somersaults in my head

i want to be everything good present and future i want to have it all and it's possible to have your cake and eat it that i think sometimes i feel so stifled by my own expectations of myself no no no don't rest on your laurels god opens doors of opportunities to those who hustle and earn their keep keep growing don't stop all these platitudes "you are first a daughter of god and not your own strife" i know but would being a daughter of god without hard work still be a fulfilling life and an edifying one? go go go you can do this you are kickass and a go-getter as if i wouldn't be me anymore if i stopped my endless pursuit of personal growth no no no don't break down on me you are strong that's who you are -

i think i need a hug?

from seoul: puedo ser feliz

"puedo ser feliz, caminando relajada entre la gente" 

think this line from shakira's "la bicicleta" encapsulates my current psychological state - the feeling of contentment and tranquility while walking in symphony with the crowd on seoul's busy streets, amongst people who hold a completely different passport from me. the feeling that mirrors how i had felt in my solitary walks in new york. in hong kong. in different parts of spain. the feeling that stems from knowing that i had become one and have now surpassed my discomfort. that i have invested duly in myself and am reaping the rewards. that i am one step closer to becoming a more global individual. language is my way to feel connected and to connect with people, and seeing the confluence of different languages familiar to my ear in a seemingly homogenous metropolitan city always feels absolutely magical - as if i got into a time capsule and went back to a moment in my life where i used to be surrounded by that language or culture, the feeling of being in a nice kind of flux. i used to chafe at ync's propensity to keep things "open-ended" - why name a predominantly political major "global affairs", when the introductory course (according to many) does not accurately reflect the bulk of its integrity? i am now beginning to see how this major fits me like a glove - i enjoy politics all the same, but as i keep my eyes peeled for potential capstone ideas, maybe - just maybe, i wouldn't do my capstone on politics per se afterall. everything is political, but with my increasing fascination for products of globalisation - continuously evolving businesses, rapidly changing music juxtaposed against the universality of certain types of tunes and aforementioned observation of languages etc, i think i will find a way to explore this fascination with the mandatory and dreadful capstone looming ahead.

to a large extent i've been disillusioned with korea, but i know this has not been a wasted trip. i am an idealistic realist, and i like seeing the positive side in everything i do. the copious amounts of spare time here has allowed me to invest in things that are important to me - skype conversations with my bae, exploring more opportunities back home, picking up new quantitative skills and building my reserve for rest - which i will definitely need once next year picks up. and of course, getting to know the beauty market here, and honing on my skincare routine. (on my spendthrift habits on skincare: i told bae once before that money is fleeting but face is forever, wouldn't you agree with me?)

approximately three weeks left till i am bound for home and i guess i am just filled with thankfulness. the future ahead looks promising but is still so disconcertingly uncertain. i am content bc i've tried my best though, to reach out and capitalise on opportunities, and i am still preparing myself to be ready for these opportunities when they knock on my door. i hate the absence of clarity, but one thing remains clear for me: all the closed doors in my life led to other better open ones, bc God indeed is the wisest and knows the best for me. i spent a few nights ago just penning down in detail what the lord had done from me every since he gave me a prophetic promise in 2k14 i.e. to take me from "strength to strength and glory to glory". "what others would take ten years, you would take only three". "are you in any leadership roles? because i see you will become a leader one day". leader? me? i had hitherto strayed from any high profile leadership roles in rg and rj bc i just didn't think i had the quality for it. and here it was - a man of God from church was telling me so surely that i was going to be a leader someday, and that i had the quality for it. in retrospect - maybe i was an unpolished diamond then bc i will unabashedly say that my ultimate overarching career goal now is to one day (in the distant future) helm an established mnc. i still don't know how i will get there, but i think i will be able to make it, someday.

the doors that He subsequently opened for me (and of course He did make me wait, through aching hearts and the occasional hot tears) were all in perfect timing. my scholarship application to nac (which i put in the most effort bc i wanted so hard to be a literary editor at that time in my life) was a complete failure (well obviously it failed bc there are obviously so many more people out there who are passionate about the arts scene). while all my friends whom i saw on equal footing got into ync, He made me wait until (literally - i still remember it was 5.55pm when i received the call) the last moment when the waitlist was stipulated to close (and meanwhile, i got rejected for all biz orientation camps i applied for bc ~obviously~ He had already planned for me to get into my current school). my spanish scholarship failed on first try while all my other entry-level spanish classmates that i knew got it (of course it had to fail for me to even get the opportunity to intern in new york city, ~duh~). and of course all the doors He opened for me: getting the spanish scholarship and my rare 2 months !!self-sourced!! stint at sephora for summer this year (won't go into the details but even that was miraculous), along with all the other opportunities and giant-slayers He has placed in my life. how can i not trust Him now? afterall, if i had to codify my life in six mere words, it would be:

work hard and pull heavenly strings.

when i look back at my life - including how i'd met the current love of my life - it was all God working His thing in His perfect timing.

I used to wonder what my calling in life could be - if i had never felt it was my natural inclination to do community service or go on missions to evangelise etc., what could i possibly do for a living that will glorify Him? corporate never seemed like a place where God would have a place in. and it's precisely bc of that i think perhaps if i ever do make it big in the corporate world next time, i would want to use that position to help and mentor people, just like christ would.

versions of myself

to forever be as multi-faceted and vibrant as photographs taken on good and bright days;


to never forget the power of chasing after growth - the way my heart would rise, rise and rise, threatening to burst out of my chest from the sheer joy of knowing that i am becoming a better version of myself with each passing day;


to give constant thanks to my mightiest giant slayer: Him who fiercely fights for me such that i need only to be still, whom i only need to pull heavenly strings to open doors to high places beyond all that i can ask or think;

and to you - to always be patient, loving and kind.

from korea: keeping my head above the water

some days i feel like i am falling deeper into a rut more than others: the discrepancy between what i had envisaged i would begin achieving here juxtaposed against the reality of circumstantial roadblocks; the copious amounts of free time compared to semesters back home; the pressure to make my semester here count when i know that the tuition fees here are a notch cheaper on paper than back at home & i'm being done a disservice with the automatic school fees transfer system here; the inertia to keep trying when everything just looks so bleak - yes i know i know i know i shouldn't blame my environment & i'll be able to make the most out of whatever little opportunities here if i put my mind  to it but how do i get out of this rut i'm feeling??; how hard it is to make authentic friends here as opposed to the wealth of friends i can fall back on back home & have amazing conversations with - not just emotionally uplifting but intellectually as well; i miss feeling intellectually stimulated (& even drained) all the time - how do i deal with the subpar academic courses with hugeass class numbers, (half of my courses having) apathetic and/or arrogant professors constantly disguising their sense of superiority with jokes bordering on crass - who digress their own lesson plans themselves or interrupt students who are trying to express their thoughts with their borderline snarky jokes just to ignite waves after waves of laughter from fellow classmates???? - or even better, ignore their students & leave them feeling completely stupid raising their hands uprightly in class for more than half a minute (& subsequently stifling their voices with the dearth of acknowledgement bc they aren't persistent enough? i would like to believe i am a fighter but now there are days in class where i really do not bother). the lesson plans here are also half-assed bc the profs do not follow closely to the pages they assign - the dates of all my notes are so mismatched bc the notes i take from my readings of that particular day according to the lesson plans are not what is covered during that seminar - but way ahead.

during my semesters back at ync i would curse at the academic rigour of daily 120 page readings in preparation for the next day of classes & continuous back to back class discussions every single lesson but here i feel so starved of quality conversations - of being forced to think on my feet, of feeling like i've been encouraged by my profs to speak up even when i feel my points are lacking, of feeling respected by my professors when i speak up & of feeling validated by my classmates who would bounce off my points & steer the discussion into something value-adding. to be honest i cannot fathom how the quality of education at supposedly one of the topmost tertiary institutions in this country can be so lacking & i feel alittle conned by my expectations of this entire experience almost a month in. i have not even taken into account the biggest part - how hard it has been to be away from the warmth of home & my love, or how they worry for my safety every day bc of the entire nuclear tension issue that has been plaguing the news every two days. i keep coming back to the question if this entire experience is worth it, & i haven't found an answer to that yet.

i started my personal growth journey with new york in the summer of 2016, & learnt that i could thrive in a big, metropolitan city that i speak fluently the language of. in the summer of 2017, i challenged myself to up it a notch - to live alone in a city whose first language was my fourth, & became conversationally eloquent (from a foreigner pov) after a month of assimilating with the spanish people there. i am now on the top rung of my growth ladder - i have settled in to as organic a way of life a foreigner can live here (living off campus in a heartlandish neighbourhood, cooking dinners for myself & going for jogs on the neighbourhood jogging track etc.) & successfully navigated myself alone around a country i (still) do not speak the language of: but why do i still feel so incredibly empty & unfulfilled inside?

but you know what? i'm a fighter. i will search for the beauty of this place, & continue working towards what i desire to accomplish here - anything that will help me continue to grow as an individual, & pave routes into my future.

finally, a break

it's been awhile since i've lit a candle, put on some good o' tunes on my speakers, got myself a glass of choya & wrapped myself under the covers - just to pause & sit in the quietness of the night, to look back at the past few months - remnants of summer 2k17.

two words: thankful & proud.

thankful bc halfway i lost sight of god alittle - one day i awoke forgetting what my new year's resolution even was, when i'd established from the beginning that the crux of this year would be to learn how to walk with god & not in retrospect. there was hardly any linearity in our relationship - a few days to peak & another few days to plateau; coming full circle to first Love, then paying lip service again & inevitably the entire cycle of rinse & repeat. in the eyes of the world, how can binding myself to a Being so seemingly intangible - almost like blind faith, be sexy? or convenient?

in spite of & still, He had & has been faithful.

in my relationships. in panning out my summer plans impeccably. in showing me favour. in blessing me with the camaraderie of new friendships - both abroad & at my short stint at work. in blessing me with wisdom - both godly & secularly. in pointing me towards giant-slayers &/or role models to look towards in my professional life. in grounding my heart to the unchanging anchor - the steadiness that is Him. the word that encapsulates it in mandarin is 踏实. i think that's what god has been for me. where i am & this path that i have treaded thus far - yes indeed i'd worked for them & bloody hard at that, but the final call had always been His. i made my petitions to god & pulled heavenly strings, knowing so steadfastly in my heart the opportunities i were going to get even before i got them. this spanish scholarship. this trip to spain, even when financial difficulties arose (my scholarship money only got credited after my trip). this internship from the moment i reached out via a backdoor that i wasn't even sure was going to work. my upcoming study abroad to korea. doing things with Him meant i knew the places i got put in were & are still divinely ordained. that my personal & professional growth are as important to Him as my spiritual one.

thankful also bc through these past months He has taught me to love like i have never done before. love is patient, love is kind...it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails. cliches will always remain cliches until they are searingly felt by the heart. (we will be more than alright, my love, if we always feast our eyes on Him, alright?) i've learnt it is so pertinent to begin the battle knowing which side you're fighting for. for us. in god. always.

proud bc i know what i want to achieve in life & i've thoroughly invested in myself this summer to be inching closer towards that overarching goal. immersing myself in an organically spanish environment. travelling & living alone once again, this time with no familiar faces during my sojourn whatsoever. becoming conversationally eloquent & realising it's possible with practice to think in spanish (rather than consciously translate back & forth from english). reaching out for opportunities via backdoors whom are strangers in themselves. doing real work working people are hired to do. speaking with strangers, vendors, & powerful people over the phone/in person for the projects i handled. doing both the clearing of modular credits (via spanish summer school) & building my skillset in what i believe is the next big thing (via my internship) all in three months. all this while juggling my romantic relationship concurrently with my career goals. afterall, family & career are both equally important to me & i'll like to think i've duly invested in both.

don't know what the next four months will be like re-adjusting to a new country i don't speak the language of at all, but it's when i feel most uncomfortable that i'm growing the most.

five seconds

today a video autoplayed on my facebook feed and it was about the five second rule to success. it talked about how this woman pulled herself out of her depression from hitting rock bottom by imagining she was a rocket on a five second countdown, ready to be launched out into space by nasa. five seconds were all it took to launch herself out of bed after a prolonged period of languishing into nothingness & self-pity. five seconds were all it took to psych herself into believing in life again, & to push her way through the mud. she mentioned that life is an accumulation of all these small decisions - the decision to get out of bed, to starting a fitness routine, to leaping at opportunities career-wise. the window period to tricking your naysayer brain into discomfort (read: growth) is just five seconds.

i think i really needed this reminder this morning. halfway through this summer i think a small part of me fizzled out. until this evening i was still in a lull. i haven't had a proper break since sem 2 started. nor one when it ended & ushered in summer'17. less than a week after my final papers, i had packed my bags and was on a plane to spain - my first sojourn to europe. what little energy i had left from the sem i spent adjusting: abandoning my first language for my fourth, roaming around alone, making new friends & planning my solo trip to madrid. a month later i flew back, rested for a couple of days before immediately diving into my current internship. i still haven't had a proper, prolonged break. it will be only a week and a half after i end before i'll be on a plane to korea for exchange. four months till i'll have approximately two weeks before junior year sem 2 begins.

& yet it never seems enough to me. i vacillate between feeling proud at my personal growth journey & feeling chafed at myself for not doing enough; i have so much potential left that i know i'm not maxing out, but why is there a part of me that is so lazy & doesn't want to move? it is always a struggle between choosing to step out of what's lull & comfortable into scary things that put me on an edge. some of these are small things - like phone screening prospective intern candidates (bc part of my task is to personally find my replacement before i leave), or reaching out to vendors (software companies) providing the omni channel solutions we need. which intern recruits her own intern replacement???? or directly liaises with some big shot ceo of a saas company to demand for the specifications we need before taking them on as our vendor??? sometimes my work is incredulous & alittle scary, but i always need to remember the five second rule - it takes five seconds to trick your brain into action, before it can realise you are doing something that scares the shit out of you. then you'll no choice but to sit & enjoy the ride.

today i had a girl crush moment i thought i had lost from rg days. few things make me so excited as seeing empowered women in the workplace (whom i look up to) band together to trail blaze a palpable vision. to see your girl goals from different time periods & sources work together in real life is such a surreal feeling, but in retrospect should not be all that surprising. talent attracts talent. birds of a feather indeed flock together. you are who (& become who) you work with. it is so important to have people to dream together with. in a sense i am so thankful we live in an age where i have these women to look up to, & hopefully one day other girls at my age will be looking up to an older version of me in the same way too. i may be still lacking in experience & knowledge in so many ways - it took eight years, or past a decade (or even two, or more) for them to get where they are now. my youth may seem like a curse, but it is my asset. i have at least eight years to get to that stage, & get there i will.

an excerpt

love is patient, love is kind...it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails. there was the heart of the common ground we both had lost, but found as we put ourselves secondary to the Anchor we forgot was (and still is) holding us both. & the lord melted our hardened hearts & shifted our focus from "me", to "us". the notion of us. the notion of us i thought i had internalised until it was put through the trial of fire and refined under flame. let us listen, let me listen & cease to speak. we were finally talking with each other.

so this is what it means to love with the Love You have showered onto us. the Love that is not self-seeking, not easily angered, that is patient and kind, that always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. a love so unconditional it keeps no record of wrongs, of who gives more, but brings us both back to first principles, to a place where we were both always giving, always understanding, always praying & always loving (before this label of love made us complacent).

now i understand why i love kissing you so much: it is an exclusive action expressing love, reconciliation and oneness. one of the best moments in life felt like last night, when the storm cleared & we sat beneath a sky exploding into fireworks, just having a sacred, ineffable moment with each other.

love is giving the last drop of water, when i'm parched

each time, of our time
we hug ever so tight,
but tight never seems enough.
the moment of silence.
i rest my head on your shoulder, thinking:
i miss you, even
before our day is gone.

the way you've unconsciously started to
spell, just like i do.
lyfe. fud. kickass. okie. tho. 
i can't remember when
you made your way into my heart.
but the night you held me
as i was a crying wreck -
that was the night i could
already say those three words
i'd never uttered before,
to any other counterparts.

i clutch your arm,
koala your side,
drink you in,
trace your collarbones,
& throw my arms around your neck -
how solid the feel of
skin to skin,
head against head,
face to face.
pressed lips
& the way your arms become
my jacket -
wrapping me warm.
eyes closed, praying:
God help me remember
this moment, & the next,
& forever after.

i wear you on my sleeve -
with you,
i wear my heart on my sleeve
& pray for long escalator rides.
your face cupped in my tiny hands -
i wish i could grasp you this concretely
in memories too.

two-thirds of the day i've dedicated to
growing, soaring -
higher, faster, greater, stronger!
explore, invest, hustle -
but i always come home
for the latter one-third
to you,
my homecoming -
irrespective of physical
or imagined form.

i've never known how it's like
to spend both (& full) days
of the weekend on adventures together -
like other couples.

even our relationship
is fraught with geographical distance -
spread across excruciating time frames
& punishing work/personal schedules.
spain. korea. army. even
within our tiny island home,
we're miles apart.

but sometimes, i still catch myself
tearing up -
because finally,
at twenty-one, i think
i know, i really think i do know
what love is.

you are love, who leads me
to the Love,
& whose love makes me
want to love
my loved ones
around me.
just by loving me,
with this genuine heart of yours.

from alicante, spain

learning that homesickness is a place & a person - with the rosy pink afterglow of the setting sun dusting los calles in a romantic light, the solitary stroll back to a home away from home in 23 degree weather, thinking i'll be home if i were here with you - how perfect it would be if we were taking on this journey hand in hand - but i close my eyes, turn on some good o' jay chou & vestiges of you start piecing themselves together again, until i see you lying on my bed back in my college room, until i am able to hold your face concretely in my cupped hands & plant a kiss on your lips. this way, i keep you alive in my head, por siempre, until i'm able to be home again.

but this distance is so important for me (& hopefully for you too), for me to remember that i had and still have a life apart from you. for me to remember how it feels like to have that incendiary feeling of invincibility rising in my chest from throwing myself into foreign, big & small cities that either speak english or almost completely don't, that continual personal growth is probably one of my most important life goals. that i am whole & full, first alone in God & in myself. the beauty of this is that you inhabit my heart but do not compose it, & in doing so we do not complete each other but complement & value-add to each other's lives. to have a life & career apart from each other is so important - it ensures that our relationship will never hinder, but always make both of us better persons. & the fact that you continually support my ambitious pursuit of personal goals even though they separate us geographically makes me love you even more - for embodying our first principles established together i.e. as mentioned above.

today, one of my close friends from rg shot me a dm with reference to how she finds my solo travels to faraway foreign countries inspirational & that other people on my feed would think so too, that in doing so i smash the stereotype of what a petite, twenty year old girl can accomplish. if you are reading this, thank you, thank you, thank you. after a week, life here has become so normalised that most of the time i forget that i am here alone, with my family & everyone i love living on (almost) the other end of the globe (new york was literally half but spain's not as bad). it sounds crazy but it's true -  i have to remind myself constantly that this is not normal, that i have become comfortable with the uncomfortable, that i am far more capable than i sometimes give myself credit for. that i have & am actually conceptualising a vague longing to learn spanish in the country of its origin ever since i embarked on learning this language. that i am now proficient enough to have very substantial & entertaining conversations with my host & her partner - about how corrupt spanish politicians are, unemployment particularly amongst youths, differences in cultures, how male chauvinistic this language is (which she didn't realise but later agreed with me) & about politics in sg etc. there are still hiccups in my grammar here & there but i am picking up things as i go along. sometimes this still feels like a dream, & i am so privileged to be able to partake in such an experience w/o predominantly spending my parents' $$$. i cannot wait to piece together a video of all the clips i took/have taken for posterity. i want to be able to look back on my youth & not harbour a tinge of regret, but feel immensely proud for achieving big things at a young age. so here i am, turning 21 in two days, by myself in a country i speak the fourth language of. so here i am, hoping for a more fruitful summer'17 over a summer'16 that's hard to beat in every aspect.

you - a homecoming

fell asleep on your sturdy chest while drifting off into a subconscious blur on the train ride after a blessed brunch of poached eggs & smoked salmon, how herculean your chest felt as you cradled the side of my head with your cautious hand, the crevice of your neck leaning into mine, how safe, how sound, how dreamily i smiled as landon pigg's falling in love at a coffee shop became backdrop in our ears - the one tune that had made me want to fall in love in rj days, how blessed i was to be able to listen to it once again - this time with someone who makes me feel like i will be safe in his loving arms, even with the walls crumbling all around me - with you, in your arms.

i thought the romantic in me died when my heart kept getting broken by the reality of boys who were never careful enough, but you bring out that side of me again, the latent writer & poet who finds beauty in the expression of feelings into words, so that i can paint a picture of you not only in visions but also in words. how ironic, that you deal with numbers and scientific terms better than poetry & art, that you are able to make me feel more connected with the innate humanistic psyche that got gradually lost along the way until i didn't want to write anymore bc there was nothing joyful worth writing about - only pain & sadness that had to be catharcised, letters to myself that had to be set alight & reduced to ashes. but you who affirm me, who not only celebrate my joys with me but also carry my burdens, who uplift me & lead me to the One Thing not only in brokenness but even in the little things - you who are willing to have both mindless & necessary conversations with me, you who always do things not for yourself, but for "us" -

you who unlock the girlish, soft side of me while continually supporting the fiercely ambitious facet of my personality that needs to soar in my own personal & professional life - it is you who are my homecoming, the sturdy reel of the kite that is me.

you (abridged version)

with you,
in an alternate universe -
your hand in mine,
our heads in the clouds,
a million illuminated lanterns drifting,
floating upwards - a landscape
of innumerable constellations,
as multitudinous as the descendants
God promised to abraham -
fireworks going off in my head:
the sensation of falling headfirst is
so ineffable, i can only describe
it as backdrop.

i close my eyes
& see your face imprinted
in my mind -
(those staring episodes were
for memory work)
puppy eyes, droppy eyelids, with a
tiny mole next to the right;
a large nose with a straight bridge
diverging into two nostrils;
boat-shaped lips almost symmetrical;
(this was why my finger kept tracing
your lips - to commit them to memory)
cheeks that fit nicely
into two outstretched palms of my hands,
soft hair & a sharp chin that is your pride,
& bags your bragging rights.

you who remember my
favourite things & activities,
who are not afraid of telling me
you miss me,
who hug me even in your dreams.
you who plan & prepare
for our dates,
despite your punishing work schedule.
you who make me feel
as valued - or more so
than how i value myself,
who (love) me for me
& not for my body - to you
i am not just an object, to be touched &
paraded around - a trophy only to be
shined in public.
you who are as auntie
as i am, that we can always count
on each other -
not just for comfort in sadness,
but also tissues, & umbrellas.

you who make me feel
like i can be a modern day
kickass princess warrior
like mulan - everyday i
thank You, for you.
"and at last i see the light 
& it's like the sky is new,
& it's warm & real & bright
& the world has somehow shifted."

我们轻轻的唱，去任何地方

the weight of the world

is love.

under the burden

of solitude,

under the burden 

of dissatisfaction

the weight,

the weight we carry

is love. 

|---------------------------------------------------------|

who can deny?

in dreams

it touches

the body,

in thought 

constructs

a miracle,

in imagination

anguishes 

till born

in human -

looks out of the heart

burning with purity - 

- song, allen ginsberg

you weigh me down, only in all the good ways.
your shoulder is almost as sturdy as the Rock that holds us both.

to be both

i want to be both of everything good - to fall headfirst in love (with you) & yet not let my grades slide, to settle down young & yet fiercely carve out a career at the same time, to be a young mum & a kickass career woman in the future -

& why should they be mutually exclusive?
i want to have my cake & eat it, & with God i think i can.
i can, i can, i can.

你是我的关键词

这是第一次，让我见识爱情可以慷慨又自私，

有一种踏实，是你心中有我名字。 

finalmente

cuando pienso en ti, mi corazón está lleno,

porque Tú, sólo porque Tú

how do i aptly describe this joy
of finally walking right with You,
of knowing that i am able to feel
unmitigated, uncoloured joy - freed
from the irrational fear of false hopes,
insecurities stemming
from knowing whatever i put my hand to
will not be blessed if i do not
seek You first, in my pursuit;
precisely bc
i do not need to hide from man,
when i do not need to hide from You, God.

the steadfastness of my heart & soul,
anchored in the ineffaceable faith
that You will bless what we have
& how we love, both You and each other -
when we uplift each other with prayer,
when we come together to honour You,
to anchor ourselves in all that You are.

the sheer freedom of knowing
that in our hearts we plan our course,
but You establish our steps -
both as a collective & as individuals.
that if You will,
nothing will be able to stand against
nor prevail against
us.

i am learning the blessing
of having our separate, busy lives -
yet having my heart bursting with fullness,
even in the hours spent apart,
knowing for sure that
our covenant
consists of no games.

there is only one rule:
to uplift.

nosotros

sentirse bien, porque tú, jesús,
porque sé será bien con tú en el centro.

standing on the shoulders of kind giants

someone asked me once a long time ago if i had to characterise what friendship means to me in a word what will that word be?

i replied: to uplift.

a night away from week five of classes in this community & i have seen the graces of friendships come to play again & again. i am surrounded by wonderful, amazing people who really do care about me & who will uplift me, not only on good days but downtrodden ones; who inspire me to pick myself up & constantly challenge my boundaries - not just in terms of character but also in terms of personal growth, work ethic & professional goals.

tonight, i take my time to thank You for placing kind giants all around me.

picking up, picking speed

i took a deep breath & listened to the old brag of my heart. i am, i am, i am.

- sylvia plath

onwards

an exponential amount of expletives, many heart-felt conversations with different people, hot tears, hugs & finally - literally setting alight the angry & aching mess of my emotions scribbled on pieces of paper from my journal later: it can only be an upward trajectory from here.

now that i have fully processed everything & accepted that life (which is encapsulated by what c said at dinner earlier "adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street, then getting hit by an airplane") can be f**king unfair even for those who work earnestly & take pride in their work, in many ways i am glad i experienced & learnt it before entering the work place - after all, i aspire to keep growing & my trajectory of growth did take an unprecedented twist but it is nevertheless still growth in every sense of the word. i came out feeling like my entire college life hitherto had been invalidated by things out of my control & by no fault of mine; feeling like i had been living a lie of some sort in believing the best of various institutions & people; feeling like my world was collapsing inwards & folding me in - how could i process it in a rational way when i had always used my portfolio to justify to myself (& to others) why i was in every aspect capable & worthy of the opportunities i desired, or why i didn't need a boy in my life as long as i had my professional growth to count on? corporate relations/fr are collectively a niche skill set & not being able to find solace from the people around me who had kind intentions but were just unable to relate wrt the personal ramifications (bc you will not know what corporate bashing looks like until you have experienced it for yourself) honestly made me feel so misunderstood - to them i may have looked like an overreacting fool but to me (& my personal reputation) it is a gross understatement to say the implications are real - they palpitate in me & i live in fear for how everything now will come back to haunt me. but it has not been in waste. the best thing about education (ranging from academics to the entire holistic package) is that it is something that no one - no person, no institution etc. will be able to take away from you. in the grand scale of things, i am bigger than any organisation. and with god i know i will be unstoppable. this is just a stepping stone to greater things, for closed doors only show me to the straight paths that He has in store for me - plans to prosper me & not to harm me. 

through this entire formative experience i have tried, tested & succeeded in acquiring niche skills that will ultimately set me apart from the others who have not had these experiences. without this collective experience i would not have tested my psychological limits & emerged stronger; would not have gained the confidence i have to make me into the young woman i am today (i think it is a general consensus to say i've grown so much from rj days); would not have had the confidence to ace both interviews to secure an internship in nyc (& new york by itself was another crazy formative experience that i wouldn't trade for anything else); would not have been able to say i had stepped up to something that had scared the crap out of me & conquered it through & through (at least for things within my sphere of control). learning that i am good at this & can be better. learning that i now know how to use my girlish charm in a way that advances my professional interests - 

i am proud of myself & i should be proud of the work that i had done, despite these things beyond my control. 

without this experience i would not have met the person who taught me the ropes in the first place i.e. rendering everything above truly invalid, nor would i have gotten so close to so many people who had been through absolute crappiness with me & whom i know i can count on now to have my back. friendships cannot be measured, & god knows how important they are to me. i am still thankful, nevertheless. 

it can only go upward from here. 

just me, god & my big dreams

holy is the lord revealed before my eyes,

& my burdened heart can scarcely take it in

...

now i know,

i have seen

the glory that cannot be unseen

i am changed

& changing still

as i look upon You lord & believe

these ghosts of my past -
i keep bumping into them everywhere
i turn -
in common spaces, in dreams, in shelved memories:
memories that heave in the spaces of my lungs,
bringing a wistful ache as they flash past
before my eyes,
a book of ineffable memories,
like the flickering of a traffic light.
not an ache of regret, but
an ache to remind me i probably wasn't
good enough for any of them,
to want me enough,
to stay.

but today as i strode out of the library,
headphones perched & heart refocused
on my self once more,
on first & foremost,
working on my relationship
with You -
i wasn't enough because i had
crowded You out of my heart -
looking for Love in the faces of other
potential lovers around me,
not in the one Face above me.
these faces were merely mirrors
that shattered with the breaking
of every illusion.

for who else would thirst after me
like You do?
who else would want me,
not for the polished front i put up -
but for the nights i cry myself to sleep,
the nights i let my giants consume me?
who else would want the best for me,
& is in the position to grant me
these opportunities, to open doors,
whose Favour is all i need?

looking back, You have always gone before,
& You will always go before me,
to fulfil Your promise of taking me
"from glory to glory" -
from one level to yet another
level of glory -
such a ceaseless promise.
& so i will trust in You
to make my paths right,
to ride & rise on Your wings,
& to say yes to the doors
You will open before me.

elohim

in Your strength i can crush an army;
with my god i can scale any wall.
god's way is perfect.
all the lord's promises prove true.
...
for who is god except the lord?
who but our god is a solid rock?
god is my strong fortress,
and He makes my way perfect.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
enabling me to stand on mountain heights.
He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

You have given me my shield of victory;
Your help has made me great.

(2 samuel 22:30-36)

to walk with, & not in retrospect

i have been like scattered sand - yes, i am bold & will go after things i desire, but what i had desired was to find love & affection in fallible human beings, corporeal human beings whom i hoped would be able to satisfy my propensity for carnality - as i wrapped my arms around myself & rocked myself to sleep on bad nights i thought of how nice it would be to have someone physical to hold me, not how nice it would be to be immeasurably satiated by the incorporeal God, my lord whom i knew (in my head yes, not in my heart) has the ability to satisfy even the thirstiest of hearts. i refused - how could i when touch is my love language, how could i touch & feel loved by someone who lives in the heavens, the stars, the seas, the soil beneath our feet, whose omnipresence is more than i can bear, more than what i can fill in the spaces between my fingers, or my outstretched arms, whose boundlessness i cannot kiss nor tangibly feel? & so i lost myself to the shadows of pursuing after insatiable things, after fallible people like myself, & got disappointed again & again by people who lost interest, who couldn't commit, who didn't seek after my heart as fervently as i had romanticised in my head. i only prayed for the want of things, not for the want of christ himself. i had desired to find a partner who will devote his heart to God, but have failed to realise that he too will look for someone after God's own heart, not after the things of this world, things i had fiercely been in pursuit of. i have always thought the problem doesn't lie with me - but to a large extent it does, it does, it does: unless i find back the anchor of my heart that is You, & You alone, i will never be satisfied.

looking back on my journal entries, i remember the times that i had lived & breathed of You, during my a lvl days. those were the hardest of times, but they were also the best of times, particularly in terms of the immense wealth i had in my soul & spirit. on the eighteenth of october 2k14 i recall a leader from church taking the time to pray for me, prophesizing that You will take me from 'strength to strength & glory to glory', adding that You will take me from one level of glory to a higher level of glory. until i went back to that particular entry tonight i had always thought You had fulfilled that promise utterly - the first clause when i survived the ordeal of alvls with so much grace left to spare, the second when i finally got taken off the waitlist at the last moment it was stipulated to close. it was such an arduous wait i thought it was more than i could bear - for someone who loved clarity so much i had shed so many hot tears not knowing the tenability of my future with unwavering certainty until the last moment. i always thought the chapter of that prophesy had closed then - but now i can see that it was just the tip of the iceberg, the former 'glory' preceding the latter 'to glory'.

since then You have indeed taken me higher & higher: from learning the ropes of fundraising to raising close to the 20k mark on my own; from eschewing from every events-planning related commitment (except for gym concert'12 which i was coerced to be a part of) to organising (come this mid-january) my fourth political conference to date, from feeling at a complete loss wrt summer plans after my application for the santander scholarship fell through last december to the bestest of bestest time in new york city & (if all goes well) spain this coming summer. i have always forgotten You in the moments leading up to these victories & only remembered in retrospect, but You never have.

life with You in the peripheries until things go awry is such a convenient life to live. but as we waited for the fireworks to erupt at the close of 2k16 & i marvelled at how You have taken the brokenness of my best college orientation buddy (who left) & completely transformed his grades & perceived self-worth, as we both agreed that a life lived without You seems better until it gradually gets so incredibly emotionally tiring & utterly empty, as we both pledged individually to begin growing in You come 2k17,

for once in my life i anchor my new year's resolution in You: to do things together with You, not in retrospect.