my own bell curve

"in long-distance running, the only person you have to beat is yourself, the way you used to be." 

(haruki murakami)

farewell // full circle

i think if i have to sum up today in a word it will be "surreal".

i am feeling strangely phlegmatic - except for this slightly disconcerting tugging at my heart that is a friend of the sentiment called "sense of loss". (perhaps less acute bc school is not done with us & vice versa) 

no, i think i am proud to say that i have no regrets - if i could have restarted jc life again i would have done it in exactly the same way (maybe with the exception of working harder from the very start) 

it felt almost chimerical when i plugged in my florence & the machine's playlist on my ipod in my solitary walk to the parade square for the last assembly ever as batch 2014. as "heartlines" engulfed my eardrums i felt goosebumps erupting from my arms bc that was exactly how i started jip - i remember my solitary adventures around the school - finding new favourite reading spots, away from the vociferous crowds of people making new friends & whose happiness was too loud. i remember how invincible & special this fatm playlist made me feel - how it reminded me that being an individual is not a thing to be frowned upon, but a gift that should be celebrated by that tenable, convicted feeling of self-worth (the feeling that whispers, "to have somebody is nice, but to have no one but yourself is nice too")

i've (almost) come full cycle & nothing much has changed (at least from the outside - besides having a brace-free face that has affected my way of smiling - hopefully in a good way haha). sometimes external stasis may not be a bad thing if it comes at the expense of smoothing internal fluctuations. 

even so, i really think that it's the nostalgia of rj that i will miss dearly. i have experienced so many things that have made me feel over the course of nearly two years, & the prospect of not being able to relieve these sensations in the exact same manner makes me extremely treacly. this place was (i say "was" bc alvls prep have stemmed my attempts at further self-exploration) a place where i tested the vivacity of my ideals & saved them before they collapsed (or perhaps even collected the broken pieces of them & glued them back together). this was a place where i discovered so many things about myself, wrote about them & embraced both the parts i could comprehend & the parts that had left me bewildered. this was a place so full of the good & bad - & i am a hapless victim of passions (i think i have mentioned before that i either feel nothing or feel too much) 

took a myriad of farewell photos today (including a group photo with the lovely hugeass class map !!finally!! hehe). i love taking photos (ok, i admit it's partly out of vanity esp since i'm a female but) mostly bc there are really no close substitutes to capturing a moment there & then. it comes as some consolation to me that even though we cannot replay favourite moments (even by a few seconds), we are able to snatch those few seconds of happiness (& all things lovely), stave them into the little pockets of our brains/phones/laptops & relieve them vicariously in moments of dearth. 

it is well with my soul

just emerged from a hullabaloo of mangled emotions (a few hours ago) that had pulled at me at all sides until i felt so stretched thin & spent - yes, tonight was one of those nights where my closet giants came to feast on my insides again. (such nights are rare but when they do, they come with a vengeance)

i don't really know how it started but i think it was a gradual build-up of that persistent nagging feeling that had/has been plaguing me recently- the dull ache in my insides that tyrannically whisper how time is no longer an ally & the need to try so much harder than i am doing now.

tonight marked the apex of this pent-up avalanche, triggered by my exasperation with people who care too much (that caring takes the undertone of oppressiveness on my (already) jittery psyche), with myself for being mean in response to them, for conforming true to their words, for just being so utterly weak-willed, for being unable to fathom the whirlwind of emotions bursting at the seams etc - i was so angry with myself for arcane reasons that i was not even sure of & i was so tired of holding up  this myriad of expectations (from self & others) that i just wanted to melt into my blanket & efface (i didn't care where, i just wanted to escape from my own skin)

my pride was too strong - i think i was angry at myself for my resolve to keep everything together when i knew i should have let go of this mangled mess & run to someone Stronger, but i couldn't. i wanted to be strong for myself, for once - to not be the weakling that i believed myself to be. i knew i was spiraling into a downward trajectory entitled "self-pity" & i hated myself so much for it, but i couldn't stop.

and then i broke. as i hugged my knees & cradled myself in the corner of my bedframe bc the tears would not stop falling, i felt so terribly alone - i was writing furiously in my journal "I AM TRYING, DAMN IT I AM TRYING" but i felt like i couldn't be heard - the words could do nothing but stay in ink on the page.

as i was wrestling with myself & choosing to hide from the face of God, the chorus & the bridge of bethel's "it is well" came up on my ipod:

"god save me i'm losing myself"

"through it all, through it all 

my eyes are on You

it is well with me"

"i can't do this, i can't deal with this mess alone"

"so let go, my soul & trust in Him

the waves & wind still know His name 

it is well with my soul 

it is well with my soul

it is well with my soul

it is well with my soul" 

i think writing it out does not do justice at all but the words that fell were like balm that spread itself so munificently over every portion of my being. surrender is such a wonderful, cathartic thing - as the tears finally stemmed from their banks i felt so completely purged of the hitherto pent-up mess of potent emotions. 

"through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You

& it is well with me."

waves of Love, come dispel these waves of fear

And Peter answered Him & said, 

"Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water."

So He said, "Come," And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus.

But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; & beginning to sink he cried out, saying 

"Lord, save me!" 

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand & caught him, & said to him, 

"O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" 

(Matthew 14:28-31)

loneliness in its full-fledged glory

had this fleeting thought before one of the (many) papers this week & promised myself that i will voice it out properly after the dreaded prelims are done so here i am:

i think the exam hall epitomises the concept of loneliness. i remember thinking to myself everytime i entered the ish for another paper (another battle) that i have become so accustomed to the coldness of the hall, the coldness of human interactions borne out of examination propriety, the coldness of my own heart when i feel so alone in my struggles (my fear of failures, fear of forgetting two years worth of important concepts etc). (yet i know that i am not alone in these sentiments, but we are unable to band together & seek solace in each other bc we are trapped within the high walls of the hall- underneath the hawk-eyed gazes of our invigilators, & even within the cages of our own hearts that are paralysed by the dull heaviness of fear)   

how lonely we all are when the clock momentarily but suddenly becomes the most consequential thing in the world, how lonely we all are when we are all fighting our battles alone (mortally bc i still believe in Christ & his promises) & pitting ourselves against time & knowledge - man vs paper, man vs time, man vs fear, man vs defeat.

how lonely we all are when the feeling of defeat creeps into our chests bc we know that we can't save ourselves (at least for that particular paper in question) & we consequently feel like screaming & running away - but we stay rooted to our chairs, forced to push on bc of the exam regulations that we have been ingrained to adhere to.  

this form of loneliness is (in my opinion) the most acute bc we are rendered completely helpless - we want to run away from the source but we are instead haplessly entrapped in the present both physically & psychologically, without rest. 

11:12 p.m & it has suddenly started pouring - i think the rain understands & agrees with me too

one life, ten books

got tagged by jj on fb to make a list of ten books that have "stayed with me in some way" or another. i was originally planning to fend off the urge to spend my precious time on  "frivolous" (in this context where prelims begin again in three days & i am kind of in a panic again) things like these but i realised that hey, getting to talk about books that have affected me is not inconsequential at all just bc they mean something to me- or perhaps even form part of my psyche (importance is relative haha), & also bc i am perhaps one of the most capricious people when it comes to things that interest me, so here it goes: (ps. they are not supposed to be ranked)

1. pride & prejudice (jane austen) 

(this classic will forever have a special place in my heart bc it epitomises the best memories i ever had of 2k12, & perhaps even the hallmark of my friendship with bunny j - i can still remember how while wiping plates at one of the most terrible places ever, we passed time by memorising elizabeth bennet's witty retorts to fitzwilliam darcy - "from the very beginning, from the first moment i may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, & your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike." [that is purely from memory, & i only got a few connecting words wrong - which is just telling of how this book has stuck with me even though it has been almost two years]) 

2. age of innocence (edith wharton) 

(i haven't really studied this for my upcoming lit paper on monday, which makes me extremely uncomfortable opps [bc hist is being an absolute asbjadndd] but the point is that sometimes, newland archer becomes more than a character but takes on the form an embodiment - his struggles become mine & they start to fade into each other & take on the same faces. & have i shared with anyone that it secretly pleases me when people cannot understand newland & even dismiss him as having "stupid thoughts", or negate him as merely a "confused man" bc that is exactly what he is, he is confused & his actions are probably stupid & unpragmatic in the eyes of the world -they must be thinking, why not, why not gratify-but what he does is probably going to be the same course of action i will take, if i had been in his shoes.) 

3. the bell jar (sylvia plath) 

(honestly, when i read this last year, it was completely beyond me & i felt like i was not even grasping a fraction of plath's emotional breakdown at all - but for those parts that i think i did, i think i could sympathise - & perhaps in my most feverish moments, even empathise with, albeit to a certain extent) 

4. the unbearable lightness of being (milan kundera) 

(this book made me understand myself alittle better, it made me feel more human - more fallible, more vulnerable, more easily susceptible to temptations, & in doing so, made me alittle sad - but it made me understand something that had hitherto always puzzled me for awhile i.e. vertigo (the fear of falling), & how vertigo can actually still be paradoxically alluring in certain seasons of my life) 

5. lady windermere's fan (oscar wilde) 

(i am honestly not a huge fan of this play, but i still chose it bc lady windermere's phrase has stuck with me ever since my eyes have glossed over it i.e. "we all have ideals in life. at least we all should have...if i lost my ideals, i should lose everything.") 

6. mrs warren's profession (george bernard shaw) 

(again, this play is definitely not a personal favourite at all bc none of the characters are actually likable - & perhaps shaw even meant it to be that way bc they mirror the real world so well, with all its failings- but to a certain extent, i can identify with vivie warren, especially when she attempts to assert her individuality as a "new woman" on a continuous basis.) 

7. housekeeping (marilynne robinson) 

(this book was so alarmingly acute in distilling feelings of loneliness that i would & still sometimes feel on certain melancholic nights, & i really love how it gives voice to the feelings that i could never have expressed in my own words. also, i really like how this is one of the rare books that does not include a male character, or express a need for one. i am not condemning pride & prejudice or any other classics that paint the main male lead as prince charming, but it was nice reading a book that is solely about the self & nothing else.) 

8. brave new world (aldous huxley) 

(when i read this in december last year, i felt rather perturbed imagining a dystopian world where the individual is fully stripped of his right to choose-  & in doing so it reminded me then that it is still a blessing to be able to choose, even when faced with unfavorable choices.) 

9. extremely loud & incredibly close (jonathan safran foer) 

(i really liked this book bc for once, i read a book that placed me right smack in the middle of oscar's thought process - it felt nice being in someone's head for awhile, & vicariously experiencing what it feels like to think aloud also helped me to achieve greater clarity in my own thought processes too. also, the movie made me cry buckets like i have never ever done before, so i guess it definitely fits into the criteria of "affected" & "stayed with me".) 

10. what gives us our names (alvin pang) 

(//MENTALLY SLAPPING MYSELF for nearly forgetting to include this in my top ten list, how could i forget dear alvin pang// for reasons most apparent [if you have been following through my recent blogposts], you will know why :-) for those who are clueless, basically when he came to my school for a lit workshop & signed on my copy of his book - twice- [twice bc i went for the same workshop in 2k13] i literally could not stop smiling the entire freaking day bc interacting with him just made me feel like i had flowers blooming out of my heart. but coming back, yes, i really liked this book bc it very wittily personifies every single value (or human-related attribute) i.e. kindness, generosity, community etc & gives them life to the point that i actually really wanted to meet them in person when i read it.) 

time count: i took one hour & seventeen minutes to do this list & my rational self is screaming at me for being such a poor timekeeper bc the india-pakistan conflict awaits to be diffused into my brain 

but i do not regret (i think) bc i really enjoy(ed) talking about things that matter to me

p.s i didn't want to put this up on such an impersonal & public platform like fb bc this feels almost like a piece of me, so if you are reading this on my blog bc you actually want to know more about me, thank you for that kind person 

expend

today while making my own decolonisation notes for paper II history, i came across this phrase i.e. "indonesia's republican army expended dutch resources" & i think i can finally empathise with the dutch bc something in me keeps whispering "expend, expend, expend" & with every whispered breath i feel like i have punctured a hole in my being -  that it will only be a mere couple of minutes more before someone finds me deflated & melted into a puddle of lassitude (if it had a corporeal form), mangled & spread thin.

(perhaps it is 1.19a.m in the morning & my brain is all over the place again)

(i promised myself that in this season, i will only focus on getting my studies right - but it is in spare pockets of time during late nights like these that my malfunctioning brain keeps going back to the angel who defeats the grave, "smooths our hair, and brings us wild strawberries". it is in times like these that newland archer becomes more than a character & takes the form of an embodiment - in times like these i think i can feel the dull ache that he feels from missing "the flower of life", except that i know it is only the nostalgia that i do miss)