goodbye 2k16

with every year i find a tune that characterises me - last year oh my muu's expression was the tune that made me feel like i could rebuild myself over & over again. as 2k16 draws to a close odesza's always this late will forever remind me of new york & everything that came with it - the feeling of losing myself in a spirit of sheer aliveness that brims, brims & overflows, the inexplicable feeling of solitary night walks down the streets of manhattan spaciously flanked by two majestic buildings - ceaseless bc of its grid-like structure, or losing myself in the sea of people at 14th street union square with sheryl sandberg's 'lean in' clutched close to me - feeling like i can be anything i want to be as long as i put my mind to it & grit my way through - in spite of being a woman, in spite of all these sickening gender stereotypes, or wandering lost in the poetic drizzle on my last night till' i found the brooklyn heights promenade overlooking the gorgeous skyline of 'the concrete jungle where dreams are made of'.

the platitude 'new year new me' sounds cliché af but i think it perfectly encapsulates what 2k16 has been for me. sitting on the steps outside ngee ann city civic plaza on the 2nd of january 2016 with bun j talking about our lives & futures ahead i could never have envisaged the adventures i had this year -

the lows were excruciating all time lows: dealing with one of my best college friend leaving college / dealing with feeling at a complete loss wrt my summer plans (by mid feb everyone had their summer nailed down & i still had no clue) / almost missing my flight to nyc bc of an insane visa problem / getting stranded for three days alone in a foreign country / toxic people / emotional exhaustion from feeling played to varying degrees by so many boys & having to pick myself up after every single one of them / dealing with the death of a classmate / dealing with feeling inadequate in almost everything i put my hand to / nights sleeping at 4am & running on caffeine all day bc i was just so overwhelmed with work etc. those nights that i could only sit on my bed & cry for want of someone to hold me, or to help me pull myself together, those nights that i could only sit at utown green suffused with a choking bout of numbness that i couldn't snap out of regardless of how hard i tried - those nights were so tough i sometimes wanted to just efface into the walls forever,

but the highs were also off the charts: the friendships strengthened & restrengthened, the invincible feeling of assimilating into new york city & being there not as a tourist but almost like a local - living, cooking, working, gymming etc., the kickass feeling of making the best out of a curveball thrown my way & feeling in control i.e. when i got stranded in hk on my solitary flight back, experiencing the high of being suffused with so much affection in my heart with cuddles & kisses - albeit temporal, of waking up somedays feeling so beautiful in my own skin, of finally stepping up to something that had scared the crap out of me & realising it really wasn't as scary as i had imagined in my head/surpassing my personal expectations by nearly hitting the 20k mark, of discovering that i can always find my inspiration in the gym, of conquering my first GA module even as i had felt so little at the beginning as the only soph - all these little & big victories culminating into the rollercoaster highs i experienced running throughout 2k16 -

2k16 was an insane year swinging on two ends of the spectrum & leaving no middle ground, but i wouldn't have had it the easy way either. personal growth is so important to me, & i aspire to keep growing, to keep improving, to keep experiencing. i have never forgotten that the good things in life are all from You, even though sometimes i act otherwise, so thank You

& here's to an enriching 2k17. 

dip

i think i spoke too soon

i think i'm tired of everything in the interim, dying to move back but also dreading the rigour of next semester

i miss the gym though - perhaps this is the reason why i'm feeling like this; all i'm doing is eat sleep email read repeat

contentment

i do not dare speak for the future, but as of this very moment:

compared to last winter, i think i am in a much happier state of mind -

i may currently be a half-faced chipmunk but to have taken out my impacted wisdom tooth that had caused me so much agony in my busiest days last semester (i never get headaches but when it was emerging from my gum & chafing against my molar it made my head a wreck) - knowing that i will not have the time & the convenience of staying at home for a stretch of time if i had procrastinated it to next semester

to have gone on a road trip with friends (albeit a short one) - i've always wanted to do something like that but until I took on new york & hong kong alone i don't think my parents ever thought i was capable of leaving sg soil for leisure without them

to have made concrete plans wrt picking up bahasa melayu again - & feeling the euphoric rush of digging up extremely familiar-sounding words long forgotten from the archival recesses of my brain

to be able to envisage & concretely dream about what i'll be doing for half of summer 2k17: this time the prospect of being stranded in a country for a prolonged period of time where its first language will be my fourth (how unparalleled an experience that will be: i survived new york bc its first language is very much mine; i survived hong kong bc its second language is also very much mine; i survived m'sia bc if english fails i know i can count on four & a half years of archival malay to tide me through basic conversations; will i be competent enough after another semester of spanish for it to be my life buoy for *crosses fingers* a month alone in spain?)

to have single-handedly risen up to challenge of the one thing that (just thinking about it) had scared the crap out of me throughout the year, & realise at this point in my life that i am not only still holding up but also close to the 10k mark

to be able to spend my days sprawled on the couch to read, read & read / or spend 3am mornings vicariously living through the lives of highly idealistic, fictitious korean characters

& lastly, to have felt the affectionate grip of a warm hand as we cruised through christmas wonderland together

if this is not contentment i don't know what this is.

to give in to the flow

zhuangzi was right - the world is far too vast & too complex to be weighed down by the concretisation of things that cannot be concretised by & into mere labels. i could never understand how his life philosophy could be a perpetual whirlwind of abstrusity when i first entered college but now i think i know better & gradually understand; as i find myself growing & exposing myself to the obscurities in the world in thought & action do i realise there is indeed no manichean world, only the shelteredness of a bubble-like environment intending to deceive you into thinking there exists one ruled by labels & structures, to trick you into conforming to the falsity of absolute morality & order.

jesus teaches us to condemn the sin & not the sinner: in the same vein, it is possible to feel for the action but not for the person. it is possible to not feel & feel all at once. it is the other half of the feeling that twenty is prime. it is also possible to deceive your heart into thinking it is a momentarily a fireplace - loneliness makes it all possible, but i will not damn loneliness to the depths of hell bc it teaches me things about myself that i have hitherto not known. i am just thankful for communication & a truck ton of honesty, with myself, & with the people around me.

i am a complex being - paradoxical, confused, a language person, a visual person, a touch person - amongst many others that i may not have found words for. but i am so human, & for that i am thankful.

winter break

make plans, concretise, do something - if only to feel better, to feel more alive. just don't stay idle & let your thoughts roam free to disempowering places. be your own rice.

on the emptiness of touch

i close my eyes
& all i can see,
in the sea of blackness,
of nothingness -
emptiness from touch belonging to a time
already parted from the world that is
again
solely mine.
all i can see is
the fusion of two lips
filling the crevices of each other perfectly;
from afar we would have looked
too close, too connected - unreal.
doesn't matter who,
just the what -
just the sensation of
"all things mellow in the mind".

--

even now i miss -
roll out the carpet to fill the gaping hole
in my chest, for want
of returning to the sensation of
being held
from the back,
just like twin foetuses in bed,
your hand in mine,
the other engulfing my waist,
dreaming together;
but whose hand doesn't matter,
it could be yours, or yours.
what matters is the tightness of its grip in mine -
the sensation of finally someone not letting go.
fleeting, yes, but let me dream -
even if it is merely
until daylight.

on ending the semester

looking back after every semester over the past three semesters of college thus far i've always been in awe of how i've emerged - stronger, alittle wiser, alittle bolder, alittle clearer about how i've come to understand myself, & how writing about it has never failed to reconstruct abstruse thoughts into more concrete like structures, & how certain old habits still die hard - my fondness for lowercases & my adamant dislike for punctuations bc they break the fluidity of the streams of consciousness in my head such that separating thoughts into sentences would render them inorganic -

but this semester had been particularly trying - emotionally, academically & even interpersonally - having to deal with loss, mourning, the fierce rigour of concussing with the sciences (which i'd hitherto eschewed from the moment i could), toxic people, inertia, failure (or feeling like a failure, feeling like i was holding up the ceiling & it was finally crashing), traversing through grey spaces, facing my fears - 

i think in this semester i've lost count of how many times i had gotten so angry with myself for being such a paradoxical character - confusing myself (& confusing others ??) bc i could never find a solution to reconciling both dichotomic strands of myself; deciding in the end that i'll go with the flow & go ahead until it stops feeling right - how do i reconcile my inclination towards structure with a simultaneous desire to grow & abandon myself into free-falling - to try new things & to live, live & live in the moment without letting sense & sensibility kill every attempt at giving myself up to the feeling that 20 is prime, that being in the prime years of my life gives me free lease to do whatever the hell i want, to experience whatever i can get my hands on & to never stop growing, to try a myriad of things so that i'll make more informed choices in the future, even if it means listening to the freudian voices in my head as long as they still feel somewhat right - 

this semester i've learnt to speak up in class alittle more, to believe in my abilities (even though half the time i still feel like an imposter with nothing substantial to offer to the world), to stop crippling myself with expectations (in all plausible aspects) - to try, give it my all & let it rest at that - sometimes people (including profs.) like what you have to offer & some don't, & sometimes you win but other times you lose - i am here to receive an education & it is invariably for me, not to cripple me by restricting how i experiment with my words, thoughts or ideas - & definitely my perceived self-worth i.e. the entire grades = self-worth battle we all go through. 

i've learnt that nothing is static - certainly not i: every semester i find myself alittle more liberal than i had been the previous semester; my thoughts & conception of what remains acceptable & not have constantly evolved & expanded & i'm thankful for old friends who see that side of me & still embrace me for who i am & have become. i am constantly pushing boundaries (these structures) within me (in more ways than one) & realising that it is indeed increasingly possible to separate the emotional from the physical (even though touch is my ultimate love language), or to let live in the moment without defining which stage of life i'm at. i guess you could say i am happy with where i am, even though where i am will definitely keep changing, like everything around me. 

i've learnt that touch is an incredibly dangerous love language to have - do i harbour fondness for the person who gives me the hugs & cuddles i pine for, who can hold me when i am in need of someone to hold etc., or for the sensation of feeling like i am loved & valued? through the various suite parties i've been to i've realised that even with alcohol i am still cognizant of my surroundings (albeit incredibly tired) - i know what i am doing, but experience my threshold for what's acceptable & not lowering by a gaping notch (as celine explained to me last night with her ubc knowledge: alcohol lowers inhibitions more than it lowers sobriety i.e. we may still be sober but find unacceptable ways of behaviours increasingly acceptable bc we are gradually doing away with the societal constraints we put upon ourselves to act with propriety). i end up hugging & holding hands with platonic guy buddies a lot when we're dancing - & the fact that i remember all these after waking up from a whirlwind night is just indicative of how i've never been completely drunk before. but i guess that will be the way i express love & friendship to people i care about in a world void of societal constraints, & i am not abashed to admit this, even though i definitely don't come across as a touchy person (touch is an important love language to me precisely bc i don't go around hugging people i am not familiar with? but if i like you as a friend i'll probably wrap my arms around your neck if you're a straight female (bc backhugs! r! the! best!) - i wish i could do it with male buddies too but i guess i wouldn't want to send the wrong signals so i'll only do it when i'm terribly inebriated perhaps).  

i've learnt that kindness is probably the most important trait i am looking for in a prospective partner - i've overlooked it for so long but through & through i've realised it's the subtle trait that determines if something feels right or not. i believe the marker of a right relationship should be feeling like the other person brings out the best in me - that is: making me think of god (whom i also tend to forget very easily) - to be able to talk about god as a friend & to be able to joke about our relationship with god without taking offence; of being a kinder person, especially towards my family whom we all tend to show our nastiest side towards (which is why i absolutely hate it when people throw around the word 'family' so easily - no, if we meet just once a week we are not a family, if we are a community of individuals who don't really know each other we are also not a family - family's only family if you are completely yourself around them i.e. the way you talk to your parents after a terrible day at school, or when your hormone levels are sky-high wonky bc you are on your period etc.), and making me feel most myself i.e. when i can express my opinions freely without feeling like i'm being slighted, when i don't feel like i have to pander to anything to make you like me, when i can show you my quirks & laugh about it without feeling i have to be ashamed about it. kindness seems to be the basis of love - it's so important that someone is genuinely kind bc it really shapes the way they see the world, and the way they treat people, including strangers. on an abrupt & alternate note: i've also learnt that even after things are done & dusted that there will always be something special about the first of experiences. 

i've learnt that it is a blessing to be able to come home to something - that material riches are ultimately still secondary to the way i feel so loved when my mum brisk-walks out of her room when i come home, or when my dad calls me his "lucky star" & "dear girl". money is important but marx frames it well when he says it should merely be a means to an end. in the end, love is still what grounds me & fills me up inside. 

& finally, of the little things: i've learnt that when i listen to certain tracks they unlock a hidden part in my soul that drives the way i feel, love & act; & how music is a social activity - it really strengthens friendships, which i am so thankful for. i've learnt that the gym is my battlefield where i will ultimately emerge victorious - i guess you could say it's second to only jesus, whenever i feel like i flop or a blob i'll pray and/or go for a workout & then feel like i can do life again. i've learnt that my favourite view in college is overlooking the saga towers from the elm courtyard at night after a good workout session & cigs after sex/bublé/oh wonder in my ears - there is just something about seeing the community & physical space i live in light up / the stillness of the night juxtaposed against the bright lights emanating from rooms with people still awake at 12 midnight, & the moon (bc penprase & bc i've never looked at the moon in the same way ever since) (i gym at such an odd hour bc i love to end my day feeling like i've invested in myself through & through). i've learnt that supper is still my favourite meal & happiness is as simple as nissin's tomyum cup noodles past midnight. i've learnt that suite parties are the best kind of parties bc it is the only time i can reconnect with my ultra busy friends and/or finally make friends with acquaintances i keep seeing around school. i've learnt that four shots in under fifteen minutes will make me throw up, but through that i've also learnt that friends who let you lean on them (literally)/ feed you water when the sleepy drunk you is on the verge of making a bed out of the floor/ pull your hair out of the sink when you're throwing up/ see you back to your suite & even cycle you back when the distance is a ten minute walk within the campus / clean up your unceremonious puke on their floor without annoyance at its inconvenience or disgust - they are all keepers. i've learnt that (perhaps) i can actually do (basic) astrophysics (& now i also know what exoplanets are & how they work, which i am quite proud of). i've also learnt that i am perhaps a more determined person than how i perceive myself to be. i've also learnt that it is possible to cram 23 topics into two days if i put my mind into it (& camp at the library from morning to the wee hours of the next morning). i've also learnt that in a warped way i can now appreciate examinations for forcing me to go through content i'd otherwise be too lazy to absorb. i think i really appreciate the half-&-half emphasis on both papers & exams - i was lucky this semester to have only two finals, out of four. it's a good balance between learning how to think for myself & mastering content i.e. feeling like i've walked away from an entire semester with concrete knowledge & definitions. in a way it is a microcosm of the paradox inherent in me - the strife between needing structure & freedom simultaneously. 

it's funny how it's so human to complain when the going gets tough but having conquered the semester: at exactly the halfway mark i will still proclaim deep down that this place feels so right. 

monologue in my head

tuesday night: i allowed myself to lie in the grave of consuming insecurities - soil by soil they were tossed upon me. i could do nothing but lie there as waves of apathy hit me, clung onto me, pulled me, away, out into sea. just consume me, i said, as if i don't already know what you're telling me. all my life i've felt like i've been constantly struggling to keep it all together, as if, as if i was not trying hard enough to make everything work simultaneously. dance? i didn't want to dance. i just wanted to lie there, to sit in the silence, throw my hands into the air & give in to the flow, just for that night. but dance i did, & being around positive people was exactly what i needed to feel like i could rise again.

a little setback is nothing - & i will be able to pick myself up again. if anything i will build my definition of self on being able to rise after the fall - after countless falls.

wednesday night:

the mirror in the gym is my best friend & my battlefield. 

"invest? so much for investing, when sometimes hard work just doesn't pay off."
"the world runs on a wholly different tangent from what you want it to be."
"this is stupid, why am i trying to hard again?"
"the world thinks you have your shit together but you actually don't."
"give it up."

"shut up. you're a fighter. now pick yourself up & fight."

"work. all the more you should work doubly hard." 

"don't let one inconsequential stumbling block get you down."

"failures & feeling like a failure are necessary in life." 

"what's more important is picking yourself up, so stand up now, & now & now"

"you can do this denise, continue to invest, continue to hustle." 

"now who was the one who successfully took on new york alone again?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who successfully made her nyc boss really happy with her work?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who got stranded in hong kong for > three nights, 

but managed to handle everything by herself, just like a true adult?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who was resourceful enough to navigate herself to visit even out of reach tourist places while stranded in hong kong, even without a cell phone connection/data?"

"me!"

"now who was the one who successfully claimed insurance for the 

typhoon episode in hong kong & thus have an additional five hundred in her bank?"

"me!"

"now who will believe in herself bc these experiences just point to how kickass she is?"

"me!"

"now who will continue investing in herself?"

"me!"

came out of the gym with this reverberating line in my head:

"believe in yourself bc no one else would. invest in yourself bc no one else would. sell yourself bc no one else would." 

i am inherently a sloth, but ending the day feeling like i've given my best & sweated out all the 'mopeyness' of life remains one of my most favourite feelings ever. 

flux

this makes me feel like i'm in a flux, a good kind of flux

想通了

just returned from the gym after a two week long hiatus bc the past two weeks have been (i think) the craziest academic season i've experienced thus far from this college & i have missed this feeling so much - tucked in bed after a hot shower with sore limbs knowing that i have ended my day investing in myself through & through - health, beauty, confidence etc.

i am slowly owning my name & making it mine: 凯励 - the former a character for victory (& glory); the latter for hard work. i know good names are given in hopes of becoming prophetic destinies, but to think it encapsulates perfectly my mindset for this season of my life. i will constantly strive towards victory, with nothing but pure, unadulterated hard work. i am twenty, & twenty is prime. 

walking back from the gym, my heart could do nothing else but soar from its chest. i have a far from perfect life, but life now (i can't speak for the future but at this very moment) feels so, so right, & i am content. i have a loving family, & parents who look forward to my homecoming every weekend / i have mended the relationships i thought i was ready to give up - & if one day (god forbid) i ever lost the chance to, i know i wouldn't beat myself up over being too petty, or too naive to think that life is predictable & people live forever. death is a sobering thought, & it teaches me & the people it leaves behind how to carpe diem the shit out of life / i survived writing a full-blown chemistry lab report involving something as complex as nmr spectroscopy when i hadn't taken chemistry since i was sixteen / i can finally tell you who the heck tocqueville, durkheim or weber are - heck i can even tell you who khaldun is & explicate his philosophy of social organisation, or tell you why marx is actually not as crazy as the future leaders who took & warped his philosophy make him sound. knowledge is such an empowering thing - studying for mst was crap but finally seeing the light span from a tunnel into an entire spectrum remains one of my most favourite feelings ever / i exceeded my laughter quota today: miks came over & we all had such a great laugh as old friends; charis' shoulder is still as sturdy as ever for an exhausted me (who ran from classes to classes/work for seven consecutive hours) to lean on, & soh has been over so many times she already feels like an honorary member of our college / i had a good workout at the gym / i am independent, with nothing to weigh me down, i am free to fly & do as i please, i am free to be myself, free from having to curate my actions for the sake of someone else, or make myself any lesser, or pin the way i perceive myself on a counterpart

 - there are so many little things to be thankful for. 

if busyness has taught me one thing it's that i get stupid thoughts in my head when i am idle. decided to take on the final project before calling it quits, & i can foresee how much busier i'll become but i am actually beyond hyped to put myself out there again, even if it inevitably entails feeling out of my element again. feel the need to scream this out but !! how liberating it is to no longer give a damn about something so inconsequential like blue ticks that used to peeve the crap out of me !! or whether my messages are being reciprocated with equal intensity !! how liberating it is to be freed from pining itself, even though half the time i could never put a finger to what i was pining for. a hand to hold? the prized sensation of two separate lips fusing into one? i don't know. i was constantly finding an idol to pin all my lost affections on, but of course idols never satisfy. though this is not to discount the quality of the company - they were all good while they lasted, & i am thankful for all of them. they were all nothing, but while they were happening in real-time they made me feel pretty damn alive to be able to feel again. 

interests are fleeting but education leading to self-empowerment is forever. i don't know what took me so long but it's this realisation that education is the only thing that will be unwaveringly for you, in multiple senses of the word. love will come when it comes, & i will wait for it - but i am done pursuing it. 

i know my worth, & i will not let the world determine it on my behalf. 

processing

the way we trivialise "bye" and "see you" in our interactions with one another, taking them as given - bc how can there be any finality when the contrary is never at the back of our minds until past the breaking point?

the way i close my eyes & all i can remember are the little, inconsequential things that i didn't know i even picked up from when i saw you last, on monday; the way i'll always come to class & you'll already be there, black windows laptop & all with your black charger plugged into the wall, giving me a smile (that now it makes sense, it was a sad smile, it had always been a sad smile but i had simply thought it was tiredness, like we all are to different degrees) as we exchanged "hi"s & prepared for yet another lecture.

the way we hardly interacted but i still did (secretly) consider you as one of my closer friends in that class bc you were one of the few who would acknowledge me with a smile if we did bump into each other outside of class, & bc it became an unspoken standardisation of some sort that we would always be sitting at the same table for almost every single lesson - & how i remember specifically last monday it was just you and me at that table bc j sat at the back for the first time.

the way i find it so sad that we as a community - so capable of warmth and love in the aftermath, have retracted into our little shells & chosen the easier way of indifference in our interactions with each other - the way i have been guilty of choosing indifference over kindness bc it is just less tiring to detach emotionally than be caught up over whether your smile to an acquaintance was reciprocated or not.

the way i am so moved & proud of the strong support system we have here - was tearing up last night at every single email either from the administration or the professors who all genuinely understand the need to drop everything & just sit with processing it as a human being dealing with loss, tearing up at how our rector spent the night sleeping in a sleeping bag in the common lounge just so anyone who didn't want to get through the night alone could have someone - a physical being, there for them (how powerful a symbol that is); yet even with all these support systems in place how much of them were enough? will they ever be enough?

the way this made me realise you'll never know how far reaching an impact you have on people until it's done - how everyone here has been shaken in one way or another, just to varying degrees.

the way this hits so close to home bc this college is just too damn small, & more so bc it's a startling realisation that it is possible, & that we are only & merely three years old.

the way i really hope you found solace in that moment, in that choice.

hello recess week

when the world tells me i'm not enough, in so many different ways
i will say: to hell with you all
& invest, invest, invest
in making myself stronger, better, smarter.

thankful for feelings

have always been a feeling person & i know sometimes when things get hard i always wish i didn't have this thing called feelings but "be careful what you wish for" bc if one day i really awoke without the ability to feel anything i know that is when i'll be truly gone.

this morning i know i am still saved bc plugging into tame impala still has the ability to make my world feel brighter than it already is, & for that i am thankful.

¿por que? porque

"sí, corté mi pelo para marca una nueva dirección en mi vida." 

am being ambitious but i'm going to start practicing conversational bahasa melayu again while picking up spanish, even though they (sometimes) overlap with each other in my head.

i will only hold on to the languages worth holding on, para mí. 

thru

not anymore -

gave myself till last night & last night is gone.

the circle is full & now it's closed. 

stared at my reflection in the mirror & wondered how

i could be passed off -

not once

but twice. 

stared at my reflection in the mirror & wondered how

i had thus let myself go.

not anymore. 

feelings fool & are fools,
but i'll be the biggest if i didn't know
truly how much i'm worth.
& i know.

picking up

rested & ready to run again.

spent my night doing up my belated summer reflection - am determined more than ever to not let the experiences & above all the confidence i'd gained from over the summer to go to waste. i will invest in my education, i will be the very best i can be.

here's the familiar feeling i thought i'd forgotten

inches steep in backlogged work but all i can only bring myself to do almost every night is sit at utown green & wish i had someone to hold me in times like these. and to think i thought i had enough happiness to fuel me for this entire semester. giving myself a hiatus before i get my act together again.

don't want to reach out to anyone bc it's not fair but i do, i do, i do.

thoughts from union square

i spent friday night camping at caprice's by sophie with an iced matcha latte vacillating between work i.e. revamping the web / redesigning headers etc. & picking up sheryl sandberg's lean in to read. work won eventually bc i hate loafing on the job (i think i very much operate on reciprocality in most aspects of my life & this in particular stems from having worked with people who were just terrible team players) & by the time i was done it was nearly eight & the cafe was closing but i couldn't find it in myself to return to the apartment & face new people i don't really like / also i couldn't put down the book bc it spoke (still speaks) volumes to me so i headed to manhattan to find another cafe to read in before i left at ten to roam the city's streets at night / soak in alittle bit more of new york bc i will definitely miss this place so much. which is slightly surprising considering how homesick i was in the initial week of being here. i was walking through union square itself & it brought back memories of meeting my homie y for dinner there on my first day of being officially alone (how we had melted into spasms of happiness when we finally found each other & she had exclaimed "it's so good to see familiar people here"). i also remember (in retrospect) how on the morning of the following day i had cried from the pangs of acute loneliness when it finally sunk in that i was completely alone with ten more weeks to go & then told myself to suck it up & get ready for my second day of work.

walking through union square tonight i was in an entirely different place: with my heart expanding in my chest & my mind reeling from what i'd just read, i embraced my independence & celebrated the voice in my head that continues to affirm me this entire summer experience has indeed been the living embodiment of her advice. i have confronted & conquered something that (just thinking about it previously) had scared the living shit out of me i.e. to live & work alone in a big, foreign city (like sandberg points out i will stop thinking i am a scam & also stop downplaying my little victories - i would like to think i've been producing good work, esp if my boss continues to prefer my redesigned documents over the content his own hired graphic designer has been producing). i think it's this realisation that what looks initially almost impossible is in reality much easier to accomplish (this entire living & working alone experience turned out to be so much easier than i had envisaged in my head) that is giving me so much hope for the new semester ahead. part of me is so excited to apply this to fundraising because fundraising still scares the shit out of me - up till now i only have a vague idea of how to go about raising money for the next conference (& i can already anticipate how busy i will get / how much failure or rejection i'll meet along the way) but the only way to grow is to face it head-on & hope i won't die so badly in the process. & i know i'll have people to turn to along the way if i fall so i am pretty excited to see how everything will pan out. maybe i'll actually turn out to be kickass at it once i get the hang of it (just like how i remember feeling nervous af when i was told i would be completely taking over the reigns of all of the organisation's social media accounts - how was i going to shape the org's public image through the content i was churning or reposting /  how was i going to constantly come up with fresh content when i felt like i couldn't design shit? turns out it's completely manageable with practice & there are tools to simplify the process of graphic designing etc. - as a sidenote i remember how i used to spend all 7+ hours at work trying to think of what social media content to post but now i've evolved to spending only the last hour on social media). my boss once told us both interns he thinks college is over-rated; that we haven't even graduated yet but are doing the very jobs people are doing after getting their college degrees. i don't think he realised how big a compliment that was to me. till then i had always believed the workplace to be a scary place where people did corporate things way out of my league or scope of expertise. i didn't realise how i had completely undermined my skills myself, skills that i had gained & sharpened from being on the job. & this is why i must continue to do things which make me tremble: there is really nothing like experiential learning.

i have to skype qt um tomorrow for delegations work - which also reminds me that joining yma was a leap i had taken (& am still taking) to grow my skill set. i still have so much to learn & i will continue to grow until nothing fazes me anymore !!!

empowerment: internal / external

how lucky am i to have days where i am happy with myself - to feel unabashedly beautiful about how i look with that winged liner hiding beneath my very shades that complements the new work bag i'd been coveting for awhile; to feel so at one with myself & with how i am presenting myself to the world, to feel so empowered as i join a throng of other new yorkers under the morning manhattan sun - all of us walking with a sense of purpose to a deliberate destination i.e. our respective offices for work; to feel like i really know what i am doing with my life - having an overarching scheme of some sort & a vague idea of how i'm getting there: a non-profit this year, a corporate next year & a shot for the big fish in penultimate year (along with my career dreams i've also realised how my wardrobe has simultaneously started to evolve, hence probably explaining my personal phenomena of stocking up & chalking up so much $$$ for certain staples - i know it's terrible but i'm kind of a go big or go home type of girl; also my mantra for spending money is money can always be earned back but regret can't - especially in a foreign country - you feel me? ok i kid i just bought not one but two pairs of heels from zalora i'm horrible but yes money can always be earned back next sem !!! ).

how lucky am i that on days like these material goods can actually make me happy, that happiness can simultaneously emanate from both the inside & outside. summer has lifted the cloud that was cyclical, intangible sadness / nothingness that had consistently resurfaced / persisted throughout the entire previous semester. i hope i have stored enough fuel to run on happiness starting sophomore year.

stirring inside of me is a determination to return stronger & more beautiful than ever (in every single aspect of its connotation). & if boys can't handle this bolder version of me i guess i'll just wait for the workplace where a couple of years more goes a long way (i think i've realised how i'm a different breed from most girls esp wrt how i pursue clarity & i used to wonder if it was a curse but why should i change who i am for anybody just to get somebody???) i think i have finally come to my senses: if i have to feel disempowered at the mercy of someone even once again i am honestly better off alone - i've been alone this entire summer with the freedom to do whatever i want i.e. flirt if i'd wanted to & flirt sometimes i did bc i am proud to capitalise on my gift as a woman & honestly it's been nothing short of liberating. also i didn't know it myself but i must be pretty good with guys in this part of the world bc besides my intern bae i've been hanging out with mostly if not only male friends???? from settling into nyc / yss kids / boston to dc if you have been watching my vids or vlogs of some sort you'll know what i mean. realising that the problem isn't with me has definitely freed me from the delusion that it is my fault for failing to find someone i can proclaim i love. but if i ever do you can definitely count on me to say it boldly - it's what i will be waiting for this entire time, until then.

love?

the residue from a conversation last evening - the nature of a thought festering at the back of your head that had hitherto been only privy to you changes form when it manifests from your own mouth and you surprise yourself, surprise yourself at how weird it sounds when vocalised - "i realised i cannot truly say i have loved someone before - no, not in that sense" "oh...isn't that kind of...sad?" "i guess i just haven't found someone i would go that deep for" - to not have truly loved or felt truly loved at twenty - that hit me. fondness had always smoldered away - was always soldered thin under the solder of an overarching reason or inopportune timing, but whatever it was the glue had always been built on tenuous bricks of compromise anyway. maybe this is why memories have a stranglehold over me. for a girl who pursues absolute clarity i think i scare people away most of the time.

this thought, coupled with monday blues (especially after such an eventful weekend), made me pretty blue today, & when i accidentally smashed my earpiece on the table top while trying to plug it into my iphone i told myself f the gym & made up my mind that i was going to head down to soho to get a new earpiece from the apple store. either way i just didn't feel like returning to the apartment so soon - i wanted to sit somewhere alone to write, to think, to be undisturbed in quietness. survived on fourteen percent of battery before it finally died & i had no way of redirecting myself to union square where there are park benches so i had a change of plans - i hadn't properly solitarily shopped since forever (the times waiting for people do not count bc they were incidental / somehow i always stumbled into stores with mega discounts while waiting for people) & everywhere i looked were symbols of consumerism so i caved in - but i am so thankful i did bc it may sound exaggerated now but this romper i tried on & really, really fancied made me feel like life would be well again (don't get me wrong i am so thankful to be here & life is mostly good but when i feel like i'm in a rut it is easy to negate all the good & wallow in the bad) - my point is: this is the power of feeling beautiful, of feeling beauty emanate & exude from inside your system. when i tried it on in the dressing room i felt so chic / i could almost envisage bae jenn wearing something like that & it made me feel so happy to feel attractive in what i was wearing again (my suitcase fashion isn't exactly spectacular - mostly filled with jeans of different shades i don't need). i rmb telling v over the weekend this is the very reason why i adore make-up - the physical act of getting ready & putting on a more defined version of my face makes me feel psychologically put together. i am not cancelling my features - i am highlighting them & giving them life. this is also the predominant reason why i still bothered with upkeeping my appearances at the end of semester one when i had felt like absolute crap - i rmb telling someone who asked "even if i feel like crap inside at least i look good on the outside - can you imagine if both were crap i'll just be a shitpile."

feeling beautiful & revelling in the confidence it brings makes me feel self-sufficient & whole - i may be a half but until i find the other i will continue to feel whole. this entire experience in nyc has just been growing my individuality - the feeling of oneness with myself & the city while walking down the vast streets, the dearth of anxiety in my system even when my battery grows flat (stemmed from the confidence that i do know manhattan well enough to navigate myself back), the entire business of cooking my own lunch/dinner & doing my own laundry in a laundromat etc.

i will keep growing until nothing fazes me anymore. but for now, sleep. for a new day tomorrow.

the world could do with more love

have never been one to be moved by the news ever since five year old me huddled in a bedroom with my family watched a plane crash into the twin towers on the news - perhaps bc the bad stuff had always seemed so geographically distant from my position of perceived safety. but being here & seeing the entire nation rocked by the aftershock of the orlando shooting - i've always been neutral about the entire lgbtq issue (not perceiving it as inherently wrong but not entirely right either i.e. constant confusion about how god fits into this overarching picture & how if he does then is it still biological or shaped by environmental factors??) but this morning i awoke with a heavy heart at the press' release of more detailed news trying to make sense of this entire hullabaloo & shed a tear or two bc the world could really do with so much more love. & replaying the white house's address just to hear president obama voicing out what is so important "the shooter targeted a nightclub where people came together to be with friends, to dance and to sing, and to live" - to live, how that word rings empty through the vestiges of life itself, thinking to myself, just leave them be, leave them in their place of "solidarity and empowerment"; we are all entitled to our own opinions, just as they (as human beings) are entitled to theirs.  

i'd always loved scrolling through fb to laugh at stupid videos but recently all i see are videos which make my heart heavy.

how do i put it into words

just today on the subway to work i was thinking about how fortunate i am to be doing this - something unthinkable & rendered absolutely insane by my (preconceived) definition. & then it hit me & i realised i am the embodiment of the elusive & abtruse conception of a person i had admired years ago in junior college: the young adult who embarks on an internship overseas in a vast city without accompanying friends, the solitary warrior who has to settle in a foreign land & make friends only after arriving here, the valiant soul who has to fight off loneliness & find peace with being alone or doing things alone. in my head i had pictured a third year or final year college student - it had seemed "adult" enough to be travelling and living alone in a foreign country away from the bubblewrap comfort of home. but here i am - as a freshman who still feels like a child inside irrespective of the immense growth from the past year. the bed i am sitting on right now still feels as comfortable as the bed that sits at home 15 280 kilometres away - it still baffles me that i am so far away. i cannot reconcile that i am the figure i had looked up to years ago, but i am so incredibly humbled & proud - & how do i describe this ambivalent paradox of emotions. nevertheless i am unabashed to proclaim that i am proud of myself - proud that i have managed to concretise my new year's resolution as early as mid-year, for the first time since forever. in retrospect, it turns out i did not have to look that far. & seeing the close friends around me already settled in on pursuing their respective summers (mostly) living alone, just like me - a group of people of my age literally dotted across the globe - buenos aires, taiwan, australia, india, paris etc. - how they make my experience here seem like the natural thing to do. i don't feel my age - i still feel like i am thirteen inside most of the time, but i absolutely love how this culture of travelling/living/working alone in a foreign city already feels so normalised even though we are mere first year college kids. i took a leap bc i told myself if i could do new york city alone as a mere freshman i would be able to do anything in life. 

i am here,
& i have never felt more alive,
or more capable of achieving my future career goals.

tonight my cup overflows, & i thank You with all of my heart.

indescribable

my name is denise, i am twenty, and every part of me feels alive here, 
here in new york city.

thoughts on nyc

i haven't written since the morning of tuesday the twenty fourth when i woke up all alone in an empty room of an apartment in flatbush & it hit me like a brick smashing through my ribcage how most of the people i love are 15 280 kilometers away from me & how i'll have eleven more weeks to go before the familiarity of home; how i would pause on the way from the subway to work & look on in silence as the plane above me roared and traversed through the sky, wishing to god that i were on it; how the twelve hour time difference made me treasure early mornings or late nights so much more, how the loneliness of being the only one here in this vast city would kill me alittle on the inside. i never really understood homesickness until then - but how lucky i am to have somewhere to miss, & somewhere to ground me. 

having what had hitherto comprised my world on the other end of the globe has made me so open to making new friends & rekindling old acquantainces: to latch on to every friend i meet like a lifeline, to initiate conversations & to be curious about what makes them tick / how do they feel about where they come from etc. perhaps the magic of this city is meeting mere acquaintances & realising how capable we are of having good conversations - nearly the kind of conversations i have when with old friends. 

breaking away from home & the world i have (momentarily) left behind has been such a liberating feeling: this is my summer - my time to grow. to roam. to fly. pre-summer was precisely (nearly) a wreck bc i knew i needed to fly without clipped wings - & fly i will. but i've also realised the little parts of me i've left behind over the past year - emotions invested / the familiarity of things and people - these things still move me, even when they are knocking on closed doors. i've realised they still tug at my heartstrings despite being so far away because i have gone past the point of invalidating their existence. there are only good memories left. and they were beautiful while they lasted. 

growing. a word that encapsulates this season i am in. 

giant-slayer

have been looking forward to summer since the end of february but now that summer is finally here the beginning has been utterly rough & ruthless - have met with so many curveballs thrown my way & have been feeling blue most of the time but this just takes the cake:

god You don't do a work halfway, & i know You make a way when there seems to be no way. this will be the summer of my life bc You have seen it from the start & will see it until the end. i pray for tomorrow to be smooth-sailing somehow, i know with certainty how powerful You are, & i will pull divine strings.

i will still choose to proclaim Your goodness.

after thought

i looked up to the ceiling, felt myself effacing into the crowd like smoke dispersing itself on its upward trajectory, half-inebriated, the synergy of bodies chafing against one another to the beat that was drumming so loudly it hurt my ears yet felt so alive in my body it was moving me, arms strewn up, was i imaginary? body to body, packed like sardines - if this were the mrt i would have hated my lot but this was the place where people lost themselves to the collective effervescence of a crowd, lost themselves to their loneliness, lost themselves to insobriety (& impropriety), who are you but it's fine bc i am lonely & in need of company, so this is what it feels like to have somebody to hold - 

last night was a whirlwind and it left me thinking: do we feel ourselves going out of character bc we are losing ourselves or bc we are set on the trajectory for growth & to fully initiate ourselves into adulthood we have to undergo this phase (almost like a "rite of passage") where we normalise things previously frowned upon by our own conservative selves? this entire week thus far has felt like a true "inauguration" into adulthood - had a haircut & dye for the summer i.e. a new season, am embracing the last few days of residential living independence, booked an appointment to the dentist without anyone telling me to - before i fly off to the states i really wanted to replace my crumbly retainers & check my teeth but now my bank account is gaping like the hole that was in my molar, packing the remnants of my first year of college life into a suitcase & preparing my heart to move out of this room/suite that i have grown so accustomed to, to abandon my school-social life-gym routine that i have been sticking to for the past semester, ladies night & learning with pleasure that i'm getting better at the one thing i set out to learn in college i.e. to drink bc it is such an important social skill, setting up a sam account bc i need to pay my mrv before i can schedule an appointment to the embassy for my visa, & fretting over expenses bc the bulk of it went into my teeth & visa etc.

i have so many residual thoughts on ending freshman year here that trickle periodically like a dripping stalagmite (hence explaining so many after thoughts) - it has been a season of introspection & expression, but here is one thing that i can say for sure: this place still feels so right, despite the occasional blueness whatsoever. my homies just sneaked up on me on two separate occasions to celebrate my birthday two weeks in advance bc they know i won't be spending my 20th in sg this year - & what can i say but college gave me more than just growth: it has blessed me with friends who will go for night walks with me whenever i need conversational catharsis, friends who will splurge nine bucks on a slice of cake to celebrate my growth with me (which i never got to eat after a mouthful bc it turned bad when held captive, but still), friends who made the effort to spend more time with me when i experienced sadness from loss or when some boy made me blue, friends who can make me laugh until i'm bent over & nearly crying from stupid things, friends who will knock on my door & count on me to talk about their own problems. i am just so thankful i have found friends i am willing to abandon important things for, & they are the true mvps of freshman year. 

yes i'm changing

have never dared to admit to myself but i have been throwing a closet self-pity party thinking & knowing that i am worth more than all of these but still choosing to wallow in how unfair the cumulative everything has been for me when for others it has been smooth-sailing - so tonight i am going to dance for myself, not out of spite, but out of celebration for my own perceived beauty & worth.

summer is here

this semester i learned how to deal with loss, learned how to deal with my own warped version of independence, learned how to pause in the moments of breathless laughter/good night walks & talks/buttery nights & thank God for the friends i so dearly appreciate in my life, learned how to be there for these same friends when they are feeling blue, learned how to live with graded "b"s even when i thought they would be "a"s, learned how to guard my heart a little better, learned how to thank my rational mind for saving my ass of a heart for the umpteenth time, learned how to become a bolder version of myself (even if it means digging more graves for clarity's sake), learned how to channel residual sadness into working on a better version of myself, learned how to feel unabashed about feeling beautiful & even using that feminine charm to my advantage & above all, learned how 'in their hearts humans plan their course, but the lord establishes their steps' (proverbs 16:9).

god's timing is perfect, & His timing is summer itself.
it has been a really good semester to conclude freshman year, & i am looking forward to a new season in new york.

expression

just returned from tbg 2016 and i am still reeling from the immense, ineffable feeling of how important art is: how important context is; how important culture is; how important finding a medium of expression that feels so you is; how it is really these little things that keep us sane & alive - dancing vicariously through the international/local acts today made me realise how i've not been pursuing the things that light me up on the inside enough; how it has been such a long time since i have felt like i really pushed myself to the limits in expressing myself - i've been so dormant & so cautious in pursuing these things that i love that i've forgotten how much they actually mean to me.

expression - the word that encapsulates this season i am in. 

proverbs 4:23

'calcify, calcify, calcify', all the while the voices in my head rang, 'one more is bonus but without is also fine'.

the first track on my sound cloud playlist in sync with the thud of each foot placed forward on the treadmill - 'expression': how apt a name for the first track (first now & then) i had turned to as an assertion of independence & found to be more than sufficient - to still feel so characterised that if i have to be a track this is definitely it. the mirror is so fittingly placed. you are beautiful. you are attractive. you are a strong, independent entity. you are complete - in Him, yes you are complete. what a cathartic moment it is, feeling the fatigue - of the moment, of the physical, psychological & emotional evaporate with the steam of invincibility rising again from within, emerging; pushing through; triumphing, to feel its manifestation in the lightness of steps with my gaze transfixed all the while ahead. i am flying in tune with 'expression' - i am the expression.

i am human, with the capacity to love but more often than not enamoured with the idea of love. i don't want a golden calf, a mere object i channel and pin all my affections on. i don't want any objects of worship, for the sake of having something to worship.

i will be the walls of jericho, broken asunder by the will of god alone.

snow white

suddenly dawned on me why i have always disliked snow white so much - she is the diametrically opposing archetype of girl goal mulan, the ultimate projection of weakness and idiocy i.e. she pines for a prince from the opening of the classic, puts her entire faith in a bunch of dwarfs she has never met before, is absolutely dependent on (& hence vulnerable to) the kindness of people around her, never attempts to carve out anything on her own accord & is ultimately poisoned by a shiny apple bc she never learns how to say no / has completely no sense of discernment wrt people -

some days i feel like mulan but the reason why i hate snow white with such a vengeance is bc i've realised on days like these, i feel just like snow white - wrapped under my covers in inertia, tired from trying to be mulan all the time.

edit 23:03: had rly good chai, found my nail color that just screams !! denise !!, just stumbled upon some rly feel good indie music & my room smells like a honeysuckle bouquet thanks to my illuminated candle - i am ready to be mulan again (after all, mulan saved china before she found shang)

Your praise will ever be on my lips

truly, what would i do without the knowledge that You are sovereign above all, and will never withhold Your blessings from Your beloved children.

what would i do if i didn't have You, in times of utter despondency or when faced with the crumbling walls of a faux & self-perpetuated optimism. 

what would i do without praise as my sole anthem & weapon, in times of wretchedness? 

i cannot fathom. 

self pep-talk

i will find beauty & inspiration in everything around me. i will proclaim the goodness of god over my life every day. i will tell the good stories. i will stave off any forms of negativity that seeps & plagues & aches in crevices inside the psyche but never value-adds & instead destroys & cremates. i will live with conviction that i am meant for great things. i will smile with my eyes & laugh with my heart. i will stand firm & learn how to say no, even if it means something inside me wavers & dies a little inside. i will be first independent, before anything or anyone else. i will be bold in chasing the things i believe i deserve. above all, i will put myself on the trajectory for continuous improvement - to never stop working on myself; to never stop learning; to never stop feeling good about personal progress, & to continue doing things which make me brim with happiness.

eighteen of my favourite feelings part ii

recess week is finally here & i now have time on my hands so here is the continuation of the next six:

7.  finally nailing something rly difficult

the eureka moment when light tears through the cloak of clouds fogging up my brain & the formless figures suddenly reorganise & shape themselves into something coherent i.e. how i had felt the night before last thursday's qr exam - finally understanding how to enact functional commands on rstudio past midnight (thanks dave if you ever see this). more than that, it is the immense relief emanating from the clenched fist uncurling in my chest & the sinking pit in my stomach evaporating into thin air - the prospect of finally getting a good night's sleep. this is also (usually) a prelude to point two, which calls for a combo.

8. when i am so genuinely, incandescently happy that i just cannot help smiling at everyone & everything

the rare feeling of having my cup overflow: exuding happiness in its unadulterated & most distilled form that i cannot help but smile; to feel my heart beating in my chest with such an invigorating vengeance to live despite the bad; to mouth a quick prayer to god telling Him that i am so thankful to be alive.

everyday i pray to god for little pockets of happiness and sometimes i get more than my lot.

9.  immersing & consequently losing myself in a good book

feeling so at one with the words & characters that i feel i can almost reach out into the pages & hug them: to momentarily forget & transcend the now in the present for the now in then, to feel so understood by someone - even if that person is fictional, for once in a really long time.

“i believe in fiction and the power of stories because that way we speak in tongues. we are not silenced. all of us, when in deep trauma, find we hesitate, we stammer; there are long pauses in our speech. the thing is stuck. we get our language back through the languages of others. we can turn to the poem. we can open the book. somebody has been there for us and deep-dived the words.” (p. 9, why be happy when you could be normal - j.w.) 

one of my most favourite quotes ever

10. surrounding myself with people who are on the same frequency as me i.e. -100 humour

i think life is already hard as it is & laughter should thus be purely recreational & instinctive: mindless laughing at idiotic things is my favourite - if you tell me a joke/point something stupid out to me & i start squatting in the middle of the road that we're walking on, gasping for air (bc i am laughing too hard), you will have succeeded in making me truly happy momentarily.

i rmb once (during the post-As mbs stay with my fav rg people), jal & i both spotted an avocado lying in the middle of the supermarket looking so pitiful & misplaced that we just could not stop laughing / or how i nearly suffocated from laughing when they proceeded to discreetly situate a bag of rocky mountain marshmallows near my face such that i almost face-fived it when i turned around, just bc i had mentioned the night before that i was sleeping on marshmallow cushions i.e. ultra soft mbs cushions). these little things sound so stupid when verbalised in words, but my humour is unabashedly negative hundred (aggravated by how visual a person i am - my imagination just goes crazy on the inside)

11. surrounding myself with like-minded people

i read somewhere in a thought catalog article about extroverted introverts having days when they feel like talking to everyone & days when they do not want to be contacted at all. on days reflecting the former clause, i really love the feeling of surrounding myself with people who have similar perspectives/ideals/humor/beauty&fashion tastes/interests/inclinations/passions/work-ethic etc. as i do bc time spent together usually culminates in high-quality spontaneity & bouncing off each other's ideas i.e. content creation?? in this day & age where it is so easy to feel lonely in a crowd, feeling at one with people reminds me how human interactions can actually bring a lot of good.

13. long & tight hugs with people whom i reciprocally love (keyword: reciprocal)

i never realised touch is my greatest love language (even surpassing quality time which is quite a feat if you know me well enough) until i found out last semester, when it gradually dawned on me the value of physical touch in instantaneously bridging the figurative distances between two people - regardless of romantic/platonic status. (i'm referring to small gestures rather than ... the kind of gooey, inextricable, slimy version of touch). this came even as a surprise to me bc i don't come off as a very touchy person at all but i guess it works conversely for me: i am highly selective precisely bc physical touch is so precious to me.

as such, i love the feeling when physical touch & quality time converges in the form of long & tight hugs (also backhugs !!!!) - they instantly warm my heart & make me feel so loved & full of love.

& who, afterall, doesn't want to feel loved?

my take on independence & love

january has been quite a ride -

in this season i am convinced that god is teaching me how to be truly independent: in rj days i had prided myself on my independence & ability to be stoic to everyone - especially people who didn't carry the guts to break down my social walls (i realise that most of the time i do reward bravery). i didn't have anyone special bc there was hardly any real loneliness - or perhaps it was bc my sole priority was to get my grades in order. i was the less obnoxious version of vivie warren, the perceived "new woman" in no need of any men. in retrospect, that was such an idealistic & faux version of independence bc how could i have called it real independence when nothing could have moved me except my idealised, romanticised version of what i had thought comprised love? it was independence that was not tried nor shaken. 

now that i am here in the now & having to reconcile my notion of independence with that inclination to be cared for by someone (esp in times of acute loneliness that was & still is a package deal of college freshman life), of having to pick up the pieces of finding & losing, i am discovering that true independence is made up of feeling assured of my self worth on good days while simultaneously juggling the dull ache of loneliness & need for company on bad days, of turning that occasional sinking feeling at the prospect of having no chest to lie on into fulfilment through working on myself - working on my skill sets, my health, my fitness, my confidence etc. independence is about making the best out of what i currently have on my own so that i will be ready when the time comes. this independence is about co-existence: accepting that yes indeed i do need someone in my life who can treat a lady right but also simultaneously standing my ground that (regardless) i will be strong for myself & pull my own weight. i think i should start espousing the beauty of strength & its convergence with vulnerability (instead of the beauty of vulnerability alone) - the vulnerability to accept the fact that to feel loved at one point in life is necessary but also the strength to push on with or without love. 

i don't know how my post escalated to something so personal but it has been quite an emotional weekend & having to say good bye to my best guy friend who has been such a pillar of support in my college life hasn't been easy & it triggered a lot of thinking of what independence truly means to me. i will be fine - as i was running on the treadmill at the gym just now & looking at myself in the mirror with fatm in my ears, i started affirming in my head every single good thing about myself as an entity & there came a rising feeling in my chest that whispered how this (if kept up) will be more than enough fuel for me to run on. 

before the iron turns cold

if there is one thing i've learnt about myself from this embryonic semester (wrestled from last semester) is that my affection once lost, is lost forever. once i break free from that cyclic circle of rising & falling, there is truly no turning back: i will only pursue and accept the things i think i deserve. 

(also i have been so busy this january i haven't had proper time to sit down & complete the remaining twelve of my previous post - perhaps after this weekend) 

eighteen of my favourite feelings part i

it was originally supposed to be fifteen favourite feelings (as inspired by claire marshall's yt video which warmed me up inside so incredibly much) but as i listed down things which have made/still make me feel so alive i've found that fifteen is insufficient and i refuse to weigh & subsequently sieve through them bc they are all precious & bc happiness deserves to be celebrated.

so here are eighteen of my favourite feelings in the world: (edit/ i am exhausted from writing so here are the first six)

1. feeling beautiful inside out & having a sense of invincibility emanate from this overarching beauty that refuses to be contained

for days when everything's on point & falls into place perfectly - when i wake up feeling fresh with my heart singing on residual fuel gathered from the contentment of a wonderful night before. when i look into the mirror & the morning light hits my face in all the right angles & i genuinely perceive myself to be beautiful, when my eyelids form properly & my bed tousled hair has some volume & frames my face perfectly. when my outfit of the day encapsulates how i wish to project myself that day. the feeling when i am able to feel that beauty so deeply in my bones that it inevitably translates into a lightness in my steps, a genuine cheeriness in my verbal exchanges with the people around me such that positivity fuels even more positivity & an inexorable belief that i can actually accomplish great things once i stop doubting my own abilities. i absolutely love it when i cannot help but exude self-confidence - narcissistic as it sounds, it is not bc why should i be abashed of feeling beautiful & self-empowered, especially when it does not come by easily? everyone deserves to feel important & beautiful most of the time - if not all the time.

2.  feeling empowered bc i know my shit so well that i am dead sure i can handle any curveballs thrown my way

basically the feeling i get when i am so kickass at the task on hand that i feel like (& also genuinely believe & know) i have everything in control (even though i know God is ultimately in control - or how about rephrasing it such that i know God has placed me in this position to tackle this problem bc He knows that i am the most suitable instrument for this job??) such that i am completely unafraid even at the prospect of things turning awry. it's the feeling i envisage a career woman in command of a successful & large corporation will have & a goal that i will constantly strive towards: to be so good at something that i will not be afraid anymore. (perhaps the predominant thing i miss about my gym days - that feeling of empowerment on the competition mat, of having commanded the attention of all thirteen judges on the panel & having my eyes & game smile fixed on the head judge knowing that confidence can be conveyed through telepathic eye waves)

this is the favourite feeling of capitalising on one's youth - knowing that one's day was well-spent improving on oneself & not idled away in aimlessness like flotsam at sea.

3. feeling so liberated when i creatively express myself & subsequently find that expression to have done my emotions more than enough justice

in claire's video, she mentioned one of the her favourite feelings is creating & i couldn't agree more: creating is indeed such a beautiful thing. when i express myself and find that expression more than adequate for the impetus that drives it (be it via closet singing/dancing/writing) - how do i describe it but summarise it as a feeling of oneness with the self, the feeling of putting something of myself out there in the world (even if it's my own personal journal/in my own room where i am my own audience) & therefore acknowledging my emotions/struggles/thoughts in that process.

writing on inspiration & on whim has always reminded me of me & how i am ultimately still my own rice.

4. the feeling of being able to spend quality time in solitude after my extroverted battery has been expended completely

recharging is so important to me & i relish spending some me time with plugged in music that is solely unique to my taste - music that makes me feel so rad, that celebrates my existence first as an independent entity before anything else. (which reminds me: i have spent the past nineteen plus years of my existence making myself happy, what makes now any different?)

5. walking indoors with kickass music plugged in on a rainy day

this sounds slightly queer but i just recalled there was this certain off day in school - i think it was during reading week when i was generally mopey bc of a whole load of cumulative bullcrap coalescing together but what had made me really happy in that morning which was laundry day was the multiple times where i had to make runs from my room in saga to the laundry room situated in the opposite block: i would take my earpiece with me & turn on my soundcloud playlist (mainly tracks taken from jenn's vids) on my iphone during the short walk from level two of saga to the lift in block b that would take me down to the laundry room - it was pouring on that day & the coolness of twenty four degree weather, coupled with the general absence of people in the vicinity (since it was morning & reading week at that) & the music in my ears together made me feel so damn invincible, like i was the only person that existed & truly mattered - it was a really nice feeling that just complements point four about individuality & solitude.

6.  the warm feeling when my affection or respect for someone is reciprocated with an equal intensity

this applies universally & is not just restricted to the romantic sphere, but also to friendships etc. i love it when someone i appreciate not only reciprocates that feeling in his/her heart but explicitly makes it known to me. i would like to think that i am worthy of not only affection, but also the little courage that it takes to express such a sentiment. which is why i always break out into a smile when i recall how sars & i got closer (recalled this incident bc i wished her tdy !!! happy blessed 21st sars !!!). it was one day in church when the pastor (as done regularly) told the congregation to turn & pay a compliment to the person seated beside one another & sars turned to me & we both agreed that the conventional 'you look beautiful today' sounded too contrived so she told me that she'd been secretly reading my blog & she thought i wrote beautifully & i nearly died inside bc i had hitherto been secretly reading her tumblr & thought her writing unparalleled. when she learnt about it we were just a bubble of happiness reeling in contented shock - it was such a beautiful feeling.

basically the crux of point six lies in feeling so full of love, so loved & so blessed to be loved. after all, everyone wants to love & feel like they are being loved in return.

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i shall continue the next twelve when i am in the mood to write again (i have twelve more predetermined pointers to expound on & it is a feat) it's been only six points but i am coming to the realisation (again) that happiness can actually be so small.