playing the long game

i recently chanced upon a reel that encapsulates how i want to frame the way i view juggling a full-time career in tandem with being a mother of two young kids. 

there was actually a period about a month ago where this precarious balance got tipped - nayo had caught two different viruses from school in the span of two weeks, meaning she passed it to everyone in the household except my husband, recovered for a few days, and then started running a high fever again (which turned out to be influenza a). i was out cold for a few days and struggled with a horrible, phlegmy cough for approximately three weeks after. work was stressful and i felt i could neither pause to properly rest, nor take care of my sick kids, bc taking prolonged leave in this line of work always comes at your own expense. and so i dragged my sick body to the office, to customer meetings, to work gatherings etc., bc nayo being "sick" at home simultaneously meant that i had lost the option to work from home. 

it had been such a long while since i had felt so blue about everything that i actually thought i had sunk into borderline depression. i woke up daily with a sinking feeling in my heart about the day ahead. the days felt dreary and the nights felt overwhelmingly stimulating for my exhausted shell. i harboured so much mum guilt from shoving the family care responsibilities to my husband instead of being there for my kids during the day. yet it felt like it was hard to be present at work - partly bc i was still sick and hardly recovering, and bc i felt any moment that i could muster some "downtime" had to be re-channelled into caring for my little ones - particularly the baby of the family who used to be so cheerful but for the first time in her tiny, infant life looked absolutely defeated (she had lost that little, playful sparkle in her eyes while running a high fever). i felt so emotionally and physically spent that i even entertained the option of quitting from corporate life entirely. it had seemed so attractive to just put an end to this suffering and catch a breather. 

which brings me back to the reel that i chanced upon today. to summarise the gist of it, it describes juggling motherhood with young children as seasons that you fade in and out of, and how it's okay to fade out of certain seasons in your career when child rearing gets especially tough - just so that you'll continue to stay in it and not exit the workforce entirely. bc trying to get back in after a prolonged exit will be even more challenging. it describes the concept of glass balls and rubber balls: how most often the rubber balls are work-related and will bounce back, but family and maintaining healthy relationships are not - like glass balls, they shatter once you deprioritise these aspects of your life. marcus also brought up an interesting point - building a career is like investing: the goal is to stay in the game long enough to reap the compound rewards. we both agree that it's important not to pit motherhood (or parenthood) against our careers and frame them as zero-sum, or the outcome will always be resentment from sacrificing one for the other. most of all, i do feel a sense of responsibility for modelling the kind of woman i want my girls to grow into: i want them to grow up normalising that career and family can exist in tandem, and to continue doing the hard things in life (like forcing myself to drive on the weekends even though i much rather be a passenger princess, or staying in a career where we live quarter by quarter - both of which used to comprise my greatest fears in life). 

what i enjoy about the career that i have now (despite it being high stress) are the possibilities it unlocks - it feels empowering knowing that i have a chance to catch up on the monetary opportunity costs from slowing down my career to have kids, simply bc the rewards are asymmetrical. closing deals are non-linear. i no longer cut back on that $8 latte bc i have tasted how much more efficient it is to save (and re-invest) money by making more money, instead of scrimping on the little pleasures in life that help me romanticise the mundane day-to-day living.

goodbye, defining decade.

recently, i finally said goodbye to the defining decade of my life. 

looking back, i truly loved how i spent my twenties and i have no regrets.

if i had to describe how my twenties were like: 

the earlier years - experimental, unbridled, feministic. i was pushing boundaries and in the process of discovering what self-love and self-affirmation looked like, after years of internalising the world's narrative that i was never going to be good enough. investing in myself was the anthem of that season. the world felt like my oyster and i was constantly sprinting towards the sky, all while being stoically numb on the inside. 

i turned twenty while i was alone in new york city - i was just a petite girl in a big and unforgiving city, learning for the first time how to navigate life independently. at that point in time, i had no notion of what love could truly mean, and i was so close to giving up on being able to find my very own person in this world meant for me. i mentioned this at my wedding speech - i really thought that i would end up marrying someone who loved me dearly but whom i would try hard to love for the rest of my life. i was ready for that kind of life - steady but permanently numbing on the inside. 

it does sound melancholic and kind of pitiful, but 2016 denise was so necessary for 2026 denise to exist today. it was that season that taught me what living a good life truly looks like - it would be the opposite of whatever i was going through. it taught me that you could feel like you were soaring professionally but still be astronomically broken on the inside. going after potential partners like it were a job hunt made me realise that the seemingly endless chase was exhausting and that i was done chasing after love as if it could be hunted with sheer perseverance and grit. 

choosing to start my career in a customer-facing role even though i had an internal-facing role carved out and waiting for me, back at the tech giant i interned at. it was such a difficult decision then but it still continues to shape the trajectory of the career that i know now. learning how to talk to key stakeholders at large corporations. dealing with angry executives and even turning them into friends (one of whom i still keep in close contact with - she still remembers my birthday every year!). pivoting to tech sales after our first kid - the thought of it had scared every fiber of my being while i entertained it, but nevertheless i still leaped into, even while struggling to come out of postpartum brain fog and having zero selling experience (at least on paper). 

the later years - grounding, building, integrating. it has always been my life's dream to be a career woman and a young mother of two. i gave birth to nayo at twenty seven and natty at twenty nine. many congratulate me for being officially done with family planning before thirty. but few see the compromises and self-discipline over the past five years that it took to get here. the countless times i felt professionally stuck but had to hold my ground as i wistfully watched my peers soar unfettered into new careers or unlock new pay-grades as they hustled upwards. my close circle would know - how difficult it was to hold still in the uncertainty of a season like family-planning, repeating to myself mantras such as "the grass is greener where you water it" and how "everyone has their own finishing line" - knowing full well that child-bearing would always come at the expense of the woman's career and reputation. 

it has been three weeks since i went back to work after a long parental leave break. as chaotic and exhausting as life has been, it does feel good to have my own thing outside of motherhood. one of my teammates described our work really accurately, especially when one is riding a wave: "you don't want to do it. but you also really want to do it". it sounds nonsensical but it's so true - there are some deals where the chase is so incredibly frustrating, yet also simultaneously exhilarating. i never really understood why people mentioned they like both the money and the adrenaline from this line of work, at the expense of their sanity. it takes awhile to get to a certain level of competence where things start to make more sense, but i think i get it now. the nature of this specific role is that one has to be in the driver's seat for every single deal. on a qualified multi-cloud and multi-stakeholder deal like the one that i'm working on now - every curveball thrown makes my heart sink bc it means one more risk that everyone is looking to me to mitigate for, but it also makes me feel so incredibly empowered to be able to steer this ship towards a tangible path of closure. the work itself is high stress, but also highly rewarding if one is able to secure a breakthrough. i hope i do soon, bc i do genuinely enjoy the work even though it takes a mammoth amount of effort to keep abreast of all the moving parts. doing this in conjunction with two kids under three feels like i'm juggling a precarious circus act - and all i'm dreading is the moment where everything unravels and the audience boos. that being said - both are incredibly fulfilling work, and being able to preserve my identity as my own person is such a huge blessing. 

life at home provides me with the grounding that i need in a crazy, seemingly unsustainable role like this one. to be building this very life together as our little family of four surrounded by a supportive village - this very life i had dreamt of even as a teenager, is in itself God's grace and something i am incredibly grateful for. 

having it all, just not at the same time

thinking back to my teenage years i'd spent so many moments wishing i were living in somebody else's body - the body of someone more brainy brimming with effortless charisma and leadership stature, living the life of someone who came home to a big house while being driven around in a flashy car that would make people look upon me with envious eyes, with the same kind of gaze that i'd use looking on as a endless stream of continental cars rolled into the school's driveway to pick up their daughters, in an era without private hire. much of my teenage life was lived from a position of scarcity and an acute awareness of what i was lacking based on the standards of this world. 

i wish i could go back in time to wrap my arms around my younger self and let her know that one day she would be able to start living life on her own terms. that one day these societal labels would matter less once she starts being able to decide and define for herself what these terms of success should be. that one day she would be able to live from a position of abundance and be content with the life that she has created for herself. that one day she will be so grateful to be living life in her own body, without wishing to be living the life of somebody else. 

the grass always looks greener on the other side, but the grass is truly greener where you water it. the other day i escaped the chaos of home to join my team for drinks. everyone seemed so surprised that i made it out alive and were so warmly welcoming. it felt good - i'd missed the feeling of being a part of something bigger. the mood was exuberant bc nearly everyone had hit or exceeded their numbers. collectively, we were a rocket ship and i'd missed the feeling of being onboard one. as we all raised our glasses in celebration of a fantastic financial year and the money made, i couldn't help but wonder how much i was missing out, just so that i could take time off to birth and nurture a new human being. 

it's such a human emotion - to have the world on your own terms and still yearn for what's missing bc you want to have it all. i read somewhere that "you can have it all, just not at the same time". the recent mornings after sending nayo to school have been so grounding. i've been enjoying getting my iced mocha on my walk back home before taking over my shift with natty until noon. as i cupped natty's face in both of my palms and felt her chubby, warm body against my chest, i remember thinking that i am so lucky to be living this life. to have this little family of four which we have created together. to have a partner i can do the hard things in life with. to have our two adorable girls - the cutest human beings i've ever laid my eyes on. to still be in a career where i have so much room to grow, despite the cost from slowing down to have two kids. to be on this paid break that sometimes feels like a vacation bc we have ample help. to be able to spend and give freely but still be living below our means. to be grounded in a church community who are our literal neighbours. to be living in this location that we have not stopped raving about since moving in four years ago. to have a new circle line station coming up at our doorstep.

we are so lucky to have this life as we know it. 

we are so lucky that we are able to feel content with what we have,

and go through life acutely aware of our abundance rather than lack. 

holding on to you, 

the incarnation of our love - 

our adorable little dumpling. 

whenever i feel greedy and want to have it all,

at the same time.

whenever i feel my heart sinking as i watch

peers from the same starting line

make vertical career progressions

or lateral career moves into new territories.

i pause and watch on 

as you coo at me 

and stretch your chunky limbs,

while looking deeply into my eyes -

locking my gaze with

those big, round and gleaming eyes. 

i cup your moon-shaped face in my palms 

and take in 

that cheeky toothless grin 

mirroring my smile.

my heart swells.

like a balloon it grows bigger and bigger.

until it feels like it's about to explode. 

in that moment, my heart and head both remember: 

i am where i need and want to be.

the grass is indeed greener 

where i water it.

this is our garden of eden,

blessed by God and manifested

from our books of what constitutes an ideal life,

in the beauty of His time. 

a quiet sense of empowerment

this will probably be the final post before i enter the next season of our lives. 

after months of hustling, it feels like such a gift to be able to slow down and just nest whilst in this limbo period of waiting: to grab coffee and a massage on quiet mornings after dropping toddler n off at school, to take in the joy of unhurried reading, to pivot towards making the house feel orderly and like ours again. 

i didn't see this coming when we first ushered in 2025 - but i think this year is shaping up to be one of the most empowering years of my life thus far. i think the last time i felt something remotely similar was back in 2016, with my three month solitary stint in new york that ignited an unquenchable thirst for personal growth that culminated in two other solitary sojourns across the globe. while previously that reverberating feeling in my chest had been one of passion and fire, it somehow feels different this time - how should i best describe it? it feels like a quiet sense of affirmation, the way i imagine it feels when someone you respect gives your shoulders a gentle squeeze at the end of an arduous chapter and whispers "you did well my child". 

i didn't expect this year to be the year of conquering some of my deepest and long-standing fears that i've harboured in my life thus far: sticking through a year of doing tech sales, even while i felt like i was constantly treading water and couldn't see the light - until finally achieving a breakthrough. picking up driving again in third trimester (i haven't been behind the wheel ever since getting my license back in 2018, which we all know is not equivalent to being ready on the roads) and being able to fulfil (i know it sounds silly) part of my life's vision of being able to drive our kid(s) to school and depend solely on myself to go anywhere i want to go. and what's upcoming: confronting the rite-of-passage of childbirth again to get to what i imagine as the truest and most beautiful version of my life, particularly after a traumatic delivery with our firstborn who is the dearest little creature we have ever laid our eyes upon. 

earlier this week i drove myself to paragon for my ob-gyn appointment, grabbed my nostalgic drink order at starbucks (matcha-espresso, which will always remind me of a particular morning in sophomore year after i pulled an almost all-nighter for an assignment) before my appointment, treated myself to a solitary feast at sushiro for lunch after, and then drove back home for a 2-hr nap. it was a perfect day. i'm currently reading morgan housel's new book "the art of spending money", and there is one part of the book that talks about the utility of money to purchase not experiences per se, but memories that will form nostalgia in time to come. i think this day will be one of those days i'll look back fondly in time to come. as i wrote before, what constitutes fulfilment and contentment for me in this life is feeling like i am working closer towards manifesting what i deem to be the most beautiful version of my life, and operating from a position of abundance rather than scarcity. it is such a blessing to feel that i am living in alignment with these aspirations and values. 

and i will remember: "every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" - james 1:17 

remembering what a good season feels like

it's been awhile, and life has also altered quite significantly since nov last year. the passage of time is an interesting concept to grapple with - how are the days so long but months so short? in living month by month and quarter by quarter, the days had seemed so hard and the journey so arduous, but suddenly in the blink of an eye we are finally reaching the place we had struggled to envisage in our heads. 

nine months seem like a long time to grow a human being from conception, but if you really think about it, it means that absolute nothingness can blossom into living flesh within the span of the same year. in tabling my previous diary entry last november, it had never crossed my mind that (God willing), we will be welcoming a new member of our family by the time our earth makes a full round around the sun. but truth be told, this pregnancy has been so different from my first born's. somehow wearing the title of "pregnant working mother" in such a demanding role like this one has meant that i simply, hardly have time to pause and remember that i am simultaneously growing an entirely new human being - until i am lying in bed at night and feel our little growing one doing her cute wriggles within me. especially in this season of closing off my first good quarter and putting my best foot forward for the next one - my big bet which i really, really hope will pay off before i leave - life has been hectic both in and outside of the household for the most part. dealing with meltdowns from the terrible twos while exhausted from a hard day of hustling and chasing after deals. decompressing for a few hours on our saturday date nights. rinse and repeat. solitary gynae visits by choice in between working hours so that i can hammer things out on my laptop if i had to wait (case in point: i showed up alone for my gestational diabetes check bc i wanted to use all three hours of blood-taking and interval-waiting to progress my deals; with toddler n, i had a mini entourage waiting alongside me, followed by a nice long lunch together at paragon and a rewarding nap at home). but in a strange way, tiring as the work week is - work has been (at times) quite empowering, now that i feel i'm slowly getting better at what i do. 

speaking of good quarters, i just want to pause and take in the feeling of what a good quarter feels like. the previous quarter was absolutely horrible and i remember sitting on the edge of the rocky shore in east coast with m during one of our date nights, feeling my heart sinking into the depths of the sea as i wondered if i would ever make it through even after so much striving. but God has been so faithful even as i have been faithless. the money can get really good if you close big and close well, but this role has made me realise that i am inherently not motivated by money (an irony). i have come to realise that i am inherently motivated by the feeling that i can be and that i am good at what i decide to put my mind to. i am reminded of this picture that i saw a few years ago - from the top view it may look like one is going around in infinite circles, but the reality is so different - from the side view, one is actually spiralling upwards and soaring higher into the skies. these days i keep having this thought: maybe if i hold on long enough and hone this craft, i will reach my breakthrough point soon? 

i think this is why i am putting in so much effort and hope into this final big bet before i enter another very different season (i joke that it's like jumping from one crappy hole to another - i am looking forward to a respite from perpetual stress, but i'm not looking forward to taking on the role of a mother cow who's perpetually sleep deprived from 3-hourly feeds). i was also reflecting on my csm career with m last night, trying to fall back asleep after toddler n woke all of us up with her demanding cries for cuddles and milk at 3am last night. learning how to do b2b software sales has gifted me with such exponential professional growth (m says my math has gotten so much more accurate since starting this role that it catches him by surprise), but it's actually foundations from being a csm and staying in that craft for a relatively longer time (compared to my peers) that gives me the "muscle-memory" and confidence to steer this sizeable rfp ship. without the prior experience on strategic, enterprise accounts in my previous career stint, i don't think i would have the ability or know-how to delegate work and orchestrate massive coordination across multiple internal and external stakeholders (both the customer and our partners), while maintaining clear communication channels to ensure everyone remains aligned and fulfils their role within this deal. i am just thankful that those years weren't wasted experience, even though they had felt like a career slowdown for the sake of us prioritising bringing toddler n into this world. all i can say is that the upcoming quarter looks tough (as always), but i just want to pause and give thanks for moments when things feel like they are finally falling into place. 

it is finally the weekend - i've worked so hard this week and i am thrilled to be able to bask in the fruits of my labour from the work week. work can sometimes feel so looming and overwhelming while in the thick of it, especially during monday forecast calls. but coming back to a warm and noisy home daily have just been so grounding. work is but one of the many facets of my life - toddler n's cheeky grin when she's up to no good and the warmth from clasping her tiny hand during car rides on our family adventures are truly the larger picture in life that make life so worth living. 

what constitutes happiness and contentment?

i've been thinking a lot about what brings me contentment and happiness these days.

for me, it ultimately boils down to these few things:

• freedom to do what i want, whenever i want it
• operating from a position of abundance rather than scarcity
• a sense of fulfilment from being one step closer to manifesting my idea of the truest and most beautiful story of my life that i can imagine. 

inevitably there are and will continue to be bad days, but today i want to remember what being in a good headspace feels like. 

the weekends are such a relief bc i have time to slow down and bask in the fruits of our labour from the work week. 

it is precisely hard work that makes rest days truly so restful. it is also work that brings bread to the table and enables me (and by extension, us) to feel like we can operate from a position of abundance. 

there are times during the work week that i find myself momentarily wishing i were another person in another role doing something else that would feel easier than whatever i'm going through feels to the current me. but on the weekends when we are splurging on nicer restaurants and the little, spontaneous purchases that still constitute as "spending below our means" - just bc we feel like it, i find myself being so grateful for the work that we get to do, bc it enables us to operate from a position of abundance rather than scarcity. there are few things more cathartic than blowing cash on something that you really want on whim, and knowing that you can do that bc it does not make a dent on your existing finances. 

work is high stress but i know it will pay high dividends in the long run - not just monetarily but from the perspective of professional growth. the learning curve is steep but so are the tangible and intangible upsides. learning how to be ok with rejection or awkward situations, learning how to get better at qualifying hard and fast by asking the right questions, stepping up to the negotiation table and navigating that delicate "dance" of give-and-take, sharpening the art of persuasion, honing on that executive presence to engage with c-suite decision-makers who need to be the ones performing the sign-off etc - there is so much to gain from this role if i can just hold on, one quarter at a time. and with God's providence and grace, i know i can. 

it is also precisely bc work is tough that i know these growing pains are bringing me closer to where i envisage i want to be. every few months i go back to the narrative of what i imagine as the truest and most beautiful version of my life that i wrote back in 2022, before we even conceived baby n.  

"we're at the mall and i'm clasping the tiny palm of our little baby girl...even trips to the supermarket have become family adventures now." 

" i take in the scene of what has now become my world - our baby girl sleepily snuggling her nose into m's chest...life now is an amalgamation of quiet moments and sheer havoc. we ricochet between the two extreme ends. sometimes the incredulity of it all makes us want to cry and laugh at the same time, but in an ironic sense it is also the havoc that completes us and we wouldn't have it any other way." 

there is now a face that completes this narrative. it is a face we have all come to love dearly, and i feel so blessed to be able to do this in tandem with working on my career, even as i grit my teeth through the agonising moments rigged with anxiety and stress. 

in a weird sense - i think this is what happiness and contentment feel like. there is no perfect situation or happy pill that makes everything magically happier or life more content. it is found in moments where a delicate balance is struck between grit and enjoying the fruits that strife brings. 

i'm exactly where i want and need to be, even though it feels like i'm treading water

when times get hard, i take in the scene of what has become my present world - a cheeky grin, two tiny ponytails made out of wisps of hair, the echo of bubbly laughter and the familiar feeling of homecoming as a family of three. i remember that life is so much bigger than work. she reminds me that life is so much bigger than work, or even a career. that a job at the end of the day - however insurmountable its challenges may seem, is just a job. 

i have heard from multiple people that it's been incredibly brave of me to pivot into something so aggressive like a hunter tech sales role in this ruthless climate, particularly right after becoming a new mother. 

the journey has been rigged with its fair share of challenges and stress - but ironically, it is motherhood that grounds me in the midst of this difficult journey. at my work i am always dispensable. but i am anchored in the fact that i am irreplaceable at home. one of my favourite feelings after a hard day of work is watching n's face light up and hearing the cutest "mama" as i push open the front door. that instantly puts everything into perspective. 

the road's been tough bc i am only four months in. the beginning is always tough, but it will get easier with time. 

the narratives we tell ourselves are so important in shaping how we perceive and act. 

when i feel like giving up is an option, i'll remember that i worked so hard just to be here and have this life that i now live. that there are many others who are working equally hard so that they can have a shot at being in the same position that i now take for granted. 

i'll remember that however difficult it's been, i am exactly where i want and need to be. that other paths may seem easier or more lucrative, but those are not paths i would have wanted to be on anyway. i am slowly manifesting the life that constitutes the truest and most beautiful version of this life i want to live. 

i love this little family we have created and i feel so blessed to be able to be live out this dream of pursuing my career in tandem with parenthood. the grass is greener where i water it!

(i hope i'll find an answer to whether this career is for me soon, but even if it turns out this isn't what i'm meant to do, i would have lived knowing i gave it a shot and it wasn't for me.) 

i'll remember that the Lord is my provider and giant-slayer, and remember why He has opened this door for me in this secular marketplace (to be set apart, like salt and light). 

i will say goodbye to the sinking feeling in my chest or the "sunday scaries" from unproductive overthinking. 

"just do it" shall be my new professional mantra that i will pursue to block out all the white noise. i am reminded of this quote that has stuck with me since i came across it a few years ago: 

“inaction breeds doubt and fear. action breeds confidence and courage. if you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. go out and get busy.” - dale carnegie

i will confront and conquer my fears until i no longer feel fear anymore. and this is perhaps why i am here and what will be my most valuable gain out of this role. it is to conquer everything i've been scared of professionally, until they no longer scare me anymore. 

i hope that one day i'll look back at this entry with not a shred of fear left, and pat myself on the back for holding on even when i couldn't really see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. 

restored back from exile

it has been more than a week since i started work back at the same company that i was previously at, now having pivoted into a role that has been on my career bucket list for a long while. it was a role that i knew deep down i was running away from, but was also cognisant that i should attempt it at least once in my professional life, so that i will be able to confidently say that i've tried and either conquered it, or realised it isn't for me. 

"...when seventy years are completed for babylon, I will come to you and fulfil My good promise to bring you back to this place." 

i have been restored back to this place that i was once from. 

in a really human way, waiting on God's timing was difficult while being in the thick of it. even as door after door slammed shut in my face, i knew in my heart that God had the best plan in store for me, but i would be lying if i said my optimism and faith did not waver as the months started stretching out. not knowing when a drought will end is a scary feeling. i yearned for the relief of rain to come and deliver me from what had seemed like the pointless toil of tailoring applications after applications without an end in sight. 

but that experience has demonstrated once again that God's divine providence and timing are indeed impeccable. my severance package was at the tail end of its generous lifespan - it was slated to run out by may this year, but my current payroll will begin from this may onwards. the little "merry-go-rounds" i went on while searching for the right opportunity enabled me to build resilience while plant(ing) and eat(ing) in the season i was in. but most importantly - that season of professional drought enabled me to not just witness, but also play an active part in caring for our tiny newborn and watching her blossom into a feisty little human being with the cutest babbles to express her big emotions which she hasn't quite found the words for. i always knew i needed that season, but now that i am away from baby n for majority of the time during the weekdays, i am so thankful that i had ten solid months of quality time with her.

in this new season, i want to remember that my worth is not in how many deals i close or how much revenue i bring in, but in my identity as the daughter of the most High. i want to remember that money can get really good but i am ultimately a steward of my resources, and the true value of money is its use in showing the people around me that i care about them. i want to remember that He is my giant slayer, and i only need to pull heavenly strings when i have tried my best and exhausted all my options. i want to remember that i am here to be salt and light on this earth, that my actions may point people towards Him. 

i know the road ahead will be tough but i am both encouraged (by my new team who reminds me of my grad program ohana) and excited to meet with the denise of the past from nyc's union square in '16. i've really missed the feeling of setting my heart alight from stepping up to face something that had hitherto scared me, showing up for myself despite the fear and conquering it until it no longer scares me. my muscle for showing up for myself had atrophied during my time working at home and i am exhilarated to be meeting with the favourite parts of my former self in this upcoming season. 

riches even in a season of exile

these few days i've been waking up with a sinking feeling in my chest, feeling beaten down by the poor market climate, by the multiple doors slamming in my face, by the voices in my head echoing the world's view that i'm not good enough, not relevant enough, not experienced enough etc. 

here comes the feeling i've thought were of days past:

feeling left behind by the world and daunted by the widening gap between where i am and where i want to be professionally. 

flashback to the post-jc days where i was swirling yoghurt and cashiering at kinokuniya while my peers were pursuing corporate internships with prestigious organisations; to when i was put on the waitlist for my dream college and didn't know where i'd eventually land up - while my peers were already knee-deep in preparations for their rag & flag performances; to days when i was still single and in pursuit of a romantic partner, but could not find anyone who deemed me worthy enough to commit to.

this season feels like one for the books - another example that i can stash away into my book of "feeling left behind by the world". 

i think this is precisely why this season has been difficult for me - it cuts deeply into my greatest insecurity of feeling like i've been left behind, while everyone else seems to be bounding ahead with ease. 

but in the midst of being in the thick of this valley, God i hear You - a quiet voice whispering:

'this is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from jerusalem to babylon: 

build houses and settle down, plant gardens and eat what they produce...also seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which i have carried you into exile. pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper...

when seventy years are completed for babylon, I will come to you and fulfil My good promise to bring you back to this place. 

"for I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you", declares the Lord, "and i will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you", declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." ' 

- jeremiah 29:4-14

i may feel like i'm currently circling wastelands, but even in this season You are asking me to settle down, enjoy what i have, seek You earnestly and wait on Your timing. 

and in that glorious timing of Yours, You Lord, You will personally escort me back to the desired place of my heart. 

so i will wait. as You have always done, i will wait for You to open that one door that no man, thing or circumstance will be able to close. that one door i will wait on, even as all the other doors close shut in my face. 

i will plant and eat, and seek both the peace and prosperity of this place of exile. even in this place, You have made me so rich.

You have given me our dearest daughter n, who is the most precious little human being i have ever come across - she is our little bundle of joy who is worth infinitely more than the greatest riches, and whom money cannot buy; 

someone i wholly love and trust to journey this valley with, who can take care of both n and i and bear the financial burden of our family alone, should this wintery season extend into the months ahead; 

my former bosses and work friends who are rooting for me and finding ways to either advocate for me from their positions of power, or hire me back - the people in this world who can still see my value shining through and constantly remind me of that - despite what the rest of this world tells me - that my skillsets are still relevant, still worthy, and still in demand; 

the support of family and friends (close friends, cg mates etc.) outside our little family of three - in the form of words of encouragement, career advice and even working through interview preparation and case studies with me; 

enough in my bank account to wait out this season of exile; 

and most of all, i still have You - You who goes before me, You - my biggest giant slayer, You - the creator of this universe. You who pulls heavenly strings for me that i need only be still in a season of striving. 

i will wait for this season to be yet another testimony towards Your realness and Your goodness. as You have always been. 

in the words of a former colleague whom i bumped into yesterday just before my interview: "i'm rooting for you, denise".

even from this place of exile, i still have so many people rooting for me. even when i feel like i don't have much going for me in this one area of my life, i look around and i find - i am still so, so wealthy. 

in a season of having and being enough, despite -

these days i've been thinking about my youth a lot. i think of the blackened sky and the cool morning mist against my skin as i climbed into the back of my mum's altis, vague memories of oldies playing in the background and being awoken at the petrol station outside sji en route to anderson road, where i knew i could look forward to a mini bottle of sunkist's apple juice with aloe vera bits as a little "pick me up" before classes started. i think of fourteen year old me with such a fanatic crush on my chemistry teacher it actually made me seriously question my sexuality. or fifteen year old me with a trauma of handing in blank math papers while feeling like the biggest academic loser in the world. i think of digging into my favourite tom yum chicken noodles from haw's kitchen with princesses and our quarterly post-exam tradition of having a well-deserved, fancy lunch followed by the movies, or drinking koi at the windy benches while wearing our faux leather friendship bands that each sported a similar anchor-shaped embellishment made out of cheap metal. i think of the disappointment i felt when i finally got to work at kinokuniya as a cashier and realised that no one there actually loved to read, except for the store director with the same name as my father. i still remember the sinking feeling in my heart on bus 89 on the way back from yet another monotonous shift at a frozen yoghurt shop, as i read about friends and acquaintances getting into my dream liberal arts college on social media (while i was being relegated to the waitlist). i think of the alienation i felt when i finally shifted into my dream college and abruptly realised that i was going to have to find a new "home" in a completely new environment that had seemed all too overwhelmingly artificial and high-achieving. i think of the numbing brokenness i felt from getting my heart trifled with again and again - the unfounded jitters, the suite parties, the chilly night walks past midnight etc. 

i think of this song in particular:

 

it was either the tail end of 2015 or the beginning of 2016. i remember being on a cruise deck drinking a cocktail with my mum when a live band started playing this song. we were talking about my poor love life from being consistently attracted to the same type of boys who were undeniably attractive but always lacked the courage to commit. she said something along the lines of "imagine dancing to this song with your future husband and putting your arms around him while you sway to this on the dance floor...how nice would that be?" 

we both paused and imagined it together. it has stuck with me ever since. 

a few days ago, m and i were talking about how we spent our twenties. his twenties are over, but i'm a few years shy of finishing mine. 

"do you regret any point of your twenties so far?" he asked.

i thought about it -

"no... i'm actually so proud of how i've spent my defining decade so far. i think i've accomplished everything i wanted to accomplish thus far. i don't think i regret any part of it. i truly don't." 

baby n is the reason why i've been reflecting on my youth a lot more. thinking of her makes me think of the relentless 5.45am mornings my mum had to go through in order to send us to schools so far away from where we lived, and all the other sacrifices my parents made for me while i was growing up. i think of the brokenness i felt as a lost teenager and adolescent, and i hope with all of my heart that she will not have to experience that desolate feeling of being left behind by the world. i think of all the boys who may eventually break her heart and hope that she will have enough self love to know her worth and stand her ground. i think of how we can teach her emotional resilience, so that she will be able to overcome any failures and challenges that life will throw at her. i think about the friends that she will make - will she be able to find her people too? i think about how lucky i am to love and be loved - that i have someone i wholly trust, someone whom i can finally dance to journey's open arms with together. i think about the life we've embarked on since our first date and how incredibly blessed we are to have this little human being who makes our little family even more complete. i think about how it's been a long while since i'd felt that dull ache of loneliness from wondering if i'd ever find love. i constantly think about the truest and most beautiful story of my life that i've been working towards manifesting, working with God in tow and not in retrospect. 

i recently found out one of my favourite feelings in the world is hugging baby n close as she snoozes on my chest in a baby carrier. there is just something so pure about feeling her bodily warmth envelope my every being that grounds me so immovably. she feels like this little peanut i want to protect at all costs whenever she nuzzles into my chest for comfort, making me feel like the luckiest person in the world that we get to call her ours. 

this season is God's biggest blessing in disguise, and i try very hard to remember how lucky i am to be where i am - particularly when i feel discouraged about the shrivelled job market from a prolonged tech winter. there are always two sides to a coin, and i choose to see this season as an opportunity to rewrite my career narrative once again, even as i emerge from the duality of juggling motherhood alongside my multi-faceted identity as a career-oriented individual and daughter of the most High. despite how ambiguous being in this limbo feels, i am exactly where i want and need to be. i am at the very cusp of change, and where i go next will be the stepping stone towards defining the next chapter of my life's narrative. God has always only opened one clear door for me, and that door has always been the best door for me. i truly believe it will be no different this time. 

i also recently found out that mental resilience is one of my strengths. it's strange bc i've never really thought of myself as a resilient person, but apparently - according to the person who knows me best (next to myself), he says that i am. we were in the trenches together when we found out about the miscarriage. we were in the trenches together again the day baby n was born - when we found out that she had torn a hole in my rectum (it was a 0.01% incidence) while being yanked out unceremoniously with a pair of forceps. it was absolute chaos - as a delayed side effect, i was throwing up uncontrollably while the oxygen machine periodically beeped in the background signalling baby n's oxygen levels were unstable from her distress. m watched on helplessly as i was wheeled into emergency surgery soon after the delivery (it was in the wee hours of the morning). i laugh when i think back to how my mum kept stressing the importance of "skin-to-skin" contact with the baby just before we checked into the hospital 24 hours earlier to induce the delivery at 40 weeks ("skin-to-skin" was clearly the last thing on our minds and i only got to hold baby n for the first time the next morning after waking up from that episode). we were talking about the future a few years down the road, if and when we're blessed enough to have baby number two - "us and pregnancy don't really seem to get along very well...i'm surprised what we went through doesn't deter you from wanting more children. you actually bounced back really quickly." he is right - somehow i am not horribly averse to the idea of going through this all over again. interestingly, i feel that the scars from my formative years of growing up haunt me much more than the trials i've been through as an adult - and it could very well be bc having someone steadfast to hold my hand and journey through the hard times with me makes dealing with everything so much easier. we just celebrated the end of his master's exam and our second marriage anniversary a few days ago. time passes with blatant disregard for anything and anyone: what had seemed insurmountable (i.e. waiting on God's timing in the sheer ambiguity of not knowing how my career and his residency would line up together perfectly with having a child; going through a full-term pregnancy while working and preparing for the arrival of our baby as he laboured through the final year of his residency; struggling through the arduous newborn phase of being first-time parents, all while he juggled studying after work for one of the most challenging exams of his life) have all come to pass. on paper, everything sounds almost impossible to bear. in reality, we bore everything so incredibly well - all bc of God's grace and how we made it so much easier doing the difficult things in life together.  

i listen to the tunes of my youth a lot, particularly those tunes i played on repeat during my college days. i listen to them often partly bc they bring back a flood of nostalgia for those archived times that now seem so imperfectly perfect through rose-tinted lenses. but a huge reason why i still listen to them on repeat nowadays is bc they remind me of who i was and how i had felt then while in the thick of experiencing growing pains. now, they serve as little celebratory hymns of victory reminding me of how far i have come and will continue to go. 

preliminary thoughts on motherhood

it has been slightly over a month since n's existence here on earth. time is a curious thing - while i was counting down the days to her due date, i could not - for the life of me, envisage how it would be like to push out a human being who had been growing inside of me for the past nine months. childbirth itself terrified me. and now that momentous event has already come and gone. walking out of the hospital with tiny baby n wrapped tightly in my arms felt as if christmas came early. it was our first victory together as a unit of three. even looking at her now feels surreal. i cannot fathom that she is the same person who had been doing little submarines and windshield wipes in my belly - that the little fist which had surfaced to greet us from within the womb is actually the same fist which lobs us impatiently for milk now. 

motherhood feels slightly different from what i had imagined in my head. i am currently writing this with a glass of white wine in hand, soaking in charlie lim's orgasmic voice in my ears (to me, his tunes scream of high school nostalgia) and keeping an eye on our sweet little angel chilling on the couch beside me. it almost feels like the old days. such days are rare, but in times like these i feel like myself again. unlike career-planning, parenthood is too complex and variable to make up five-year plans in advance. instead, we are tackling it by breaking it down into phases: phase one was our twenty-eight day confinement nanny phase, marked by wound healing, recuperation, dealing with the onslaught of new motherhood challenges (i.e. three-hourly pumps and dealing with the pain of breastfeeding attempts) and getting used to a new household dynamic of living with three additional human beings. from phase one we graduated into phase two - a life without a confinement nanny but with our relatively new helper and m still at home with me for a week. now we are currently in phase three - adjusting to a new normal with just our helper and i at home during the day. and i think we have been doing pretty well so far. i do miss not having the house to ourselves, but it has been such a worthwhile trade-off to have that extra pair of hands whose full-time job is to share our load with us. we are still not sure how things will pan out in phase four (when i eventually return to the workforce). but we're just tackling one phase at one time, at least until m is done with his exams at the end of this year. i am just thankful that god has provided so richly thus far, in the form of the people and community that He has placed in our lives.

but beyond the logistics of coping with this new normal, motherhood is also about the intangible adjustments towards this paradigm shift: dealing with an altered and battered body that has been through and continues to go through so much; displacement of hormones resulting in unpredictable mood swings; the inevitable mum guilt and pigeon-holed narratives of self-worth defined by milk production and how much one is willing to sacrifice for one's baby. to a large extent, motherhood has felt reductive: i am enslaved to the pump every two hours, counting down the hours to my day shifts alone with baby n, dreading waking up during the wee hours of the morning just to pump again. the day resets but my tasks remain the same. i feel like a shadow of my former self - almost as if those days of driving customer conversations, pantry coffee chats and putting on my "chief-of-staff" hat are so buried in the past now. motherhood surprises me bc i had heard so many platitudes about how it would be like - statements such as "you never know you can love anyone so much until you have children"; "give yourself some time, you may not even want to go back to work"; "breastfeeding is difficult but it's one of the best things of being a mother" or "when you have your own children, you'll want to give him or her the world" etc, but none of them truly resonate with me. when i gazed into baby n's eyes for the first time, i felt a huge sense of relief and gratitude, but that overwhelming flood of love i was expecting never came (it actually felt strange to have this tiny human being presented before me as my child, and i almost had to manufacture the feelings of love by telling myself that i loved her). being her sole care-giver in the two/three hour blocks during the day (while the helper is resting from taking on the night shifts on our behalf) makes me feel i will most definitely go crazy if i were to do this full-time, without help. i also made the decision to stop latching her one & a half months in bc it was painful, difficult and an inefficient use of both of our time. she is so important to me, but i do not want to make her my world - i still want to be known for who i am and what i can do in this world, outside of being just her mother. i will not trade her for anything, but she came at a cost and i still look upon my new body - the same unimaginably resilient body which grew her from a mustard seed, brought her to term and even continue to produce milk for her, and struggle to find the new me in the mirror (with a hanging mommy pooch and stretch marks peeking from beneath my shorts) attractive. i read somewhere that stretch marks are how love writes on our skin. i am still in the process of appreciating and being patient with my body which i do not give enough credit for. 

before n was born, i wrote a letter to myself so that i could encourage the denise of the future, which is denise of the present moment: 

"in this upcoming season, i hope you will continue to love and affirm yourself regardless of however you feel. just like how the boys who didn't reciprocate your feelings in college days didn't define your beauty and worth, so does not being able to breastfeed or give everything up for beanie define how good you are as a mother and as a person. i hope you'll continue to keep your identity separate - you are multi-faceted: you are first denise - your own individual, before you are beanie's mother. you can be both, in the same way you can fulfil your life dream of being both a young mother and a career woman...by the time you revisit this, you'll probably have gone through the unthinkable feat of pushing this human bean out. you are a champion and i hope that you'll continue to be kind to yourself. you've already done enough. you are enough."

if motherhood were ever a graded assignment, i feel i'll be a mother in the lower percentile rungs for not wanting to sacrifice so much for my child. but tonight, in spite of everything - i think i am doing pretty well. i have already done enough. i am enough. 

what i'll miss about this transitory season

there are moments which you only miss after they pass you by, but there are also moments which you know you'll miss even as they are passing you by. 

i feel the latter so strongly on this quiet night: drake & post malone in the background, sparkling ribena in a wine glass by my bedside as a poor substitute, eagerly awaiting a new jo malone scent i'd just ordered online to mark this new, transitory season from womanhood into impending motherhood. being alone with my thoughts and feeling like myself again despite the burgeoning belly. counting my blessings that He has so wonderfully stitched together the desires of my heart in the wildest manner - turning the mess of this extensive massacre in tech into a personal testimony and enabling me to focus on cultivating one season at a time (where i'm headed for next in my career is still unknown and the unknown is always unsettling for someone like me who loves clarity, but by God's providence i can afford to park that discovery until next year when i'm ready to start thinking about career once again). 

what will i miss? 

i'll miss the stillness of being in our nest exclusive to just the both of us - m & me. i'll miss feeling you doing a little submarine dance inside my belly - squirming and doing little punches to remind me of mealtimes whenever you get hungry (and my body responding by assaulting me with ravenous hunger - the kind of hunger that makes me get up at 5am to make pancakes !!!). i'll miss sleeping in and waking up to the prospect of being able to have a leisurely breakfast as well as a clear schedule ahead of me. i'll miss m snuggling up to my belly and calling your name. i'll miss both the freedom and mobility of being able to go for shopping/tea dates with mumsie at whim, or being able to freely grab lunch with friends/former colleagues. i'll miss wind-down, uninterrupted drama nights with m in the comfort of our bedroom. i'll miss being able to take naps throughout the day and being the most well-rested i've ever been. 

i've gotten so comfortable with this season - it feels nice to feel in control but i'm cognisant that we've also finally arrived at the last stretch of this marathon. i imagine what awaits us at the finish line of this race will be sheer havoc and a whirlwind of emotions - from postpartum blues to inexplicable joy to mental breakdowns from the lack of sleep. but it is also a necessary rite of passage and one that we've actively chosen. above all, it is the passage that allows us to finally meet you - an inch towards manifesting the truest and most beautiful story of my life using the language of imagination. 

pupa

here i am: 

me in the present moment -

taking it all in as i stand at the cusp

of a new and foreign season ahead.

i am where i want to be,

but still - it remains difficult to reconcile

conceptually ready me with the present me,

who feels as if i'm an outsider looking in. 

in this transitory season,

i feel i am in limbo - 

cocooned in a chrysalis. 

days past an unfettered version of my youth,

days awaiting a cardinal transformation

of my identity unlike any other i've hitherto known.

i struggle to remember how life was before this,

but i also struggle to envisage how life will be after this. 

and so

i just straddle the in-between,

trying to embrace this current season of stillness -

stillness before the whirlwind of all that is to come.

hands pressed against my ballooning abdomen

counting flutters and kicks 

emanating from the inside,

the most tangible reminder that 

everything is poised to change: 

the three month countdown has already begun

until we finally get to meet

you.  

(i can't wait to find out how you'll look like, our little beanie)

by His grace and His grace alone

19th feb 2023: today marks the day of my public declaration of faith & commitment to Him who is omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent - Him who makes my cup overflow irrespective of circumstances. 

this is a copy of my baptism testimony which i read out to an audience of approximately eighty+ people today - sharing it again in hopes that it encourages someone else here who has not heard it: 

    "i accepted Christ in 2011, but by 2016 the novelty of a transformative, conversion prayer had worn off. old friends who knew sophomore year me in 2016 would describe me with the following adjectives: “bold” and “unfettered”. i was extremely purpose-driven - but my purpose was entirely of the world. my main goals were to (1) explore all plausible, desirable partner options within my tiny college population to get out of single-hood and (2) to bolster my resume with extracurricular activities for what I termed as a “big-fish” internship in junior year. on the outside, i looked like i had my act completely together. friends were applauding me for being “mulan”-esque and a complete “go-getter” for boldly going after both of these things. 

but on the inside, i was like scattered sand. i had pushed God to the peripheries because thinking of Him was inconvenient for what i had wanted to achieve in life. inside, i was suffused with a choking bout of numbness i couldn’t quite shake off. as i wrapped my arms around myself and rocked myself to sleep on bad nights, i thought about how nice it would be to have someone physical to hold me. i didn’t want to think of God - my omni-potent and loving Father-in-Heaven, whom i knew (in my head, yes - but not my heart) had the ability to satisfy even the thirstiest of hearts. how could i, when touch was my love language, but i could not touch and be touched by someone who lives in the heavens, the stars, the seas - whose omni-presence was more than i could bear, whose boundlessness i couldn’t kiss nor tangibly feel? and so i lost myself to the shadows of chasing after things i knew wouldn’t satisfy, after sinful pursuits in the name of personal growth, after fallible people like myself, and got disappointed again and again by prospective love interests who couldn’t commit, who didn’t seek after my heart as fervently as i had romantised in my head. i only prayed for the want of things, not for the want of Christ Himself. 

    matthew 6:33: “but seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” 

    and one day, i broke. by the end of the year, i had gotten so emotionally spent from chasing after all these worldly things which didn’t satisfy that i literally felt i had a gaping hole in my heart. as the new year fireworks erupted at the close of 2016, i told God that life without Him always seemed better until it became emotionally tiring and utterly empty, and pledged that i wanted to do things together with Him and not in retrospect anymore. in that moment, i pivoted my heart: i was going to seek Him as the End Desire Himself, and no longer as a means to things which i desired. 

    there is so much joy in knowing that one is finally walking right with God. being anchored in Christ means that i no longer have to resort to sinful pursuits to fill me and make me feel whole, because i am already whole and made complete by Him and His work on the cross. putting my trust in Christ means that my cup will always overflow irrespective of circumstances - because He is the abundant fountain of Love who truly satisfies. there is so much freedom in knowing that in our hearts we plan our course, but it is God who establishes our steps. there is so much comfort in knowing that whatever door He opens no one can shut, and whatever door He shuts, no one can open. my purpose in life now is to glorify Him in whichever secular spaces He has placed me in: to be set apart so that people around me might wonder what my secret-sauce is, and come to their own realisation that it is God behind the works. 

    and just to complete the loop: two months after i told God i would pursue Him and Him alone, God placed the love of my life in my path. we are currently married and expecting a new addition to our beautiful family this year." 

it still feels surreal that i finally (after years of sitting on this decision) bit the bullet and did it, but my heart is so, so full - i am so blessed to have had m, both families and even friends from our community group show up and bear witness to this special personal declaration of faith. today also marks the next step of being officially incorporated into the body of christ which m & i both resonate with. i am so thankful that we made that decision to take the first step towards anchoring ourselves in a new church community we can confidently call our own about a year ago. it has been so fulfilling thus far to be able to do life in a way we know honours Him and sets a good foundation for our marriage. 

2022 - a season of sowing

2022 was the year of honing in on writing the truest, most beautiful story of my life that i can imagine. if i had to characterise it as a cliché: it was truly the season of sowing the seed in anticipation of reaping bountifully in a future harvest. 

the six month countdown to what will be the largest personal growth journey of my life begins today. i don't think i have fully processed what it will mean and how that event will alter our family dynamics forever. all i can say is that i put my trust in You - holding fast to Your promise that no one, thing or circumstance will be able to shut this door that You have chosen to open for us, as long as it is part of Your glorious will. 

in writing this narrative of my life over the past year i had to wrestle with both loss and coming to terms with my latent inner demons which i never knew were buried so deep within me. losing something which was almost life itself was both numbing and sobering - and perhaps a part of me has not fully healed from that episode, which continues to manifest itself in occasional thoughts of "what ifs" to shake my confidence in god (waiting and being able to do absolutely nothing is the hardest bc it requires faith in its purest essence). i also finally figured out why i had made an idol of my own life goal and set arbitrary timelines for myself - timelines which i used as key markers of success or failure to either affirm or beat myself up as i saw fit. i figured out why i tended to overcompensate - i needed to be my own trailblazer to define what success looked like for me because teenage me had been broken by the world leaving her behind. but there is a silver lining in every brooding cloud - in those dim moments i saw and experienced the love of family and the beauty of marriage.

marriage. 2022 was our first year of being married, which m had to remind me is an achievement in itself. we were just reflecting on how 2022 felt like it flew by and a large part can be attributed to how much fun we had in the past year doing life together. i am convinced that marrying the right person for oneself is one of the most important life decisions one will ever have to make, just bc one will spend so much time of one's life with that person once one crosses that bridge from dating into a god-ordained bond that even the state recognises. being able to find joy in the boring, mundane things in life together is the gift of marriage life. i remember saying in 2021 while we were at the beginning of house and wedding preparation that i wished we could skip over to the "sleepover forever" part. the "sleepover forever" part remains one of my favourite parts of marriage life - ending the night tucked in bed and feeling snuggly under our toasty sheets, chatting about everything under the sun until one of us falls asleep. i used to be a nocturnal owl, but at the beginning of our marriage i told myself that going to bed together over the next 365 days and beyond will be one of the small ways we continue to invest in us, and it has now become my favourite way to end the night. 

2022 was the year where i exercised the muscle of staying put and sinking my roots - to the outside world it may have looked like a career lull but i feel grateful to have stuck to my own path that was the most ideal route to hone in on the narrative i wanted to write for myself. i made the most of being where i was. in my first year of being in the job i had struggled with understanding what good looked like. i am now in the midst of being what good looks like, and this is really what i want to get out of this role before i leave. my favourite triumph of the past year was becoming (almost like?) friends with the cmo of one of the hardest customers in our patch (who had really intimidated me at the beginning of the year when i took over this particular account) and watching my consistent hard work and sincerity pay off with our growing relationship, culminating in a full renewal with incrementals despite the account being flagged up as one of the few accounts with the highest attrition risk. the arduous journey we took continues to give me hope in the value of the work that i do. in 2022 i also took on one of the most prestigious enterprise accounts in our patch that used to be managed only by directors - i feel a sense of pride when i think about the unprecedented breakthrough i had with this account by establishing and leading a recurring cadence across all the business units' stakeholders. i now have a seat at the table and that was a result of hard work, boldness and god's favour. 2022 was also the year where i was both exposed to and dipped my toes into "chief-of-staff" in tech kind of work. it takes years to build a personal brand and credibility within the organisation - it was only by staying put that this opportunity opened up. i am grateful that i got to see and do things that people my age do not usually get exposed to. it was definitely more work but also a lot more visibility, learning and brand-building that i got to do. 

and so, i would say that 2022 wasn't a bad year at all. 2022 reminds me of this image i saw that really resonated with me. a picture is worth a thousand words, so i'll leave it here as an apt wrap-up to this season of sowing:

dear me,

from february 2022: "i tell myself different people have different finishing lines, and yet i derive happiness from feeling as if i'm ahead of the curve and conversely get incredibly discouraged when i feel i've been left behind. i tell myself that i am lazer-focused on forging my own path ahead but i still get envious when i hear about peers moving on to greener pastures. i tell myself that the world is abundant and there is more than enough for everyone, but i still fear the prospect of competition and i do feel wistfully piqued when someone whom i view as a "mentee" outperforms me, as if these are not tell-tale signs of a latent insecurity that's festering within me. it is almost as if i'm playing a game of hypocrite with myself and hiding how i truly feel with self pep talk and confident smiles on the outside." 

dear me, 

contrary to the conclusion you arrived at in the beginning of this year, you are not a hypocrite - neither are you playing a game of hypocrite with yourself. you are merely human and still in the midst of untangling the complex web of buried insecurities from the past - the collective narratives you fed yourself when you were not doing too well. 

you have always thought that you had adequately put the past behind you as part of growing up: those adolescent memories of nearly failing at math and the sciences, of feeling like you were the only one who could sense the immanent potential you had within you and feeling disillusioned with the world bc somehow that belief never translated into real-world accolades or opportunities which (on the contrary) seemed to come easily to other people around you. those narratives you had internalised when you knew you were a small fish in a big pond, but no one had ever warned you that you could feel so small and so crippled by failing to achieve the singular definition of success laid out by the cold, meritocratic education system in this country - an education system which continues to penalise those who fall behind. those afternoons when you tried so hard and yearned to be one of those girls "up there", but all you could do was stop yourself from recoiling from the familiar, sinking feeling of handing in papers with blank answers at the ring of the bell, or feeling utterly empty as you swirled frozen yoghurt while your accomplished peers seemed they were getting a head-start at their pre-university internships. 

this un-wrestled brokenness and your subconscious desire to never put yourself in such a position again were and continue to be at the root of what shapes your present-day inclinations - now that you are in better control to define your own narrative of what success looks like. in order to never feel like you're being left behind by the world ever again, you over-compensate and sprint towards the forefront of the curve: doing a solitary internship in new york during the summer of freshman year while your peers were organising orientation camps, overworking yourself to the bone with 4am nights in sophomore year to fundraise for two conferences, sending out linkedin cold-mails from holly's cafe in seoul during your semester abroad in junior year while your friends were properly enjoying their semester break partying and making friends, doing two of the craziest 28mc semesters (unprecedented in student body history) in senior year to graduate on schedule - and as if the workload was not insane enough, putting immense pressure on yourself to find a "dream" job in tech before graduation, all bc you wanted to reap the benefits of your tech giant loa internship without fulfilling the opportunity cost of delaying graduation by 6 months. college were your best years but they were also filled with immense toil and striving. and your brokenness had inadvertently compelled more striving as you transitioned into the next stage of life - starting your nascent career and concretising the dream of settling down and starting a new family. the dream of having your cake and eating it - being both a career woman and a young mother. setting arbitrary timelines for yourself and feeling upset with both yourself and the world when those timelines drawn in the sandcastles of your head did not actualise. feeling perturbed when you felt like the year was coming to a close but you had nothing concrete or noteworthy to show for. subconsciously pushing those self-expectations on your spouse bc you need him as the other puzzle piece to fulfil your lifelong dream. 

step one is recognising that you don't have to hit all these arbitrary milestones that you've set for yourself, bc no one is chasing you anymore. there will be no math teacher pulling you aside expressing concern for your grades and future. you are officially outside of the formal education system which had once made you feel so small with its singular definition of success. everyone is running towards their own finishing lines now and no one cares about where you are in yours - so look ahead bc the only question you need to ask yourself is this: is this path the path that i truly want to be on?

dear denise, this is a reminder to stop inflicting so much pressure on yourself. you can now afford to smell the flowers and pause to appreciate the season you are in - be it a good one, or even one in flux. the beauty of life now is that you have someone you love doing life together with you, in a house that feels like home 365 days a year. and most importantly, you have Him - the giant slayer who is for you and who fights for you, whose open door is one that no one, thing or circumstance will be able shut. 

and so, in this new season - i put my hope and trust in You, knowing that You bring all things that You will into glorious fruition. 

"i took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. i am, i am, i am."

there is still so much to be thankful for. 

it is truly the little things that differentiate good days from bad ones, and today was a good day. whatever transpired at the beginning of this week felt like a massive step back from manifesting my vision and compass for what constitutes the truest and most beautiful version of my life. but today i felt alittle more like my old self again - the "me" who brims with joy from the sheer promise of life but who is typically stashed away whenever i go into auto-pilot mode and amble along in the lucid slumber of the mundane day-to-day. today i showed up for myself by going forward to introduce myself to that specific person who had showed up in my dreams before - that someone who personifies the qualities of the strong career woman whom i aspire to be one day. it sounds inconsequential, but i've been wanting to do this for the past 2.5 years and i finally found both the courage and opportunity to do so today. the best part of showing up for myself is that it's a gift that keeps giving: it creates joy in my heart which makes me more inclined to pause and connect with the people around me, and those connections in turn make me even more joyful. i become a cup that overflows. 

this is by far my favourite definition of contentment that i really resonate with: "contentment means to be happy with what you have, who you are, and where you are. it is respecting the reality of the present. It is appreciating what you do have and where you are in life. contentment does not mean the absence of desire; it just means you are satisfied with your present, and you trust that the turns your life takes will be for the best." tonight, i am reminded of a particular evening in the summer of 2016, where i was on the new york metro and it suddenly struck me that i was the living embodiment of a persona i had admired years ago. today i realised that i am already building and manifesting the ideal life for myself, at least in the career facet. 

this is what i wrote in april about my personal definition of what constitutes a true and beautiful life: "...work is challenging but it is also incredibly meaningful. i am still in the industry of my dreams. i am needed, seen, heard and respected by everyone around me. work makes me feel alive and in my zone, bringing me back to that feeling of "flying" that i used to feel during my yirpa college days. the work that i do is so uniquely "me": it fits the value proposition i have to give to the world like the glove i have always been meant to wear. i have finally found my niche - one that sits at the perfect intersection of business needs and what i naturally gravitate towards." there is still a steep learning curve ahead but there is also so much promise of gratification from the potential value-add i can bring to the table. god has placed me in this unique position in the business that is only privy to me and i have the opportunity to use my skillsets to make a positive impact. my favourite words of wisdom from m is "the grass is greener where you water it." staying put was difficult and comparison made it all the more tougher. but i am also now reaping the benefits of deepening my roots. i love this article that m shared with me. it eloquently articulates (far better than i could ever have) the value of staying put even as the world uproots and cajoles you towards the allure of a greener grass patch outside from where you are. 

contentment comes from the realisation that youth is my capital. in a world where age correlates with credibility, deepening my roots and staying laser-focused on my own defined path mean i can be both young and credible. i just need to continue showing up for myself in the little ways like i've always done and wait for time to compound the impact of working both hard and smart.

the best door

the prelude was harder than the actual event of knowing, but i will only give myself tonight to feel sadness in whatever forms it comes. revelations 3:7 has been strangely comforting: "what He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open." it is as proverbs 16:9 so aptly articulates: ""in their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

my life story can be summarised as a series of god shutting doors in all shapes and forms right in my face, only to open the best ones for me. interning in new york. going to spain on santander's scholarship. interning at aws with the best mentors. getting into salesforce as a graduate. meeting marcus. finding our current house. securing our wedding venue and solemniser. my career thus far. today is no different. i will await the glorious day where god opens the destined door for me, and for us: that door will be one that no one, thing or circumstance will be able to shut. 

soundtracks for seasons

it is the soundtrack that truly makes a drama. it is the soundtrack that encapsulates the longing, the melancholy, the joy, the anger, the catharsis, the butterflies, the nostalgia, the camaraderie of a passé world where characters lived out their glorious story arc, then rolls everything up into a ball and delivers its punch to whoever who would press play. even after the raving reviews fade and the world forgets, the soundtrack remembers and evokes the listener to remember as well. 

in the same vein, the soundtrack is the surrounding context. two saturdays ago, i walked away from the inaugural college alumni reunion with ambivalent emotions in my heart. there was warmth from meeting up with old friends, but also a lingering emptiness from conversations that i would have had, if only we had turned back the clock by six years. i felt connected - yet displaced, uplifted - yet dispirited, nostalgic yet hardened. it made me realise the gravity of context in shaping a sense of belonging and a sense of what's important in life.   

my soundtrack for that season ended in 2019. what had felt so real then came rushing back - but i had to stop myself to remember that my feelings in the present were a mirage. revisiting 2015-2019 in 2022 without its context was like visiting a house without a home. my life is happening in 2022 now, with a completely different soundtrack. what is important to me now is completely different from what was important then. the old me would have stayed for the mixer and let myself go for the night, but that's no longer who i am and what's important to me. i strode out of the campus gates alone with this sole thought in my head: "what's important to me now is going home to my husband who's waiting for me, so we can turn in together." these days, it's the prospect of our next phase of life that excites me. working towards manifesting my vision for what i envisage to be the truest, most beautiful story about my life is what makes me feel so special to get to be "me" - a "me" living in this vast world that can be harsh but will still find space to be gracious enough to me, bc it is my Giant Slayer who goes before me.  

yes i'm changing, yes i'm gone, yes i'm older, yes i'm moving on i've moved on

the language of remembrance and imagination

the routine of work often makes me forget who i am, down at my core. and then it comes back - all at once, on solitary nights when i'm armed with a chilled glass of red wine and my 2016 spotify top songs playlist reverberate in my ears. i close my eyes and give myself into the ebb and flow of the build up and subsequent post-climax catharsis - i let the massive wave of nostalgia crash over me and remember the fragments of an unfettered me from my earlier youth. this is how i remember how it feels like to be alive and brimming at my core. 

"when women write to me in the language of indoctrination - when they use words like good and should and right and wrong - i try to speak back to them in the language of imagination. we are all bilingual. we speak the language of indoctrination, but our native tongue is the language of imagination. when we use the language of indoctrination - with its should and shouldn't, right and wrong, good and bad - we are activating our minds. that's not what we're going for here. because our minds are polluted by our training. in order to get beyond our training, we need to activate our imaginations. our minds are excuse makers; our imaginations are storytellers. so instead of asking ourselves what's right or wrong, we must ask ourselves: what is true and beautiful?

...what is the truest, most beautiful story about your life you can imagine?" - untamed, glennon doyle

i've been dreaming (quite literally) about a specific person for awhile now. she appears in my dreams every once in awhile, sauntering in with her iconic red lip, jet black hair and poised, goddess-like stature. she is a female business leader i don't know personally in real life, but is actually someone whom i secretly look up to - just bc she embodies the strong career woman archetype i'd always admired and aspired towards during my college days. there are many variations of this dream, but in all of them she comes over to talk to me as if we're friends. we sit down for coffee or wine while she holds my hand and i ask her questions i can't remember when i'm awake. all i can remember is that surreal, perplexing yet warm sense of pride from intimately knowing and being valued by someone so accomplished and put on a pedestal by the rest of the world. i'm not sure what these all mean, or why i even dream of her at all. but if i could hazard a guess - i think its my subconscious telling me that despite the motivational slump that comes in seasons and the inevitable monotony of a routine 9-6 day job, there is still a part of me who aspires to become a strong, career woman like her one day. i think it's my subconscious telling me to become someone who will continue to give back and inspire younger, aspiring career women to shatter glass ceilings and steer mnc ships into newer highlands (when i make it big in the future). it also reminds me of the tangible trade-offs of pursuing a career at full-speed, perhaps at the cost of having children. which then begs the million dollar question - can i have both, to have my cake and eat it? 

what is the truest, most beautiful story about my life that i can imagine? 

i can imagine a life where i am both a career woman and a young mother of two beautiful, kind and intelligent children. three is nice but two is good too. it is finally the weekend. we're at the mall and i'm clasping the tiny palm of our little baby girl, while m is carrying our precious baby boy on his shoulders. even trips to the supermarket have become family adventures now. we're making pesto for dinner tonight and so we're on the hunt for some basil leaves, linguine and kiddy juice boxes. the cashier exclaims in benign surprise that we look too young to be parents. we smile and say "thank you, we get that alot". i take in the scene of what has now become my world - our baby girl sleepily snuggling her nose into m's chest while our boy's peskily tugging at m's trousers, the corners of his mouth turning downwards into an adorable pout from the lack of attention received. life now is an amalgamation of quiet moments and sheer havoc. we ricochet between the two extreme ends. sometimes the incredulity of it all makes us want to cry and laugh at the same time, but in an ironic sense it is also the havoc that completes us and we wouldn't have it any other way. 

i think to myself in quiet affirmation: "hard work is what makes rest days truly so restful". work is challenging but it is also incredibly meaningful. i am still in the industry of my dreams. i am needed, seen, heard and respected by everyone around me. work makes me feel alive and in my zone, bringing me back to that feeling of "flying" that i used to feel during my yirpa college days. the work that i do is so uniquely "me": it fits the value proposition i have to give to the world like the glove i have always been meant to wear. i have finally found my niche - one that sits at the perfect intersection of business needs and what i naturally gravitate towards. my enthusiasm and sense of purpose are infectious. i am so efficacious at producing the right outcomes which move the needle towards the larger, existential purpose of the company that no one can ignore me even if they ever wanted to. nothing fazes me anymore - not even customer calls with angry c-level executives, bc i know that i can easily win them over. i am exactly where i need and aspire to be in this stage of my life. i've earned my seat at the table and i'm lifting others up to sit alongside the table with me. i truly believe that the world is abundant and enough for everyone. 

i remember that god is the giver of all good things and i am only able to do the good work that i do bc it is Him who empowers me with the gifts and talents i possess. i no longer feel the temptation of pushing god to the peripheries. instead, i wake up everyday with inexplicable peace and joy brimming in my heart bc i am immovably grounded in Him. the people around me wonder what my secret sauce is (they speculate: "there is something so distinctive about denise that sets her apart from the rest in this cut-throat, corporate world but i can't put a finger to it"), and finally arrive at their own conclusion that it is bc of my faith. (and this is why i do the work that i do - to glorify Him in all that i do, that people may turn towards Him on their own accord). despite the busyness of work and life, m and i have made a conscious commitment as a family unit to give back to our church community. we have a new spiritual community that we're plugged into and it feels like we've known them for a lifetime. we give back in every little way we can - including opening our home to bless our newfound spiritual family. our cup overflows beyond all that we can ever ask for or imagine. 

this is the life i see when i close my eyes and use the language of imagination. in this world i have my cake and eat it, only bc god is embedded in the language of both imagination and truth.