trust

i haven't got an inkling on how i am going to finish all my revision in time for cts & in this race against time, sickness, taking the corporeal form of an ugly, yellow irritant, chooses my body as a host-

i am exasperated
but revival is timeless
Your days are timeless

this is a season of trust, of surrender:
lord i don't want to fall in love with the idea of trusting You

i want to fall in love with You
i want to fall in love with You because i trust You

i feel extremely lukewarm because i missed out on kingdom call, but i believe You are starting a personalized work in me, through circumstances that seem apathetic

in this bleakness i lift everything up into Your hands, i will throw my arms out to the wind, i will allow Your seed of trust to manifest in me

what are cts in the presence of my almighty savior?

perfect love casts out all fear
lead me to the rock that is higher than i am

ideas

malaise: missed out on kingdom call which was a really good opportunity to draw nearer to god, but i am glad that the perpetrator for my absence in camp made up for it to a certain, tangible extent

grew closer to the dance batchies especially in these past few days leading up to gales today, my heart is starting to grow for this bunch of people & i am really glad i went for batch outing today, even though i am reaping the aftermath of a hoarse throat from emptying my lungs out, through a medium we are all admittedly not the best at

there is this warm feeling in my heart that gradually froths & thickens with discovering an acquaintance/acquaintances who are able to understand things that will be frowned upon by others: the best part being in the unlikeliest of places

falling in love with the idea of falling in love

people wish to meet their future soulmates in all sorts of fancy places

me? i wish to meet my future boyfriend in between bookshelves, scouring opposite ends of those metal enclosures, drinking in the smell & essence of new worlds tucked away, only to realise that we are both drinking in the light-headedness of each other. at this, our eyes will meet for a fleeting second before we will bury our heads in the enthralling lure of favourite books again, yet the attractive pull will be irresistible in a non-sensual way, like the moon's. we will sneak peeks at each other & try not to get caught - at the end of it all we will meet at the end of the long shelf. we will muster the courage to exchange book titles, only to discover the books we are armed with are by the same author and/or have the same themes, and this sudden gulp of liberation will ensue. our heads will dance with homely ecstasies & from that moment onwards, we will be an effective pair of explorers, with our hearts as the sole functioning compass 

i really hope i get to experience this in the full-fledged glory of its idealistic form one day, soon enough  

i am too romanticised for my own good

thirteen days to consolidate half a year's worth of learning, let me fall in love with the idea of being a nerd (like a nerdfighter) please

murder of the will

"its snaky acids hiss
it petrifies the will. these are the isolate, slow faults
that kill, that kill, that kill"

(elm, sylvia plath)


tonight is the epitome of a night where i let my giants eat me without flailing nor battling an eyelid

i am too tired to struggle against this stranglehold & i promise it's just for tonight

but

one day this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, one day my fate will be of abysmal darkness- where i will be in the cavern of my giants' stomach pit, digested & ready only to be excreted

where the corporeal form i adopt is something of garbage that society has no need & use of

beauty in vulnerability

there is really so much beauty in vulnerability

there is so much beauty in Surrender

like a flower child standing in the midst of swaying daffodils, 

yielding to the wind, dancing to a song that only her soul is capable of deciphering 

she is not only unafraid of where the wind will carry her, 

nor how this unrelenting draught of moving air will shape the movements of her limbs.

she is acquiescent & the joy arresting her heart cannot be assuaged 

she is a l i v e,

beating fervently, crimson blood in a ceaseless cycle beneath her veins 

// 

service & worship were really blessed in all ways possible 

found out how much i missed basking in His presence,

how i missed feeling the insatiable paling in the glory of the Satisfiable  

thankful that the holidays are here when school was getting unbearable,

& i am not only determined to use the holidays to catch up on work, 

but to pursue happy things that i've been deprived of 

18th may

thank you everyone who made me feel so loved today

listening to the birthday soundtrack bunny j burned as part of my bday present & feeling really blessed in retrospect

got to spend time with different pockets of people who live in special compartments in my heart, who celebrated for & along with me (along with my best friend food of course)

i.e beloved og on thur morning, half of one in a million on fri afternoon, dance batchmates, cellmates & family today

read through all the heartfelt cards & am still feeling really touched: my existence is more tangible than i thought-- maybe i am more than a tourist in the waking world

wrapped up the evening with really good worship & soaked in the love of god in all its glory- a gift in itself

thank you everyone so much

i think i finally feel alive again, even if it's just for today

soul-preservation

exhaustion

it was so acute yesterday evening, then  i really wished i could have obliterated everyone around me with a twitch of an eyelid such that all would be placid and kind again

all those mindless chatter, deliberate yet seemingly fortuitous drifters

a smile to the lips but inside, could anyone tell i was dying,
reeling,
from the sudden epiphany that the arteries of my heart will never be fused with the arteries of any acquaintances in school to create a concoction similar to a magic potion, a potion that is truly alive on its own & stirs with an inexorable rhythm

an acquaintance who will not only fully comprehend but genuinely revel in things people denounce & dismiss

felt so sickened that i felt so lonely standing at the brink of an unfolding new world, being unable to enter because no one knew it existed, because my physical being was compelled to follow the sources of racket instead

thought about how i am not afraid to be alone, but afraid to be lonely

thought about how few people actually know this side of me exists, that the rest are all but a hoax,
a hoax conceived for self-protection that integrated & became a part of me (on the outside at least)

i miss having time alone to myself, quality time not spent fretting on anything but time just spent doing things i like, things that make me feel like i am alive again, things that allow me to fall in love with the idea of doing other things

sought the bunny j out in the midst of all the hullabaloo, glad i did because our nights were made
(reassurance of like-mindedness, reassurance of the need to stay anomalous for the sake of soul-preservation)

one thing i constantly forget:  c a r p e  d i e m

i need to make the most out of what i have

keeping up

the world spins on while i stand in the middle of the hullabaloo

adopting a passive role of watching, of detaching 

& admonishing my wearied soul for being so weak-willed in everything, for liking so many things but being competent at none 

thinking of the future scares me i cannot envisage myself fitting into anywhere

lord grant me courage to face my giants  

thursday was the worst day of the week, nothing colossal went wrong but i just felt like a violated & exposed hermit crab--all i wanted to do was to retrieve into my shell because interacting with people on a daily basis can be so tiring don't you think? 

found myself wishing i could mute every single person whose happiness took the grotesque form of noisy loudness, i really cannot fathom how some people think the way to attract somebody's attention is through making gorilla-like clamors or nonsensical statements that will elicit the phrase "trying too hard" (empty vessels indeed make the most noise)

everyone seems to enjoy mindless chatter and unproductive conversations but maybe it's because i'm anomalous (if i am it's something i will like to pride myself on)

on a bright note, today was pretty blessed

had a swift impromtu meet up session with joy & hannah because of othello tickets

cannot stress my inclination towards impromptu meet ups because spontaneous sessions are borne out of genuine relationships (which makes me miss rabbit hole impromtu dates so much)

(sorry for the incoherent post, my mind is whirling from fatigue)

long day ahead tomorrow, good night, sleep tight
& let god love you tonight xx

// trying to carpe diem my way through every weekday but it's getting really exhausting to keep up //