" from our year-long graduate program in the workforce. through and through, i am thankful for growth. growth that comes in spurts - some longer and more tangible than others. even sitting in ambiguity for a protracted period of time was in itself a growth journey - albeit a quieter one. to aptly summarise my journey thus far in the best way i can and know how:

this is the free-verse poem i had crafted on behalf of the eleven of us and verbalised to over fifty colleagues (including bosses from both my department and others) who had turned up for our virtual graduation ceremony last month. am still grateful to have had the opportunity to share a piece of what makes me "me", in what is normally perceived as the cold and hard corporate sector. i can be both - two selves co-existing in one body. i can have my cake and eat it.

the first of july, 2019.

we gathered around the conference table of merlion two

as acquaintances, as new colleagues,

sharing the camaraderie of emerging
from the competition that had annihilated everyone,

but us.

us - twelve minus one.

even from day one, we have been a collective.

many of us had just laboured through college,

eyes fixated on the ultimate reward that was now in our grasp,

but still an obscure concept - this concept called "work".

the rest of us had jumped ship

in hope of greener pastures -

biting the bullet of adjusting to a new environment

despite emptier pockets.

all of us - wide-eyed,

impressionable blank sheets of paper

eager to learn and absorb.

youth is a currency to be spent

while one is young.

we are young.

we were, and still are.

and so, we learn.

we quickly learn that we chafe at achieving for achievement's sake.

certifications are a means to the greater end of learning,

not the end in themselves.

we learn that to go fast is to go alone

but to go far is to go together.

we learn that there is value in pushing back,
in managing expectations
and finding the right time to say no.
we learn the onus of self-enablement
falls squarely on our own shoulders -
there is no longer going to be
periodic examinations or assignments keeping us in check.
along with that came the quiet realisation
that we are now in charge of determining our rest -
out with the academic calendar that determined our summer holidays,
in with the financial calendar that we use to plan around our holidays.
swept in the whirlwind of change as the new constant,
we were forced to adapt to changes quickly - some even
painful changes that hit home.
call us the walking personifications
of pro-sci's "change management" (just kidding).

we learn that we are eleven individuals
gifted with different skill-sets and personalities,
each unique in our own way.
how could we complement one another with our strengths,
to combat our individual weaknesses?
what could we each bring to the table and show up for?
find your niche,
only then the reward will be proportional
to your hard work.
i hope you, the audience, would agree,
that we are all individually known for something.

this journey was not a bed of roses.
coming in without any prior experience was daunting,
and at times even demoralising.
we were building credibility from scratch -
every action we took either a vote towards building our brand
or against it.
and so we had to tread carefully.
how was it possible that we went through
so many hour-long enablement sessions in the beginning,
but the workings of the company still felt like a mystery
existing only in theory, in the fog of the unknown?
our services grad counterparts had it harder -
enablement came with their job,
on the job itself.
out of the blue they found themselves
waist-deep in projects
when they hadn't even learned how to swim yet.

what does good look like for the job,
and by extension, for a grad?
ambiguity, the big word
encapsulating the environment
we found ourselves mired in.
lacking defined expectations of us,
we found ourselves confused -
were we doing well?
or just doing enough to get by?
even when we were told we were doing well,
imposter syndrome always crept in
to steal the limelight of our victories.

our victories.
a year later as we look back we are able to say
with greater clarity:
we are proud of our victories.
gaining client facing experience early in our careers
particularly for many of us fresh out of college,
is a triumph in itself.
the piecemeal knowledge we've gained day by day,
over three hundred and sixty-five days,
empowers us with more confidence in work and customer interactions.
we even surprise ourselves sometimes
with knowledge that we didn't think we had (but do),
or when we're able to deliver on something
that no one expects us to.
but our greatest triumph as a cohort
is that we've stuck true to ourselves, together.
trouble-shooting, laughing, collaborating, eating
even crafting and dancing,
as a collective.

the first of july 2020.

we gather around the virtual table

about to say goodbye
to this year-long journey.

not as colleagues, but as friends -

sharing the camaraderie of journeying through
the highs, lows and everything in the in-between
from our first year of work at salesforce.

even from day one, we have been a collective.

Monday, 20 July 2020

duality of feelings

why do we feel the feelings that we feel?

feelings, a double-edged sword.

the duality of feelings -

in some instances they breathe life,

in others they take away,

coming and going like the tide that ebbs and flows

in tandem with the gravitational pull of the moon.

the duality of feelings -

both a dependable compass and a faulty one:

the uncanniness of feelings having more self-awareness

than i am conscious of.

they are my trusted advisor -

interpreting and making sense

of things happening to me from a third person's perspective,

even before my head can wrap itself around them

and find the appropriate words for.

my feelings are my clearest articulation

of what constitutes a right choice

and conversely a wrong one.

and yet, the irrationality of feelings

also means that subjectivity

becomes weighted on a much heavier scale.

once feelings are involved,

all things bow into the realm of subjectivity -

i become the center of the universe

and the singular point of reference.

a flawed compass guiding me on a terrain
only i can see.

Sunday, 12 July 2020

my thoughts on ge2020

i struggle to find words that aptly encapsulates how i feel - but i resonate so much with this article from rice media that articulates this complexity of emotions i feel, as well as its accompanying aspirations that make my heart swell with patriotic pride.

for so many years i had the personal impression that our government was synonymous with the incumbent party. in my head, it was difficult to tease the party and the government apart, and i admit sheepishly that for the longest time in junior college (the "feeder" of sg politicians - including sg's newest heart throb) i had thought "psc scholar" equated to "pap scholar". i too, had bought the rhetoric that we needed a competent government to rule and prosper, resigned to fate as i explained to any of my international friends interested in sg politics and willing to listen that we - singaporeans, valued economic progress and stability over peripheral matters i.e. having an unadulterated democracy and freedom of speech. i was a global affairs major in college and even based my final-year capstone thesis on investigating corruption's impact on electoral margins of victory in single-party dominant states like sg, but in terms of political engagement i had always looked outwards - big power politics, east asian politics, southeast asian politics - many places elsewhere but home. there was just so much political apathy in the state of sg politics that i accepted things as they were - as inevitable trade-offs for the comfort of a prosperous nation that most of us have the privilege of partaking in. perhaps it was also because until this election i was short of the legal voting age. without some skin in the game, it just felt easier to pass off the opposition scene as dismal and disengage on the pretext of sg lacking credible opposition.

on the 10th of july, i held both my identification card and polling card with my legal name imprinted on it and stood in line at my primary school i.e. my designated polling station - a place so vividly familiar yet distant all at once (so many years had passed, the context had changed but the environment remained strangely unchanged). i couldn't help but feel joyful yet solemn with the weight of this civic responsibility. joyful because it was my first time voting this election, and it was empowering to feel like i was part of a collective that got to decide on the future of singapore's leadership and governance. i was no longer a bystander! my vote was going to be part of the vote count during the announcement of the electoral results later that morning! joyful bc i recognised that the access to universal suffrage is in itself a privilege, and that having a public holiday on general election day to make the act of voting conducive is also a privilege that we should never take for granted. singapore is far from a western democracy and having some sort of political structure and process in place for periodic elections may seem like democratic tokenism, but i am still thankful for these guardrails that protect our universal suffrage. voting is such a sacred act bc it is the vested responsibility conferred from the constitution on a citizen to his/her/their nation: to do it justice, i had to make an informed choice and arrive at a conclusion that only i myself would be accountable for.

this election, i wrestled to come to a decision on which party to cast my vote for. i wrestled bc it was a fight between my values and guiding principles i hold close to my heart, and so arriving at that decision was a highly personal process: being the voice for those who cannot speak for themselves; giving credit where credit is due; valuing kindness above all, separation of the people from the party - like distinguishing between the sin and the sinner ("hate the sin but love the sinner") in the biblical sense; standing up against injustice and any forms of bullying (non-partisan bc values transcend party, creed etc.); rewarding earnestness, grit and intentionality over mere results, valuing substance and credibility in representation etc. but one thing i learnt was to remember that the world is far too complex to be classified into manichean handles. voting did not have to be a dichotomous process where i had to localise and pledge my vote based on the evaluative criteria of a person or the concrete results of any one party. i could desire for the incumbent to remain in power, acknowledge the efforts of their members with gratitude and still vote otherwise. and vice versa. at the end of the day, i voted based on my heart - as i always do in decision-making, and walked out of it feeling like my heart was singing.

i spent friday night and the wee hours of saturday morning shuffling between the living room (where my entire family was up) and the comfort of my ac room snuggled up with bae in bed, keeping our eyes and ears peeled for the keywords "east coast", "west coast", "sengkang", "aljunied", "bukit panjang" and "bukit batok". we eventually went to bed at 5am, my heart brimming with pride and love for my country and her people. watching the election results was cathartic, for lack of a better word. we really showed up as one, and in doing so sent a clear message to the incumbent that they should not rest on their laurels and assume buy-in. the logic is simple - they may be free to make choices on behalf of the nation, but they will have to be answerable at the polls, and a few may be sacrificed in the process. there is a new generation stepping up and that is none other than my generation. a generation that is increasingly educated and becoming more politically engaged. a generation that is unafraid to call a spade a spade and willing to stand up against any forms of bullying. a generation that may seem ungrateful but actually cares about those who fall through the cracks. a generation that can no longer be bought with money, especially in the face of what seems like moral barrenness. a generation that shows up when push comes to shove. a generation that believes in the weighted promises of our national pledge.

Saturday, 13 June 2020

re-pivoting to the "why"

the realisation that work without an overarching perspective (and ~mood~) framing the context of why that work still matters to you on an individual level is mindless work that makes the process of toiling seem harder than the work per se.

when i was a sophomore in college i clearly remember chafing at having to do essays and readings bc i found the entire process pointless on an individual level - so much thought and effort culminating into a pile of essays that would land into the drive folder of one professor, subjected to the solitary judgement of an audience of one, who probably would only remember the brilliant pieces of writing that were not going to be mine. what made me feel alive was doing (what i thought at that point constituted) real work that dealt with the real world - crafting cold emails to people i had never met asking for sponsorship, filtering through the participant (or we called them "delegates") list to ensure all the right information were in place for the printing of delegate name tags meant for an upcoming model united nations conference (that students paid good money for to attend). in the context of college, i revelled in things of the "real world" because it gave me a sense of purpose that my toiling was going somewhere and value-adding to someone out there.

ironically, it takes concerted effort to snap myself out of the monotony of the days folding into themselves after nearly a year of breathing in this "real world". virtual meetings after virtual meetings. google hangouts rage. piling to-do-lists. customer-facing decks to be drafted and presented. the inevitable administrative work that needs to be done to oil this machine. without conscious effort i find myself losing focus, losing purpose.

and now, why do i work?

i work to do the one thing that makes me feel alive - to create.

with my head, my heart and my hands.

in hopes that that creation will be of value to my enterprise customers and colleagues.

note to self:

put on some groovy music, enjoy the process of creating, irrespective of whether its office hours or not. irrespective of whether it feels wrong that you have to be working after working hours on some days to be responsible towards your stakeholders and personal work ethic; to be thankful that it is not the default expectation to do so. you need a serious mindset shift.

as written in your v2mom vision: "to be always value-adding to my customers, lead SMs, account teams and the larger community by bringing to the table a can-do attitude, my point of view on solutions and product knowledge in pardot and marketing cloud."

Wednesday, 10 June 2020

sparking fires on the inside

the silver lining of being home for the most part has been the gift of time to sit with myself and just feel. am still learning the skill of being better at listening to my body and i think the difficulty comes from being accustomed to putting the business and personal work ethic before the self at work - most of the day is spent at work until the lines blur past-working hours, particularly in current times when the physical spaces remain unchanged from dawn till dusk. recently (thanks to a stay-home art kit that my colleagues sent to each of our houses using the company budget) i've started painting again - gradient sunset hues and random shapes in poorly blended colours passing off as "abstract art". i've been so inspired that i even ordered a set of watercolour pencils (the faber castelle ones - set of 36 that would have made tiny me green with envy) and paper so that i can revel in the act of creating. it brings me back to my childhood days where i used to spend all my leisure time on arts & crafts - my favourite books to borrow from the public library were children craft books on how to make a clay bracelet, or a book sleeve from outgrown pants and such. i used to spend so much time with my hands making things from scrap materials - ugly or not, they made me feel really happy as a kid.

being able to spend quality time on self-discovery is a gift because this period serves as a self-affirmation to what i've always known but never really coined into words - i feel alive when i am creating in the form of self-expression. with my head (professionally) - when i am able to create structure out of chaos and sieve ideas into handles, or organise haphazardly placed text into the right boxes or slides that together concisely contribute to a coherent, big-picture storyline. with my heart - when i am creating something out of nothing such as the articulation of an obscure thought or feeling in writing, reflected in the video snippets of life i painstakingly collect and piece together at the end of every year or significant journey, or even in the splash of colours on a page. with my hands and body - in moving my body and getting swept up in the pathos of a sad tune, in the instinctive rapper hands that have a life of their own when i'm in a good mood listening to a badass song, or even in the way i choose to dress and present myself to the world.

it's kind of strange how the traits i had as a kid that i thought i had long grown out of have in fact remained constant - albeit dormant but nevertheless unchanging, only to be amplified once i finally get the chance to sit, look back in retrospect and reflect. "what makes you tick?" is a question mentors in my company like to ask during our career/personal development coaching sessions. beyond the part of me that loves to create, there is also the part of me that loves to articulate - to stand in front of an audience and present with confidence on a prepared topic. i thoroughly enjoyed that moment where i presented in front of the panel of four directors/avps masquerading as customers (realise in retrospect that one of them is my current boss after feb's changes, how time reveals everything in a strange light) during the case presentation i had to go through to earn my current job. i also relished the moment i stood in front of GA faculty and peers to articulate the gist of my capstone which i had a love-hate relationship with - how alive i had felt when i knew i was doing my work justice and when my eyes met with the favourable smiles and nods from both my bae prof and eye-candy (intellectual candy?) prof - that moment still makes me smile and miss college alittle more than i felt it had deserved then. it all connects now: eight year old me stood in front of then-education minister teo chee hean (and distinguished guests consisting of teachers and parents) as one of the four emcees hosting the official opening ceremony of my neighbourhood primary school. twelve year old me stood in front of judges and students alike to articulate my piece of writing that eventually won the first-runners up prize at a national scrabble writing competition. in that same year, three of us impressed the judges with a presentation on climate change (i still remember one of enzo's lines opened with "professor stephen hawkings once said...") of the national sef oratory competition and walked away with gold, despite the fact that no one could remember what our school was called before and after we won. those moments were met with trepidation, yes, but also with fierce pride - the sense that i was living up to my potential, that i was pushing against boundaries and finding them broken by my own (or god's mighty) hand.

i recently bought a kindle and managed to get it reimbursed as part of the quarterly wellness allowance that we get as an employee perk. i've been reading literature books again - for the longest of time i stayed away because they weren't practical and i felt they were not going to get me where i wanted - the ideal job, mindset or growth etc. they are not practical, yes, but i have forgotten how much they make me feel like myself. i finished reading gilead today. i first fell in love with the prose of robinson's housekeeping, and to have experienced that warmth again today via the honey-like balm of words was both cathartic and nostalgic. somehow it brought me back to that particular night in mussoorie in 2015 - the night where my friend bohme and i were walking down the hill back to our himalayan dorm in almost pitch darkness and we were trailing behind the rest of our week 7 crew. i knew then that he used to be a poet before he chose the science track (and eventually computer science), and so i asked him if he wanted to hear my favourite quotes from my favourite book then. he said he would love to. in the darkness while watching our steps as we descended i read snippets of jeanette winterson's writing (from the book why be happy when you could be normal, or was it oranges are not the only fruit?). there was something about the stillness of the night that accentuated the weight of those words hanging midair, but there was so much beauty in that moment that i still vividly remember how that night felt like.

and so in robinson's words (from gilead) i close:

"memory can make a thing seem to have been much more than it was."

“i wish i could leave you certain of the images in my mind, because they are so beautiful that i hate to think they will be extinguished when i am. well, but again, this life has its own mortal loveliness. and memory is not strictly mortal in its nature, either. it is a strange thing, after all, to be able to return to a moment, when it can hardly be said to have any reality at all, even in its passing. a moment is such a slight thing. I mean, that its abiding is a most gracious reprieve.”

[and this is why i create videos]

Sunday, 3 May 2020

my all-time favourite alternate universes

everytime we play "i have never" at group events, there is always one statement that i'll be able to count on to eliminate my opponents by one strike: "i have never enjoyed a single american sitcom". i've come to realise that the only form of streaming entertainment i truly enjoy is the korean drama genre, and for the longest time i did think there was perhaps something wrong with me. the characters in american and even european sitcoms always seemed unrelatable (bc they were more often than not caucasians), while the cultural gap shone through in the way their humour always felt cringe-worthy and contrived. i have never desired to emulate any of their mannerisms or ways of speaking despite the eloquence they have in speaking my first language, and while they often lived in riches i had never desired to emulate their ways of living.

on the other hand, i always find myself unable to exert self-control whenever i'm sucked into the plot of a kdrama. i gave this some thought and finally have an understanding of why i'm naturally averse towards american entertainment and so inclined towards korean ones: kdramas play on my beauty ideals by romanticising life itself, in ways that feel so relatable but are distant in actuality. during the times that i'm devouring the drama i live vicariously through the main characters - putting on the lens of the beautiful female protagonist who will eventually enjoy the company and affection of an equally handsome male protagonist, while being equally mulan-esque in her career. in doing so, she demonstrates that she is already complete in herself and that her partner exists to complement (not complete) her, thus aligning with my personal beliefs of how healthy love should look like. their love for each other is so palpable that it hurts even through the screen, and as their perfectly crafted faces meet and the crevices of their lips fit each other perfectly i cannot help but dream. in the aftermath of the drama i submerge myself in that artificial universe that i know doesn't exist through the osts, pretending that i too exist as they have existed, channeling the persona of my favourite female protagonist until i feel that i too can be like she has been - in style, in love, in beauty and in the mundane day to day living. kdramas romanticise the small things in life to look so beautiful from the outside, making even a bus ride look ineffably poetic. it makes me feel like i could make my life look poetic from the outside too, even if it's just for a moment.

for reference, a list of korean dramas i've watched since post-junior college days:

the moon embracing the sun [2012]
the heirs [2013]
i can hear your voice [2013]
my love from another star [2013/2014]
good doctor [2013]
doctor stranger [2014]
healer [2014]
pinocchio [2014/2015]
she was pretty [2015]
doctors [2016]
w, two worlds [2016]
descendants of the sun [2016]
romantic doctor, teacher kim [2016]
weightlifting fairy kim bok joo [2016/2017]
goblin [2016-2017]
bride of the water god [2017]
fight for my way [2017]
my secret romance [2017]
strong woman do bong soon [2017]
while you were sleeping [2017]
what's wrong with secretary kim [2018]
memories of the alhambra [2018]
melting me softly [2019]
romance is a bonus book [2019]
her private life [2019]
crash landing on you [2019/2020]

in light of the above, i would like to share my top six, all-time favourite universes that i really enjoyed being a part of, alongside my favourite accompanying soundtrack. most of them are also coloured by the hues of my then-reality and therefore clothed with nostalgia i.e. disclaimer: they may not be evaluated based on objective terms. in no particular ranking bc i adored them all:

w: two worlds [2016]

this drama got me into lee jong suk. it was a masterpiece with fantasy, romance and thriller packed into one, with two worlds differentiated so subtly with the use of richer colour hues. i loved this drama so dearly, even though i don't even like thrillers! i have watched perhaps too many lee jong suk dramas, but this couple pairing still remains the best and my favourite. the ost is also one of my all-time favourites.

this drama also means so much to me on a anecdotal level. it represents the first drama bae and i share, even though we had watched it separately. he reminds me of lee jong suk with his iconic eye mole, and he told me once that i had reminded him of han hyo joo when i had my korean bangs (he even made a comparison picture when we were skyping during my semester abroad back when i had those bangs). w makes us feel like we too can have our own world, our own w:

[2017]
"it was our second date at beauty world: i dreamt of your hand brushing against mine - would you reach out for it and clasp it boldly if i left it dangling next to yours? we had korean food for dinner where my bibimbap came without meat (a scam) and you donated me some bulgogi as you cheerily recounted the story of a patient defecating in the corridors of the hospital a few metres away from where you were standing (a reference to a few nights ago during your call when you sent me the image, which i thought was going to be something like a grotesque, dismembered limb, but it turned out to be poop - i remember getting ready for bed but sitting upright instantaneously as we whatsapped back and forth with neither of us going offline for a long, long time, and i felt the faintest inkling of a new relationship brewing; yet a part of me was so afraid to fall & have my feelings toyed with again). our second date made me feel like the protagonist of a korean drama - i could almost imagine this soundtrack [i.e. where are you] playing in the background as we shared a bowl of matcha bingsu in a glasshouse as an imaginary camera rolled on. while parting ways i gave you a hug, which surprised you - who was this liberal girl hugging a new stranger-turned-friend on their second date? as i waited for my bus back to campus, this was the tune that made me feel like i was already tipping over into a new world - our W."
doctors [2016]

this drama holds a special place in my heart bc i watched this while i was alone in new york city in 2016, sharing a room in bushwick with five other female tourists, solo sojourners or whoever who kept coming in and out - mostly strangers. my only private space was the top deck of one of the three double-deckers in the room, and for a whole month i was lucky enough to have met ja-young from seoul who slept below me (who eventually became one of my most treasured companions during my semester abroad alone in seoul circa winter 2017). this drama represented a familiar respite i could come "home" to in a home away from home, while i snuggled in my carved corner of the two-storey airbnb apartment with my favourite blueberry chobani yoghurt. it also gave me the vocabulary i needed to banter with my nyc gym buddy su-hyun, and reminds me of how i'd say "super, 가자!" during grocery runs with him and ja-young. this drama also reminds me of how blissful i had felt - warmed up with a cup of milo, seated on the sofa in the living room of jack and howard's apartment in maryland watching doctors. they were taiwanese phd students living in the states that i had met in the common area of that new york apartment (i was doing some work in the living hall when they came over with two of their friends and made conversation with me. in that night we jammed out to jay chou and they invited me to explore new york with them that weekend before they left the city the day after). before they left they gave me an open invitation to bring me around if i ever visited washington dc, and when i joined vincent on his solo trip to dc, they sweetly allowed me to crash in their living room for a few days - even setting up an inflatable bed so i could be comfortable. this drama reminds me of the conversations i had with howard about taiwanese vs. china politics, and that night when jack sat down on the couch next to my bed before i was about to turn in to have a philosophical conversation about love, and what it means to us as individuals.

this drama also gave me the vocabulary to relate to bae's profession during our first date at star vista, where i excitedly volunteered "oh! i know - you're talking about intubation right?" and he was so surprised and amused. but beyond these personal anecdotes, i really loved the plot of this drama and the palpable chemistry between kim rae won and park shin hye. i personally didn't find the age gap weird bc i know feelings have a mind of their own and i could relate with the student-teacher crush based on personal experience. moreover, the fact of the matter was he waited until they were in a similar stage in life before taking their relationship to a romantic level. and of course, both of them were the best at what they did in their field, which made me feel they were all the more compatible with each other. hye jung was a multi-faceted character - she was demure yet kickass (literally with her fighting scenes), she was kind yet guarded, she was child-like yet highly mature and intelligent. not forgetting, her post-work aesthetics were on a goddess level - her elegance, her outfits, hairstyle and even that minimalistic heart-shaped necklace made me feel a burning desire to channel my inner hye jung in my daily life as i roamed the streets of manhattan.
what's wrong with secretary kim [2018]

disclaimer: i have a soft spot for handsome, charismatic and competent boss characters who seem outwardly aloof but inwardly possess the kindest hearts. another disclaimer: i also have a soft spot for competent female characters with an amazing work ethic, who are gorgeous and have an elegant dressing style. final disclaimer: my favourite plots usually involve both characters actually being best friends or having a special encounter that they remember from childhood. this drama ticked all three boxes. i always channel my inner kim mi soo in her bombshell office wear whenever i'm getting ready for work, just to make myself feel more mulan-esque. more often than not, i always have this drama's ost playing in my airpods just before i tap my access pass into the office - it puts me in a great mood before reality hits.
crash landing on you [2019/2020]

the plot for me was honestly not a favourite, but the two things that rocked me to the core were captain ri's character and the official sound tracks. captain ri is officially my most favourite fictional character ever, and the choice of casting hyun bin as captain ri was perfect. i had a conversation about this with jon on a hot but breezy saturday morning while waiting for milly to arrive for our brunch date, and he mentioned something interesting, something along the lines of "...your boyfriend inspires your ideal korean drama type and that's why you like his character so much, and not the other way around". it's interesting bc it sounds unconventional but to a huge extent it's the truth. before i met my boyfriend i had a very different type i liked (my colleagues still joke that "fucbois" gravitate towards me and vice versa in company social settings - perhaps bc they are fun to talk to in such settings, but difficult to connect with outside of one?) - and when bae came along, he became the first (and probably the reason why my love life finally worked out). after i met him, my ideal type shifted 180 degrees towards what i describe as the "studious, professionally competent but alittle dorky with the opposite gender despite being so genuine at heart" guy persona - someone who i can only describe in words such as 稳重, 踏实 and 好男人. someone who makes me feel grounded and safe. someone who feels like homecoming. captain ri reminds me of bae (!! my captain teo) and that's the reason why i adored his character so much. and not forgetting the ost. what can i say except that it was hauntingly good and so fitting of every scene. an absolute gem.
while you were sleeping [2017]

i watched this during my junior year exchange in seoul. part of the reason why i decided on doing my college semester abroad in south korea was because i had been fed full with ideals about living in korea, only to find myself disillusioned with the reality of the language barrier, acute loneliness, subpar classes and the unbearable cold. this drama holds a special place in my heart bc it reminds me of those nights where i felt less homesick because i had an alternate reality to escape to, one with an impeccable balance of fantasy, wit, humour and romance; one which held my favourite actor that reminded me of bae sitting back home almost 3000 miles away bc of his iconic eye mole; one which reminded me why i came here in the first place. this was also the drama that got me into suzy bae, and when a neighbourhood saloon screwed up my haircut by styling my hair into an uneven and sloping bob, i took comfort in the fact that my hair style now resembled hers in this drama and channeled my inner suzy to still feel beautiful, because she still looked beautiful.
she was pretty [2015]

what i really loved about this drama was how the female protagonist was the true underdog - her transformation reminded me of a similar scene in our times and it was so incredibly satisfying to watch everyone finally come to terms with her innate beauty. the second lead syndrome was so palpable and heart-wrenching, if not for the fact that i had been rooting for the male lead from the onset. i also have a soft spot for park seo jun embodying competent boss personas - the charisma he exudes as a deputy chief editor helming the entire corporation gave me butterflies even as a spectator. the build-up to the climax (i.e. the epiphany the male lead has when he finally realises the person he has loved since childhood has always been in front of him but he was too blind to see) was so wonderfully executed that the catharsis from that release made me ugly cry like an idiot in front of my laptop. the friendship between hye jin and ha-ri was also so humanly beautiful, playing out the intricacies of the struggle between sisterly love versus boy envy. the icing on the cake was the entire ost playlist that still makes me feel like life is and can always be good.